(no subject)
i don't know how to begin this.
i think i've figured it out. maybe.... maybe i love stereotypes. or, i am in love with them, and am jealous of them. i think that's why i am the way i am. i don't know what else i could call it. everybody wants to be something, everyone has a dream of being a certain way, of waking up with a whole new exterior if you're not already proud of the one you have. i'm unsatisfied. that's the closest i can come to understanding why i think the way that i do.
i wake up every day the same way: wondering how i'll paint on the vision of myself. it's all stereotypical, it's all fake, i know this. just the way i want to be seen. i suppose it's fitting in that's all i want. i think that's right, at least. i don't really act any different, not really... i just want to appear differently. but maybe that's what defines me anyway; i'd really like to think that the fact that i can do that is just definitive of my true being, of my individuality.... i can't help but think it all takes me back to that, to that sight of blood, bones, and muscle, waiting for a skin and for clothing. all on the outside, twisting and tying itself to who i am on the inside.
to be different. without being truly different at all.
it's all jealousy, isn't it? it's the thing inside the circle. it happens with everyone. call it love, call it admiration, call it whatever you think it is... i'm sure i'll change my mind on some of this... i just want to be so many different types of people. well-travelled, professional, exotic, experienced, innocent, childish, mature, rich, despairing, smart, funny, mysterious, open, friendly... i just want to be all these different adjectives and as a result i think i'm jealous of people for it. it seems like everybody has already found their place. every single person i know has some defining trait or characteristic that i'm in love with. that i'm jealous of. and i think "i want to be like that,".
and then it always leaves me unhappy with myself.
sometimes i think it would be nice to be like kat. it would have taken me a while to own up to it years before now, but i looked up to her the most out of anyone i ever knew. growing up i just wanted to be like her. i didn't put her on a pedestal. i didn't puppy-dog around her and stay in her footsteps. i just always knew that whenever i got a chance to show people who i really was, i wanted them to see me the same i saw kat: funny, violently witty, stylish, brilliant, and having the best taste in music anyone has ever seen. i loved her for who she was and disliked her for who she was born to be. she played every part so well; it's really amazing. we were a perfect example of sisters. i think we still are, as there are many times she threatened my life, and many times i threatened mom and dad knowing it. i think in many ways i've become a lot like her, not only inside, but outside as well. i can think now that it's the stuff that doesn't matter, but really the clothes do say something about the man. we dress alike, look alike, talk alike, and we even laugh alike. it's far too obvious to say i would have turned out remarkably different without knowing her, though i feel i must. because as mixed up as i am, she's right there in the same boat. i love my sister. i just wish we were both more decisive, and less easily swayed by what we become interested in.
there's so much that i do like about myself. but there's so much more that i want to become. i want to be everything. i can't make up my mind. i think to myself that i want to be called indie, i want to be a hippie, i want to be all these different things.. nothing every settles. it doesn't mix, it doesn't flow. it's the oil and water of my composition. and just as the pattern of every trend i've followed, everything i've gone indecisive on, i love it one day and i hate it the next. i'm putting myself in a box. i'm giving myself the parameters of stereotypes that people so often struggle to rid themselves of. it's totally subconscious. introspective thinking helps me grasp what i'm doing, but i don't know how to let it go.
somewhere on down the line, when everyone was getting off for their respective places, i stayed on. i'm still riding and i don't think i'll ever be able to get off.
and that's all for now.
i think i've figured it out. maybe.... maybe i love stereotypes. or, i am in love with them, and am jealous of them. i think that's why i am the way i am. i don't know what else i could call it. everybody wants to be something, everyone has a dream of being a certain way, of waking up with a whole new exterior if you're not already proud of the one you have. i'm unsatisfied. that's the closest i can come to understanding why i think the way that i do.
i wake up every day the same way: wondering how i'll paint on the vision of myself. it's all stereotypical, it's all fake, i know this. just the way i want to be seen. i suppose it's fitting in that's all i want. i think that's right, at least. i don't really act any different, not really... i just want to appear differently. but maybe that's what defines me anyway; i'd really like to think that the fact that i can do that is just definitive of my true being, of my individuality.... i can't help but think it all takes me back to that, to that sight of blood, bones, and muscle, waiting for a skin and for clothing. all on the outside, twisting and tying itself to who i am on the inside.
to be different. without being truly different at all.
it's all jealousy, isn't it? it's the thing inside the circle. it happens with everyone. call it love, call it admiration, call it whatever you think it is... i'm sure i'll change my mind on some of this... i just want to be so many different types of people. well-travelled, professional, exotic, experienced, innocent, childish, mature, rich, despairing, smart, funny, mysterious, open, friendly... i just want to be all these different adjectives and as a result i think i'm jealous of people for it. it seems like everybody has already found their place. every single person i know has some defining trait or characteristic that i'm in love with. that i'm jealous of. and i think "i want to be like that,".
and then it always leaves me unhappy with myself.
sometimes i think it would be nice to be like kat. it would have taken me a while to own up to it years before now, but i looked up to her the most out of anyone i ever knew. growing up i just wanted to be like her. i didn't put her on a pedestal. i didn't puppy-dog around her and stay in her footsteps. i just always knew that whenever i got a chance to show people who i really was, i wanted them to see me the same i saw kat: funny, violently witty, stylish, brilliant, and having the best taste in music anyone has ever seen. i loved her for who she was and disliked her for who she was born to be. she played every part so well; it's really amazing. we were a perfect example of sisters. i think we still are, as there are many times she threatened my life, and many times i threatened mom and dad knowing it. i think in many ways i've become a lot like her, not only inside, but outside as well. i can think now that it's the stuff that doesn't matter, but really the clothes do say something about the man. we dress alike, look alike, talk alike, and we even laugh alike. it's far too obvious to say i would have turned out remarkably different without knowing her, though i feel i must. because as mixed up as i am, she's right there in the same boat. i love my sister. i just wish we were both more decisive, and less easily swayed by what we become interested in.
there's so much that i do like about myself. but there's so much more that i want to become. i want to be everything. i can't make up my mind. i think to myself that i want to be called indie, i want to be a hippie, i want to be all these different things.. nothing every settles. it doesn't mix, it doesn't flow. it's the oil and water of my composition. and just as the pattern of every trend i've followed, everything i've gone indecisive on, i love it one day and i hate it the next. i'm putting myself in a box. i'm giving myself the parameters of stereotypes that people so often struggle to rid themselves of. it's totally subconscious. introspective thinking helps me grasp what i'm doing, but i don't know how to let it go.
somewhere on down the line, when everyone was getting off for their respective places, i stayed on. i'm still riding and i don't think i'll ever be able to get off.
and that's all for now.