more therapy....
i went for another visit today. i look forward to the visits simply because Dr. Waters will identify and listen to me not contradict me. EVERYONE contradicts me...my mother sisters him his family well....almost everyone my friends agree with me. unfortunatly i dont see them on a daily basis and get the reassurance i used to...which coincidently happens to be my own fault. anyway...this week she focuses on my family life at my moms how my week has been. and we go back a ways a little to my childhood. telling her about keeping the house clean babysitting my sisters being responsible for myself cause mom worked 12 hrs a day. how my sisters have it sooooooooo different. when i was grounded i was grounded. when they are grounded...it lasts a few hours. mine was a 2 week sentence of nothing but bedroom. so the dr derives i have always been put in a position of responsibility....in the lead with my friends managerial at work (even without the title) in charge at home from an early age. bringin mr mark down from his highs, comforting my mother and being the in between person when the family fueds. this is very anxiety ridden existence of mine. (however the friends part i loved) i told her about jon and how i always felt lonely and jr filled that whole. how i am starved for affection even though i get plenty of it. that jr is the same and we cling and it takes care of something we both need. she decides that shaping and forming my visits around trying not to be so pulled to care for other people and she'll find a way to make some challenges to help me overcome. this time i dont go to my husband. i go to my mother she asks about the visit. me feeling accomplished go to tell her about it. when i come to the responsbilties at an early age she sasys of course you moved out!!! i say no mom from when i was younger. cleaning the house caring for ang and ton. moms answer "hello lady those were chores..."every kid does chores. i said except for your youngest 2. then she goes on a rant and rave about them. i try to talk about therapy a little more to her but when i tell her what was talked about she gives me the crazy look like....well thats life how can that bother you. there is a big history of drug abuse in my family. i wasnt allowed out of the house cause thugs after my aunt might take me. (this was explained to me when i was older) i cared for newborns at 10 rs old cause there father was on a crack binge. i went to school cared for children cooked and cleaned, and mom was barely home. when she was home she went back out to drag him from the crack houses. how was this normal? i live with nothing but guilt. i felt worse after talking to mom because she made me feel inadequate. before i left she said tell that lady everything dont hold back. and then im ridiculed for speaking my mind. mom always thought like that. she always put me down that when i thought things were too harsh she was too hard on me shed brush it off. when i tell her i feel lonely in a house full of people she tells me im wrong. like she can tell me how i feel and THEN she dismisses it so quickly. mom always visits the therapist but when they try to care for me she hates everything they say to me. she thinks they "take my side" tell me what i want to hear like dont let family be so important "family ia all there is" what the therapist means is dont let them pull at you until you are not yourslef. the problem is moms good at sucking me in and making herself sound right ALL THE TIME. she thinks cause shes 46 shes seen it all. but 20 or so of those years she was living in a fog and cant remember them. i was talking about my cheerleadding competitions from 8th grade to her. and she says its too bad i couldnt make it there. mom you were front row center. she doesnt remember. she was there and even with only me front and center she couldnt focus on me. cant remember being there for me. she might as well have not been there. all the importanat years all the important things. she cant remember. i remember my preschool graduation better than she does. and she always compares me to someone else. i love my katherine to death but the way mom talks about her it sounds like she wishes kat were her daughter instead of me. im a big failure to someone she hardly knows. (now kat dear thats not your fault....stop thinking im sorry) :P but still what about what i did accomplish. mom thought the theater was retarded. my dad was ion awe cause its something hed never have the strength to do but not mom...it was just stupid....not even the things i was good at.anyway. rant and rave. im glad i can talk to you guys. i tink im gonna stp talking about therapy to them though. but jrs family will think i have something to hide and mom will pry it out of me. just the things im going to therapy for.....i just want to be normal again.