hmmmmmmmm?
There are four sides in me I think. Four different elements making my life even harder... Why can't I just be me all the time?
I mean one side of me can be seen ONLY at school. It's the side that is selfish all the time, the one that thinks it doesn't belong in there but tries to hang on there anyway. You know I'm trying to pretend this really smart girl but who doesn't give a shit bout school stuff and who does things like she wants them to be done. Now this is the side most of my friends even around the net see. But is it cause I show it to them or can't they look closer?
Well then, one side pops up when i'm drinking, partying, having fun and making A fool outta myself - it's the weird side, dark side ;) The side that wants to have fun, the side that really DOESN'T give a shit bout anything and just wants to live - for once. Not think bout tomorrow but live in this moment and just relax.
Third side is the lonely side, the side of me know one but me knows. The scared little girl inside me... Yeah the crying. It's this side. I really don't know how to control it and I don't know what makes it pop out but.. I know it's there somewhere inside me, trying to break me.
Fourth side of me you can only see if you try enough. If you try to understand me, I can show it to you... that's the way it is with most of the people and that's the way it's with me too. F can see it, I think. It's the side which lets me be scared but yet i'm strong at the same time... in one way. I CAN be both without thinking i'm total loser and now that feels good. I have someone with who to share it and who doesn't think I'm sicko cause of all that. I have friends and opinions, people with who to talk to and some one that cares bout you. I don't have to hide this side, i mean, not when i'm with F... but any other human being around here, they don't know me.
Heck, do i know me? I can't be sure which one of them is the real me. They all are so close to me and my heart that maybe i gotta just accpet the fact that i can't put myself into locker and say THIS is where i belong, THIS is what i am. I am all of them.
Oh anyways, I read "Lord of the Flies" by William Golding and now i can't stop thinking bout it... why+ Well.. lemme see, this is something I wrote back at tAS (and somehow i can't get it off my mind!!):
My dad is reading this book now. We had BIG convo bout it and he started to read it... I am *SO* good.
First I hated this book. HATE is too NICE<-see, word for it. You know it's the lame book your teacher puts you to read and you just don't get why... WHYYYYY Well this WAS one of those books for me at first, it was like boring piece of shit dropped on my shoulders and on top of that i had only 5 days to read it (i started bit late you see... - my bad)
But then I actually read it and realised the beauty in it. No, don't get me wrong, i DO NOT like this book at all - well just the end. I mean the start is stupid and BORING not to mention the plot but there is something...
we had to do journal bout this book and my last words in it where: it puts you to think if person depends on society or does society depend on a person?
I mean... these boys are left alone in there, that lil island of whatever, no grown ups near, no "real" life around them so they of course start falling apart. Mentally.
They can do whatever they want, they can kill whatever they want just cause no one is there to say no. Now maybe the whole killing gives them power they never had and makes one group believe they belong together, i do not know. Gives them feeling of being safe or something?
First i thought it's like no one can think for themselves, they all just go like chickens with their heads cut off without thinking what happens after all that... but they knew they were doing wrong. All those guys (well Jack is another thing ) KNEW they were doing wrong but they did it anyway? WHY? Because we are weak? Could be and must be. But somehow I saw it like they did it for the power and... when you suddenly don't have rules to guide your life you don't have to think what's wrong and right anymore. Because at that point, everything you say is right and the fear is the one they tried to make go away. But some people can't do this - to some people rules will always be there, they will guide them even if the rules are alreayd forgotten and gone in other people's minds... hmm...
What do i mean with all this? Well i'm not sure i can put it in English here but something like this: society DOES depend on one person. Just one person can make it all go wrong - think Hitler. One man makes the world collapse and others follow. For what?
I mean one side of me can be seen ONLY at school. It's the side that is selfish all the time, the one that thinks it doesn't belong in there but tries to hang on there anyway. You know I'm trying to pretend this really smart girl but who doesn't give a shit bout school stuff and who does things like she wants them to be done. Now this is the side most of my friends even around the net see. But is it cause I show it to them or can't they look closer?
Well then, one side pops up when i'm drinking, partying, having fun and making A fool outta myself - it's the weird side, dark side ;) The side that wants to have fun, the side that really DOESN'T give a shit bout anything and just wants to live - for once. Not think bout tomorrow but live in this moment and just relax.
Third side is the lonely side, the side of me know one but me knows. The scared little girl inside me... Yeah the crying. It's this side. I really don't know how to control it and I don't know what makes it pop out but.. I know it's there somewhere inside me, trying to break me.
Fourth side of me you can only see if you try enough. If you try to understand me, I can show it to you... that's the way it is with most of the people and that's the way it's with me too. F can see it, I think. It's the side which lets me be scared but yet i'm strong at the same time... in one way. I CAN be both without thinking i'm total loser and now that feels good. I have someone with who to share it and who doesn't think I'm sicko cause of all that. I have friends and opinions, people with who to talk to and some one that cares bout you. I don't have to hide this side, i mean, not when i'm with F... but any other human being around here, they don't know me.
Heck, do i know me? I can't be sure which one of them is the real me. They all are so close to me and my heart that maybe i gotta just accpet the fact that i can't put myself into locker and say THIS is where i belong, THIS is what i am. I am all of them.
Oh anyways, I read "Lord of the Flies" by William Golding and now i can't stop thinking bout it... why+ Well.. lemme see, this is something I wrote back at tAS (and somehow i can't get it off my mind!!):
My dad is reading this book now. We had BIG convo bout it and he started to read it... I am *SO* good.
First I hated this book. HATE is too NICE<-see, word for it. You know it's the lame book your teacher puts you to read and you just don't get why... WHYYYYY Well this WAS one of those books for me at first, it was like boring piece of shit dropped on my shoulders and on top of that i had only 5 days to read it (i started bit late you see... - my bad)
But then I actually read it and realised the beauty in it. No, don't get me wrong, i DO NOT like this book at all - well just the end. I mean the start is stupid and BORING not to mention the plot but there is something...
we had to do journal bout this book and my last words in it where: it puts you to think if person depends on society or does society depend on a person?
I mean... these boys are left alone in there, that lil island of whatever, no grown ups near, no "real" life around them so they of course start falling apart. Mentally.
They can do whatever they want, they can kill whatever they want just cause no one is there to say no. Now maybe the whole killing gives them power they never had and makes one group believe they belong together, i do not know. Gives them feeling of being safe or something?
First i thought it's like no one can think for themselves, they all just go like chickens with their heads cut off without thinking what happens after all that... but they knew they were doing wrong. All those guys (well Jack is another thing ) KNEW they were doing wrong but they did it anyway? WHY? Because we are weak? Could be and must be. But somehow I saw it like they did it for the power and... when you suddenly don't have rules to guide your life you don't have to think what's wrong and right anymore. Because at that point, everything you say is right and the fear is the one they tried to make go away. But some people can't do this - to some people rules will always be there, they will guide them even if the rules are alreayd forgotten and gone in other people's minds... hmm...
What do i mean with all this? Well i'm not sure i can put it in English here but something like this: society DOES depend on one person. Just one person can make it all go wrong - think Hitler. One man makes the world collapse and others follow. For what?