Layer: 055
Yup so, Im now officially an adult. Yea Im 20, bug whoop de fucking doo da day.
::sigh::
Anyways, I thought it'd be nice of me to write/tell you all alot about me. Things I don't tell nor have I really had the urge to say. Some of thish many ppl will know, however... oh well fuck it here I go.
Im a fake, a tourist, a fallen angel, sadomasochist (and not jus in physical pain either), a sort of vampyre, Im deceitful, a liar, a loner, weak, depressed, creative, an artist, musician (novice)... and so forth.
Fake, toutist, a loner? How?
Well, I really don't belong in a click. Yes Im a dork however not as big as one as everyone thinks I am. I mean yes I do enjoi anime, computers, art, music, gaming and so on. Just Im not really big into them all, like some think I am. Not like others. As far as fake goes, well... Im not as 'goth' or 'punk rock' or as much of a 'dork' as ppl think I am. Im just me and I do whatever I fucking feel like doing.
::sigh::
When ppl start talking about computers most of the time Im completely fucking lost, however I just come off as though I know what they are talking about. When the truth is Im hearing it for the first time or learning about it through them.
For music I know how to read TAB, however sheet music Im not so good on. Im not really a good musician (however I can sing) I just happen to do quite well at synth (who knows, beats the hell outta me how I do it that good).
Anime, well yea Im pretty into it however there are alot of series that I know nothing or little about even though I come off as (reassuring nods or expressions) I do. I just happen to be really into the series that Ive seen or really liked, due to lack of watching or reading about them.
Art... well Im good at it and do however know abit about the past artists and their works. However not as in depth as some may think. For my own art, yesh Im still young and Im still learning however everyone expects me to know everything there is to doing what I do so well (my painting of gaming figures, scenery, as well as my own work on canvas or paper with whatever medium Im using).
Ah... gaming. Yesh I know quite abit about Warhammer 40K, however not everything like everyone believes. I have no idea why they think that seein as some of the times Im clueless or have to refer to 'The Bible' (what we call the rule book). I jus happen to like playing the game as well as painting, sculpting, converting the models.
For the whole vampyre comment. Well I may not make any sense but Ill try to explain as best as I can (seeing I really didnt think thish entry out as much as I would have liked to). For some odd reason when others are happy Im sad. However when ppl are; sad, in pain, agony, torment, betrayed, etc. and when I happen to see it or be the cause of it I happen to get quite happy. I have no idea as to why I do, however it just happens. Yesh I know thish is sick and I wish I could turn off the switch in my brain that does that. Ive tried and to no avail. I try not to do such things however there are times when I shut off and the creature inside takes over. I see everything, I feel everything... I try to come back but I cann't. There's a window inside that lets me see whats going on and yet no matter how much I yell or try to get out I cannot. Trust me thish sucks beyond your wildest dreams.
So in a way that also sums up the sadomasochist part too (not just physical). Except for one part. In ways Ive grown to love my depression and isiolationist behaviour. Its hurtful yet since Ive been use to it for so long I do come accustomed to it. However when it does go away it takes time to get use to then it comes back and I have to get use to it once more, and so on and so on. Also when others do hurt me in a physical, emotional, mental manner there are times when it feels soo fucking good. Ive come to thish conclusion; it's attention. Negative yes, however it's attention nonetheless. It shows me that ppl care enough to hurt me. And hurt me they do.
Weak. I say Im weak however no one belives me or its jus that no one wants to believe it. Well, to help with my stress I smoke and I cut. That it? No, no no no. I have thish fear of being alone of being abandoned once again as happened in my past so many times (however I push everyone away so that Im not hurt, but that in itself keeps me from ever being touched). I need love, I need someone to love me (however when Im done looking love does show up... yea its a bastard.. lol). But looking for it in the past Ive done some awful things, like being a whore for sometime for example(which later on did a number to me mentally and I regret that). In hopes that if I share myself with someone that they will love me the way or even close to the way that I wish. Well that it for being weak PHiL? No, not yet. Drugs, Ive done every drug that one can imagine (except for halluciongens seeing as I get them for free due to my mild insomnia [hallucinations and so forth]), doing them to 'escape' life, reality. Just to not be there. Over a year ago for 2 weeks straight I wasn't sober. I did drugs about every hour or half an hour even in school, that is up until my overdose in late feburary.
Hmmmm... what else haven't I covered? (negative things mind you, yea I might do a positive one later on in the future)
::thinking::
Ah, for being decietful. That's easy. Seeing as I get hurt by everyone that comes close to me and vice versa I tend to hurt them before something really bad happens. I make others believe that I hate them and whatnot. As to prevent what will possibly come in the future. As I see it if I do it I know that it was done on purpose for their own good, whether or not they know it. I happen to kind of 'see' what will happen in the future and so I bring upon destruction beforehand so it's not as bad as what it would have been. For thish I am sorry however at least you will remember me.
Well, as of now I guess Im done for now... until I think of more shitty things about myself.
::sigh::
::sigh::
Anyways, I thought it'd be nice of me to write/tell you all alot about me. Things I don't tell nor have I really had the urge to say. Some of thish many ppl will know, however... oh well fuck it here I go.
Im a fake, a tourist, a fallen angel, sadomasochist (and not jus in physical pain either), a sort of vampyre, Im deceitful, a liar, a loner, weak, depressed, creative, an artist, musician (novice)... and so forth.
Fake, toutist, a loner? How?
Well, I really don't belong in a click. Yes Im a dork however not as big as one as everyone thinks I am. I mean yes I do enjoi anime, computers, art, music, gaming and so on. Just Im not really big into them all, like some think I am. Not like others. As far as fake goes, well... Im not as 'goth' or 'punk rock' or as much of a 'dork' as ppl think I am. Im just me and I do whatever I fucking feel like doing.
::sigh::
When ppl start talking about computers most of the time Im completely fucking lost, however I just come off as though I know what they are talking about. When the truth is Im hearing it for the first time or learning about it through them.
For music I know how to read TAB, however sheet music Im not so good on. Im not really a good musician (however I can sing) I just happen to do quite well at synth (who knows, beats the hell outta me how I do it that good).
Anime, well yea Im pretty into it however there are alot of series that I know nothing or little about even though I come off as (reassuring nods or expressions) I do. I just happen to be really into the series that Ive seen or really liked, due to lack of watching or reading about them.
Art... well Im good at it and do however know abit about the past artists and their works. However not as in depth as some may think. For my own art, yesh Im still young and Im still learning however everyone expects me to know everything there is to doing what I do so well (my painting of gaming figures, scenery, as well as my own work on canvas or paper with whatever medium Im using).
Ah... gaming. Yesh I know quite abit about Warhammer 40K, however not everything like everyone believes. I have no idea why they think that seein as some of the times Im clueless or have to refer to 'The Bible' (what we call the rule book). I jus happen to like playing the game as well as painting, sculpting, converting the models.
For the whole vampyre comment. Well I may not make any sense but Ill try to explain as best as I can (seeing I really didnt think thish entry out as much as I would have liked to). For some odd reason when others are happy Im sad. However when ppl are; sad, in pain, agony, torment, betrayed, etc. and when I happen to see it or be the cause of it I happen to get quite happy. I have no idea as to why I do, however it just happens. Yesh I know thish is sick and I wish I could turn off the switch in my brain that does that. Ive tried and to no avail. I try not to do such things however there are times when I shut off and the creature inside takes over. I see everything, I feel everything... I try to come back but I cann't. There's a window inside that lets me see whats going on and yet no matter how much I yell or try to get out I cannot. Trust me thish sucks beyond your wildest dreams.
So in a way that also sums up the sadomasochist part too (not just physical). Except for one part. In ways Ive grown to love my depression and isiolationist behaviour. Its hurtful yet since Ive been use to it for so long I do come accustomed to it. However when it does go away it takes time to get use to then it comes back and I have to get use to it once more, and so on and so on. Also when others do hurt me in a physical, emotional, mental manner there are times when it feels soo fucking good. Ive come to thish conclusion; it's attention. Negative yes, however it's attention nonetheless. It shows me that ppl care enough to hurt me. And hurt me they do.
Weak. I say Im weak however no one belives me or its jus that no one wants to believe it. Well, to help with my stress I smoke and I cut. That it? No, no no no. I have thish fear of being alone of being abandoned once again as happened in my past so many times (however I push everyone away so that Im not hurt, but that in itself keeps me from ever being touched). I need love, I need someone to love me (however when Im done looking love does show up... yea its a bastard.. lol). But looking for it in the past Ive done some awful things, like being a whore for sometime for example(which later on did a number to me mentally and I regret that). In hopes that if I share myself with someone that they will love me the way or even close to the way that I wish. Well that it for being weak PHiL? No, not yet. Drugs, Ive done every drug that one can imagine (except for halluciongens seeing as I get them for free due to my mild insomnia [hallucinations and so forth]), doing them to 'escape' life, reality. Just to not be there. Over a year ago for 2 weeks straight I wasn't sober. I did drugs about every hour or half an hour even in school, that is up until my overdose in late feburary.
Hmmmm... what else haven't I covered? (negative things mind you, yea I might do a positive one later on in the future)
::thinking::
Ah, for being decietful. That's easy. Seeing as I get hurt by everyone that comes close to me and vice versa I tend to hurt them before something really bad happens. I make others believe that I hate them and whatnot. As to prevent what will possibly come in the future. As I see it if I do it I know that it was done on purpose for their own good, whether or not they know it. I happen to kind of 'see' what will happen in the future and so I bring upon destruction beforehand so it's not as bad as what it would have been. For thish I am sorry however at least you will remember me.
Well, as of now I guess Im done for now... until I think of more shitty things about myself.
::sigh::