Meanwhile, blarg on the ranch...
July 27th was interesting. I awoke in the morning.
...And then there was this...feeling.
It stems from the night before, trying to paint. Which, as noted, failed because I no longer seem to be able to paint with the skill I once had, and instead make a blotchy, abstract mess. And then all the past failures with drawing, no longer skilled as I once had been. And other things that just go on and on, all kinds of things. But there was this amazing realization that all the things I've always wanted to do... I do not seem to be able to do any longer.
I simply had this feeling that spoke to me upon waking. There were no words in my mind to describe it really. I just simply felt this horrible pang, like a rope around my neck which yanked as I got up. There was no reason for me to even awaken this day. It would be fruitless.
I laid back down, and simply stayed in bed from morning until evening. There was no real pondering that took place. I was pretty much lifeless. In a way, I sensed every minute pass, but I didn't either. It was a numbness, but not quite numb enough.
I finally got up because I was hungry, and figured to eat something tasty. Not to sustain myself, but simply to ENJOY something that day. It was a small spark of happiness, but not much.
In past days I've thought over my situation a bit. I lost my faith rather steadily when things started going down hill here. At first, when everything seemed wonderful and miraculous, it was easy. But I've struggled with my faith for months since. Sad, I saw so many wonderful things...how could I lose sight? But indeed, I did.
There's been mention and thought from others that there is some dark, depressing...spirit in this place. Demons, if you want to call it that. I'd believe it. I've been aware of things that seem illogical unless put into that light...for a very long time.
Rather than rot longer, I did what I could to just...get right in my faith again. I felt so very much better by this point. A meal was prepared for the family, so I ate.
I finally logged on for the first time that day, though it was about 10PM already. Dad had left to work, mom invited me to go to the grocery store with her. For whatever reason, I had the intuition this was a good thing. So I left for a bit, met an old friend there. I won't get into it yet, but something positive could come from this encounter.
Happier than ever, I went home.
There was some crap that happened then. Long story short, someone posted something on MySpace they didn't figure I could see, and I could, and it was a bad idea for me to see it in general. But I'm not one to let even that bother me right now. I'm on a high right now and ain't no one knocking me off it.
...And then there was this...feeling.
It stems from the night before, trying to paint. Which, as noted, failed because I no longer seem to be able to paint with the skill I once had, and instead make a blotchy, abstract mess. And then all the past failures with drawing, no longer skilled as I once had been. And other things that just go on and on, all kinds of things. But there was this amazing realization that all the things I've always wanted to do... I do not seem to be able to do any longer.
I simply had this feeling that spoke to me upon waking. There were no words in my mind to describe it really. I just simply felt this horrible pang, like a rope around my neck which yanked as I got up. There was no reason for me to even awaken this day. It would be fruitless.
I laid back down, and simply stayed in bed from morning until evening. There was no real pondering that took place. I was pretty much lifeless. In a way, I sensed every minute pass, but I didn't either. It was a numbness, but not quite numb enough.
I finally got up because I was hungry, and figured to eat something tasty. Not to sustain myself, but simply to ENJOY something that day. It was a small spark of happiness, but not much.
In past days I've thought over my situation a bit. I lost my faith rather steadily when things started going down hill here. At first, when everything seemed wonderful and miraculous, it was easy. But I've struggled with my faith for months since. Sad, I saw so many wonderful things...how could I lose sight? But indeed, I did.
There's been mention and thought from others that there is some dark, depressing...spirit in this place. Demons, if you want to call it that. I'd believe it. I've been aware of things that seem illogical unless put into that light...for a very long time.
Rather than rot longer, I did what I could to just...get right in my faith again. I felt so very much better by this point. A meal was prepared for the family, so I ate.
I finally logged on for the first time that day, though it was about 10PM already. Dad had left to work, mom invited me to go to the grocery store with her. For whatever reason, I had the intuition this was a good thing. So I left for a bit, met an old friend there. I won't get into it yet, but something positive could come from this encounter.
Happier than ever, I went home.
There was some crap that happened then. Long story short, someone posted something on MySpace they didn't figure I could see, and I could, and it was a bad idea for me to see it in general. But I'm not one to let even that bother me right now. I'm on a high right now and ain't no one knocking me off it.