If i feel today, can i be numb tomorrow?
I'm depressed which is nothing new and I've started to think why i'm having this stupid journal if all i do is whine? Typical me, right? What's the point in here? Spread the word bout how my life sucks and get some sympathy huh? Well great. Now that would be the low point of my life I think. Am I again doing it? I stopped eating last time. I still have those moments when i don't eat for two days but that's different - last time i just didn't eat. And for what? I wanted dad to see something was wrong and to fix it since i couldn't do it by myself. My schoolnurse said that therapy wouldn't hurt me - that i need some one to talk to and I said I have F... yeah sure, i still have her - i know, but I'm still seriously starting to agree with our schoolnurse more and more. Maybe whole journal is again my way of asking help when istead of this shit i should just go and ask help. Sounds so simple.
Bout crying once again. I cried last night but this was so different than the times before. I was watching "Everwood's" pilot episode thingy and half way through i just noticed i was crying. And it wasn't crying out loud, i just hadn't noticed how tears had started to run down my cheeks... it was silent crying i'd say. I just didn't notice, didn't see it or FEEL it... or care... I was laying on my bed, staring the tv and just... well, laying there. I can't remember what i was thinking - i guess nothing at the moment. Today, when i was walking home from school i started it again. Yeah, i started to cry in the middle of my lil trip there.. in the rain - ironic isn't it? I think i've only cried once... i mean as i'm walking home from school.
I guess it was last year - I was going home as said and i was sad cause of all that had happened between me and Anki - my "best friend", with me and F, with her and Annika.. and i just, well, started crying. Annika saw me, she crossed the road and came to me but didn't even care. She didn't say anything - i mean, she didn't ask why i was crying or anything. I was air. Well I kept walking after she had said whatever she wanted to say but i stopped crying. Thank god...
You know the whole shitty story bout me, F, Annika and Anki, right? If not, well, we were this big group of four that always sat in Hesburger, talked too loud, had fun and had major fights. It's weird cause i can't remember that i would've ever fought with F but i fought with her "best friend" and she fought with mine. Even when we got drunk it was always me and F against THEM... It was ok if there was four of us together but if i was hanging out with F - just talking with her alone it was suddenly wrong. I dunno what happened there... but one afternoon i was bitching bout how i didn't wanna go home once again, cause of dad and all... and F said i could go over their place. I'm not sure why she asked but it was the first time she did.. felt good i guess so of course i said something like: oh neat... Well then, Annika started yelling how she had been asking F if she could spend some time with her and everytime F had been "too busy" - well then, the yelling started. F and Annika, they yelled, i yelled but NOT what i would wanted... I had lot more to say to her - Annika but i didn't wanna ruin everything. I didn't wanna be the one who breaks their friendship... but then F started crying and Annika left - we, well, i said to F that she should call Annika and talk - and so she did - the thing is Annika hang up on both of us and then after that all, she said she had been ready to talk but we werent... Right... Well anyways, Annika then yelled at me - on the phone before hanging up that i should tell Anki that I had new best friend so "Anki doesn't have to go through all that shit Annika just had..." blah blah - so, when i called Anki just to tell her what happened, Annika HAD ALREADY called her and Anki was pissed off. I can't remember what she said but our whole friendship was like ruined just cause i had been on F's side. And from my POV, it was ANNIKA'S fault though F kept blaming herself - damn her if she still does. I actually had hoped for a long time she would just tell Annika to go to hell or something. I mean, it was PAINFUL to watch how F was suffering cause of her!
Well anyways, I had weird day today. As i was crossing road i suddenly wanted to stop and stay there - and let that car hit me. No, i didn't stay. And NO, i DON'T want to kill myself - geez - i'm too afraid of the pain when it comes to that but... i honestly don't know what i was thinking. Nothing I guess. But that's so normal nowdays. I don't think, i'm blank.
Oh and you know what? F says Lauri is my Dawson ... come on, couldn't update without mentioning him ;)
Bout crying once again. I cried last night but this was so different than the times before. I was watching "Everwood's" pilot episode thingy and half way through i just noticed i was crying. And it wasn't crying out loud, i just hadn't noticed how tears had started to run down my cheeks... it was silent crying i'd say. I just didn't notice, didn't see it or FEEL it... or care... I was laying on my bed, staring the tv and just... well, laying there. I can't remember what i was thinking - i guess nothing at the moment. Today, when i was walking home from school i started it again. Yeah, i started to cry in the middle of my lil trip there.. in the rain - ironic isn't it? I think i've only cried once... i mean as i'm walking home from school.
I guess it was last year - I was going home as said and i was sad cause of all that had happened between me and Anki - my "best friend", with me and F, with her and Annika.. and i just, well, started crying. Annika saw me, she crossed the road and came to me but didn't even care. She didn't say anything - i mean, she didn't ask why i was crying or anything. I was air. Well I kept walking after she had said whatever she wanted to say but i stopped crying. Thank god...
You know the whole shitty story bout me, F, Annika and Anki, right? If not, well, we were this big group of four that always sat in Hesburger, talked too loud, had fun and had major fights. It's weird cause i can't remember that i would've ever fought with F but i fought with her "best friend" and she fought with mine. Even when we got drunk it was always me and F against THEM... It was ok if there was four of us together but if i was hanging out with F - just talking with her alone it was suddenly wrong. I dunno what happened there... but one afternoon i was bitching bout how i didn't wanna go home once again, cause of dad and all... and F said i could go over their place. I'm not sure why she asked but it was the first time she did.. felt good i guess so of course i said something like: oh neat... Well then, Annika started yelling how she had been asking F if she could spend some time with her and everytime F had been "too busy" - well then, the yelling started. F and Annika, they yelled, i yelled but NOT what i would wanted... I had lot more to say to her - Annika but i didn't wanna ruin everything. I didn't wanna be the one who breaks their friendship... but then F started crying and Annika left - we, well, i said to F that she should call Annika and talk - and so she did - the thing is Annika hang up on both of us and then after that all, she said she had been ready to talk but we werent... Right... Well anyways, Annika then yelled at me - on the phone before hanging up that i should tell Anki that I had new best friend so "Anki doesn't have to go through all that shit Annika just had..." blah blah - so, when i called Anki just to tell her what happened, Annika HAD ALREADY called her and Anki was pissed off. I can't remember what she said but our whole friendship was like ruined just cause i had been on F's side. And from my POV, it was ANNIKA'S fault though F kept blaming herself - damn her if she still does. I actually had hoped for a long time she would just tell Annika to go to hell or something. I mean, it was PAINFUL to watch how F was suffering cause of her!
Well anyways, I had weird day today. As i was crossing road i suddenly wanted to stop and stay there - and let that car hit me. No, i didn't stay. And NO, i DON'T want to kill myself - geez - i'm too afraid of the pain when it comes to that but... i honestly don't know what i was thinking. Nothing I guess. But that's so normal nowdays. I don't think, i'm blank.
Oh and you know what? F says Lauri is my Dawson ... come on, couldn't update without mentioning him ;)