my heart hurts.
i could say that specifically, nothing's wrong, but there again nothing seems to be going right. at this point in time, it almost feels the same. i've become indifferent.
kira chewed up the carpet.
work is starting to stress me out.
that's alright.
i'm broke beyond the hope of being able to spend any money anytime soon. and i'm in debt already.
it's nothing i haven't handled already.
i miss a boy badly, and i shouldn't. it hurts. it sucks. i contradict myself and it makes me regret things. i can't keep anything directional. my heart is little together. i'm lonely. my best friends are being flakier than i have been in a while. maybe i'm imagining this. russell is getting his shit together, so i guess he's excused. out of all the people i know, he's got his head firm on his shoulders; i admire that. he's often overlooked in that manner. josh is skipping out to be with anna (which is fine as i maintain they're going to get married someday; regardless, we all do it when we're dating someone that wasn't already in the loop). maybe it's the loneliness thing again. it can make you feel so worthless. it really, really sucks. i never knew how good i had it, but at the same time... it wasn't a good situation. there's my contradictions again. i fight with myself about it all the time. it just hurts because i don't want to let it go and stop thinking about it because i love the good times, and the happiness i felt, but everything else was what mattered more... that's what people told me, i guess that's what is right... i could ramble on and on about it for days. i need to be ready for something else. i need a distraction. i'm jealous of my friends that can have that. i can't for anything. it's been a well past a month and a half since i last saw him, and i feel even worse now than i did before. fear transformed itself into misery; i'm resentful, but i can't be angry. my heart hurts.
dock is leaving to be a firefighter. i'm not worried about him. he's the strongest, geekiest boy i've ever met. i love him. i'm going to miss him so much. i miss him already, and he's sitting right across from me. there's a lot of stuff left unsaid between us. i had my chances, but i couldn't say anything either way. dock will always be on my mind. he's got such a big heart... miss beth is lucky.
mark is going to iraq. i hadn't talked to him for months, and then when i send him a random text, he tells me. i can't stop thinking about it. he's a medic, i know, but god.. they tell you one year, you're gone for 3, and before you know it you're not the same person anymore. i miss him. i miss his company and his understanding. he was always there, and he would have been for the world. genuine. i know he's helping, i know he'll save lives, but you can't think of war without thinking of the worst. i hope god takes care of him. i haven't missed a prayer yet since i heard, and i don't intend to till i see him again. i'm just so scared for him. so many tears. please pray for him too.
things keep getting worse. if anything else happens, i will lose it. i think i need to have a cry.
i'll say it again. i miss things, i just miss them... and i'm going to miss some things even more once a few weeks pass. this is rough.
kira chewed up the carpet.
work is starting to stress me out.
that's alright.
i'm broke beyond the hope of being able to spend any money anytime soon. and i'm in debt already.
it's nothing i haven't handled already.
i miss a boy badly, and i shouldn't. it hurts. it sucks. i contradict myself and it makes me regret things. i can't keep anything directional. my heart is little together. i'm lonely. my best friends are being flakier than i have been in a while. maybe i'm imagining this. russell is getting his shit together, so i guess he's excused. out of all the people i know, he's got his head firm on his shoulders; i admire that. he's often overlooked in that manner. josh is skipping out to be with anna (which is fine as i maintain they're going to get married someday; regardless, we all do it when we're dating someone that wasn't already in the loop). maybe it's the loneliness thing again. it can make you feel so worthless. it really, really sucks. i never knew how good i had it, but at the same time... it wasn't a good situation. there's my contradictions again. i fight with myself about it all the time. it just hurts because i don't want to let it go and stop thinking about it because i love the good times, and the happiness i felt, but everything else was what mattered more... that's what people told me, i guess that's what is right... i could ramble on and on about it for days. i need to be ready for something else. i need a distraction. i'm jealous of my friends that can have that. i can't for anything. it's been a well past a month and a half since i last saw him, and i feel even worse now than i did before. fear transformed itself into misery; i'm resentful, but i can't be angry. my heart hurts.
dock is leaving to be a firefighter. i'm not worried about him. he's the strongest, geekiest boy i've ever met. i love him. i'm going to miss him so much. i miss him already, and he's sitting right across from me. there's a lot of stuff left unsaid between us. i had my chances, but i couldn't say anything either way. dock will always be on my mind. he's got such a big heart... miss beth is lucky.
mark is going to iraq. i hadn't talked to him for months, and then when i send him a random text, he tells me. i can't stop thinking about it. he's a medic, i know, but god.. they tell you one year, you're gone for 3, and before you know it you're not the same person anymore. i miss him. i miss his company and his understanding. he was always there, and he would have been for the world. genuine. i know he's helping, i know he'll save lives, but you can't think of war without thinking of the worst. i hope god takes care of him. i haven't missed a prayer yet since i heard, and i don't intend to till i see him again. i'm just so scared for him. so many tears. please pray for him too.
things keep getting worse. if anything else happens, i will lose it. i think i need to have a cry.
i'll say it again. i miss things, i just miss them... and i'm going to miss some things even more once a few weeks pass. this is rough.