Existentio-Essential Link
I was gonna go to sleep at three what with the whole Strep Mono bullshit, but the fucking Caretakers just can't leave us humans to our superior issues. None of this manifold shit here.
Anyways, so I've been having recurring day fantasies of Hawai'i. That trip was so fulfilling it was better than Denver and El Paso, and Hawai'i was a fucking family trip even. So I keep thinking about it and I keep putting it in the whole America capitalist bullshit context and how Americans don't get a good vacation as compared to the rest of the first-world. I imagine the feeling I felt just by looking at it for what it really is (from the library of 'things that make life worth living that society makes impossible to achieve') and it is really awesome and all the other details that go with it and how it makes me so happy that I want to die in it and all that, and the whole existential problem gets a bit of framing: I really don't want to do anything. This whole 'I hate responsibility' thing was not a phase, it was a step to the far greater pyramid of my life and I need independence. Moving out, paying my own bills, managing most things about myself, that was all an incredible release. For once, I wasn't having to be responsible for not me. Moving out meant I had no responsibility, it was pure independence. This whole Tao balance shit is finally making me (or my subconscious rather) realize that if people don't deserve things then I should not feel responsible to provide it for them. In fact, walking on them when they try to gain it unfairly is completely just. Saying that "it is always alright to hurt the evil for what they have done" is so much more difficult pictured into modern social context, but, yeah, it is.
I think the problem is that I am not being indecisive or having trouble figuring out what I want, it is just that my identity is still completely caged and the reason I can't get to it is because of the bars between us. In fact, I bet once I free the bullshit around it, letting your identity out and figuring out who it is exactly is the ride itself that exists in a state of Tao bliss that even Buddha would have to honor. Life's not about the journey and all that, it is about fucking everything up enough so that that journey can fucking start. Antidepressants and all those bullshit claims have nothing to do with it, I was just trying to hard at thinking about it the wrong way. Not having to go to school and drinking a lot rules, my mind is finally doing that whole clearing thing it is supposed to do during the summer. Romantic trips to the developed first-world tropics, blood splattered around the worn cities of Europe with smoke slowly starting to fill the skies, the excitement of cog-beh tricks finding out new broken social laws in the name of science (with the help of a well written thesis and an overabundance of office supplies), the great debates and competitive struggles of comrade brothers in the name of glory and Eudaimonia, it's all great, but I will take the middle road between that and our suffering gladly.
Thinking about things is still thinking, however. Mein Kampf and The Emancipation Proclamation never accomplished anything, you need opportunity and aggression to set them into order.
Anyways, so I've been having recurring day fantasies of Hawai'i. That trip was so fulfilling it was better than Denver and El Paso, and Hawai'i was a fucking family trip even. So I keep thinking about it and I keep putting it in the whole America capitalist bullshit context and how Americans don't get a good vacation as compared to the rest of the first-world. I imagine the feeling I felt just by looking at it for what it really is (from the library of 'things that make life worth living that society makes impossible to achieve') and it is really awesome and all the other details that go with it and how it makes me so happy that I want to die in it and all that, and the whole existential problem gets a bit of framing: I really don't want to do anything. This whole 'I hate responsibility' thing was not a phase, it was a step to the far greater pyramid of my life and I need independence. Moving out, paying my own bills, managing most things about myself, that was all an incredible release. For once, I wasn't having to be responsible for not me. Moving out meant I had no responsibility, it was pure independence. This whole Tao balance shit is finally making me (or my subconscious rather) realize that if people don't deserve things then I should not feel responsible to provide it for them. In fact, walking on them when they try to gain it unfairly is completely just. Saying that "it is always alright to hurt the evil for what they have done" is so much more difficult pictured into modern social context, but, yeah, it is.
I think the problem is that I am not being indecisive or having trouble figuring out what I want, it is just that my identity is still completely caged and the reason I can't get to it is because of the bars between us. In fact, I bet once I free the bullshit around it, letting your identity out and figuring out who it is exactly is the ride itself that exists in a state of Tao bliss that even Buddha would have to honor. Life's not about the journey and all that, it is about fucking everything up enough so that that journey can fucking start. Antidepressants and all those bullshit claims have nothing to do with it, I was just trying to hard at thinking about it the wrong way. Not having to go to school and drinking a lot rules, my mind is finally doing that whole clearing thing it is supposed to do during the summer. Romantic trips to the developed first-world tropics, blood splattered around the worn cities of Europe with smoke slowly starting to fill the skies, the excitement of cog-beh tricks finding out new broken social laws in the name of science (with the help of a well written thesis and an overabundance of office supplies), the great debates and competitive struggles of comrade brothers in the name of glory and Eudaimonia, it's all great, but I will take the middle road between that and our suffering gladly.
Thinking about things is still thinking, however. Mein Kampf and The Emancipation Proclamation never accomplished anything, you need opportunity and aggression to set them into order.