I
It's days like these that make me want to write something prophetic and cliche simultaneously. I pretty much feel like a complete asshole. For the things I haven't done. Ever. The death of something, they say, is the beginning of something else. "Did you learn something?" is the question that always gets asked. The answer is always yes. But it's the willpower to change those things and the confidence that never comes that's the problem. I can solve any relationship problem - ask anyone - except for my own. I try to be this ambiguous person who can be with anyone. To adjust my humor, my personality in general to suit whomever, even a choice few friends I've since ceased to know. I don't know how to be a girlfriend, I don't know how to be in a relationship. I'm terrified of being hurt, I've had my heart completely broken 3 times. I'm afraid of being exclusive, and yet it's all I have ever seemed to want. And although I play like I'm tough, that fear never really goes away. I'd much rather break hearts than have mine be broken. That's a fucking awful thing to say, but it's unfortunately true. I want people to delight in me, and therein lies the problem. I can't change who I am, only passively agree in the moment, hoping the conversation will change. I don't know why this is. I don't know why I do this. I'm not sure how to change the merry-go-round of craptasticness I seem to always find myself spinning away on. I should probably never be allowed to be in a relationship ever again. I'm sorry to anyone I've ever hurt, I'm sorry to anyone I've ever rejected. Sorry that I don't know how to say things.