Frustration and panic.
I have been going through the second worse time of my life. I am on the downswing, I believe, so I have been doing better. I hate the world, it is too frustrating to accomplish anything. I am trapped and holding myself back. I can see exactly where I should attempt to walk to, but I still cannot. I am still in a constant struggle, but I will save the long, long post: extreme depression, daily anxiety attacks, unable to talk to anyone on an emotional level, and three paragraphs of whinny stuff that would probably be called attention whore-ish.
But that is all without any sort of function, so here is the justification for why I am allowed to whine like the pussy I am: there is no fucking way not to. Psychology has failed me because it is extremely mainstream and there drugs are not really doing anything all of a sudden, religion has failed me because the metaphors leave gaps too big to cover in a depressive state, philosophy has failed me because it explains specifically what the goal is and covers many of those gaps but fails to explain how to achieve it, my friends fail me because any friends I have a specific emotional connection are in a state of quasi-hostile issues (and I feel totally isolated from everyone as a result, though this is not a direct problem, continue on), my possessions fail me because I have achieved enough personal growth to largely reject materialism (though I could use the bliss), my writing fails me because I lack time (I work a lot of overtime all of a sudden, I accuse this as being the biggest culprit), my therapist fails me because we never get to the point of discovering solutions, Wikipedia has failed me because it does not have an article on dealing with depression that is largely independent of consciousness, the internet has failed me because no one else in the world is such a freak that they can still think perfectly rationally when they are mind-numbingly depressed, and above all I have failed myself because even when I know exactly what the perfect choice and have full confidence in that I will still be unable to force myself to do it and I cannot think of any sort of reason behind that and I have absolutely no idea where I can find any help at all.
So what do I do? Keep trying to respond to my depression by saying 'fuck off' and ignoring it, hoping I can regain control of myself? Should I tell off anyone who pisses me off or screws me over even the slightest? Should I just do exactly what I should do, even if it would ruin my life? Should I just kill myself? Fuck, I hate this, how the hell do I force myself to act on my decision once I make it?
In other news, shooting shit tonight was a lot of fun.
But that is all without any sort of function, so here is the justification for why I am allowed to whine like the pussy I am: there is no fucking way not to. Psychology has failed me because it is extremely mainstream and there drugs are not really doing anything all of a sudden, religion has failed me because the metaphors leave gaps too big to cover in a depressive state, philosophy has failed me because it explains specifically what the goal is and covers many of those gaps but fails to explain how to achieve it, my friends fail me because any friends I have a specific emotional connection are in a state of quasi-hostile issues (and I feel totally isolated from everyone as a result, though this is not a direct problem, continue on), my possessions fail me because I have achieved enough personal growth to largely reject materialism (though I could use the bliss), my writing fails me because I lack time (I work a lot of overtime all of a sudden, I accuse this as being the biggest culprit), my therapist fails me because we never get to the point of discovering solutions, Wikipedia has failed me because it does not have an article on dealing with depression that is largely independent of consciousness, the internet has failed me because no one else in the world is such a freak that they can still think perfectly rationally when they are mind-numbingly depressed, and above all I have failed myself because even when I know exactly what the perfect choice and have full confidence in that I will still be unable to force myself to do it and I cannot think of any sort of reason behind that and I have absolutely no idea where I can find any help at all.
So what do I do? Keep trying to respond to my depression by saying 'fuck off' and ignoring it, hoping I can regain control of myself? Should I tell off anyone who pisses me off or screws me over even the slightest? Should I just do exactly what I should do, even if it would ruin my life? Should I just kill myself? Fuck, I hate this, how the hell do I force myself to act on my decision once I make it?
In other news, shooting shit tonight was a lot of fun.