Bored again
I stayed home from school sick for the past couple of days. Probably not good for my schoolwork. I've been working on my java assignment pretty frequently, though, which was been nice. I've spent most of my time sleeping so I am feeling much better. For certain reasons, I've been relatively happy lately, or at least had a feeling of comfort in happiness. However, most of the elements of my life are shit, almost all of my environments are slightly negative or indifferent while some are extremely hostile. I still feel bad about myself and so on, apparently it doesn't matter if I improve my mindset or not. Everything is damned to be hell, I suppose. The benefits of the good moods I've been blessed with are at the same time somewhat like torture because there is still this onslaught of terror behind my back, waiting to tear me apart. It works like torture through that it works best when applied to someone not ready for it. Boredom gets a lot worse, too. You have less time to angst around and passively hate things because now you can actively hate things.
Point is, circumstances suck. What benefit I receive is for some reason not alleviating any anxiety. In fact, it's probably worse. I'm not too depressed or angsty, but I am angrier and everything seems more hostile. My reaction then is to become apathetic.
The premise here is that there is this core meaningless nightmare that it doesn't matter how I think of it because I'm still going to suffer about it, just in different ways. And I can't really do anything. Just suffer. If being happy doesn't make me not feel miserable, what else is there? Just boredom, boredom, boredom...
Point is, circumstances suck. What benefit I receive is for some reason not alleviating any anxiety. In fact, it's probably worse. I'm not too depressed or angsty, but I am angrier and everything seems more hostile. My reaction then is to become apathetic.
The premise here is that there is this core meaningless nightmare that it doesn't matter how I think of it because I'm still going to suffer about it, just in different ways. And I can't really do anything. Just suffer. If being happy doesn't make me not feel miserable, what else is there? Just boredom, boredom, boredom...