I'm scared again, so...
...I'm back.
I dont know if anyone still reads these but that was never the point for me.
Went to Infinity War this evening, alone. I enjoyed it but that it doesnt really finish is kind of an irony to my tired mind. What do I mean?
I've been doing things I'd like to do before going into hospital. having a hair cut, seeing all the movies I possibly wont get to see. Maybe the fact that the ending is in another movie is a good sign, that I have to be around to see it, who knows.
I'm being quite fatalistic at the moment, my heart is going pretty wrong, let me explain: Endocarditis ate my heart valves, thats old news, the first time they were replaced with metal ones they haddnt got all of the infection and it set in again. So the valves were replaced again. This time the excellent surgeon that both saved my life and did this second surgery either made a tiny mistake or, due to the previous operation, was unable to set my heart back exactly how he found it. The human body has wiring, we run off electrical impulses, well as my heart went back together this time the link between my ventricles and my atria (the smaller and larger chambers of my heart) was severed. Unfortunately human wires dont have coloured sleeves :-) Not only was this link severed but the nerves were rejoined in such a way that the impulses sent from my ventricles to regulate the speed of my atria were actually sent back to my ventricles, a short circuit of sorts, so my brain sends my heart signals as normal, my heart just has all its wires crossed. The crossed wires make my ventricles constantly beat at unhealthy speeds, I think 200bpm at last count, but as their link with my atria is severed I dont have a heart attack.
Well slowly over the last 5 years my nerves have been healing, starting with the odd double beat in my carefully pace-makered heart rate, mostly at night, no idea why.
Now it more than an occasional double beat, it never stops double beating, my heart rate is irregular, sometimes up to 170 bpm whilst resting. It makes me short of breath, oddly, exercise seems to make it lessen, so I have taken to keeping myself more active lately. I think it may be because the rate is more appropriate for the exertion, but I have no real clue. If I die, someone let Elaine know about this journal OK? James or Kerstin I think are most likely, but there are others who use/used this who know Elaine, Nic etc if you dont know her details you can get her at elainegreg curly a thing hotmail com. She should know about this journal, I never told her where to find it. I always said my very last act of trust in her would be showing her this journal, after 10 years I still didnt trust her enough. I think that says a lot about me. I dont want Elaine inheriting anything, I want my brother to have them, and if you read this Elaine, I'd hope youd honour that wish, if you doubt its me writing, trust your bother's opinion. I may change my will, I may not :shrug: material things dont mean much once you're dead.
Anyhow, the healing nerves isnt so much the problem, its the short circuit, my body can heal nevers (apparently) but it cant sever a link made in error. Hence extra beats, and I suspect it will get worse, fortunatly its take 5 years to get this far, so I would hope I have time.
In case I dont, here I am :-)
Work tomorrow, I have to stay strong for my dad, I havent told him, and he is feeling steadily better. We are a lot alike he and I. I ended up like him after all, only I ended up alone. He did better than me in every way, I feel a bit of failure, but as ever I am too stubborn to give up. Although... I do remember giving up once, yet my mind found reason to carry on fighting without me! I remember thinking I had to keep an eye on the clock to tell saint Peter what time I died.
I'm going to go now, thanks for reading if you did, thanks for telling Elaine if you had to, thanks for heading my wishes if you did. I've loved a lot of people, the hard part has always been showing it, I'd like to think you know who you are.
Take care, be good, its all ive ever asked.
I dont know if anyone still reads these but that was never the point for me.
Went to Infinity War this evening, alone. I enjoyed it but that it doesnt really finish is kind of an irony to my tired mind. What do I mean?
I've been doing things I'd like to do before going into hospital. having a hair cut, seeing all the movies I possibly wont get to see. Maybe the fact that the ending is in another movie is a good sign, that I have to be around to see it, who knows.
I'm being quite fatalistic at the moment, my heart is going pretty wrong, let me explain: Endocarditis ate my heart valves, thats old news, the first time they were replaced with metal ones they haddnt got all of the infection and it set in again. So the valves were replaced again. This time the excellent surgeon that both saved my life and did this second surgery either made a tiny mistake or, due to the previous operation, was unable to set my heart back exactly how he found it. The human body has wiring, we run off electrical impulses, well as my heart went back together this time the link between my ventricles and my atria (the smaller and larger chambers of my heart) was severed. Unfortunately human wires dont have coloured sleeves :-) Not only was this link severed but the nerves were rejoined in such a way that the impulses sent from my ventricles to regulate the speed of my atria were actually sent back to my ventricles, a short circuit of sorts, so my brain sends my heart signals as normal, my heart just has all its wires crossed. The crossed wires make my ventricles constantly beat at unhealthy speeds, I think 200bpm at last count, but as their link with my atria is severed I dont have a heart attack.
Well slowly over the last 5 years my nerves have been healing, starting with the odd double beat in my carefully pace-makered heart rate, mostly at night, no idea why.
Now it more than an occasional double beat, it never stops double beating, my heart rate is irregular, sometimes up to 170 bpm whilst resting. It makes me short of breath, oddly, exercise seems to make it lessen, so I have taken to keeping myself more active lately. I think it may be because the rate is more appropriate for the exertion, but I have no real clue. If I die, someone let Elaine know about this journal OK? James or Kerstin I think are most likely, but there are others who use/used this who know Elaine, Nic etc if you dont know her details you can get her at elainegreg curly a thing hotmail com. She should know about this journal, I never told her where to find it. I always said my very last act of trust in her would be showing her this journal, after 10 years I still didnt trust her enough. I think that says a lot about me. I dont want Elaine inheriting anything, I want my brother to have them, and if you read this Elaine, I'd hope youd honour that wish, if you doubt its me writing, trust your bother's opinion. I may change my will, I may not :shrug: material things dont mean much once you're dead.
Anyhow, the healing nerves isnt so much the problem, its the short circuit, my body can heal nevers (apparently) but it cant sever a link made in error. Hence extra beats, and I suspect it will get worse, fortunatly its take 5 years to get this far, so I would hope I have time.
In case I dont, here I am :-)
Work tomorrow, I have to stay strong for my dad, I havent told him, and he is feeling steadily better. We are a lot alike he and I. I ended up like him after all, only I ended up alone. He did better than me in every way, I feel a bit of failure, but as ever I am too stubborn to give up. Although... I do remember giving up once, yet my mind found reason to carry on fighting without me! I remember thinking I had to keep an eye on the clock to tell saint Peter what time I died.
I'm going to go now, thanks for reading if you did, thanks for telling Elaine if you had to, thanks for heading my wishes if you did. I've loved a lot of people, the hard part has always been showing it, I'd like to think you know who you are.
Take care, be good, its all ive ever asked.