What Is Missing?
Lately i feel completely worthless. I can snap out of it for a while but I keep returning to the same state of emotions. something is really wrong with me. School stress is wearing a hole into my heart & I can't find enough to keep going. I feel exhausted - complete & totally. I hate to bring this out upon Cindy. She's always been amazing for me ..which is partly a reason I feel horrible lately. My ongoing failing to make her happy keep snipping away at my soul.. & I really start to lose my confidence in things. I question myself more & more. I feel worthless sometimes. Most of my stress is directly related to failings I face in life.. many years of school now . & I am no where closer to a future as I was back when I was a little kid playing tag in the park. I get lost imagining my life in the future. I've cried so many times these last 2 months. I just want an exit door.
but.
The other side of me is far less sensitive. Part of my just says 'FUKK!! - cut everything useless out of your life & focus. Stop feeling!' Ideas wash over me at time that just scream at me to STOP BEING DRAMATIC!! Leave all the bullshit out of things & work harder!! the only GREAT things to achieve in life come with GREAT sacrifice. .. & to mention this because it saves me from really stupid ideas - Anything that does NOT kill me only makes me stronger. How I wish it were that easy.
My point of exploding comes where I cannot handle the emotional sides & dangerous feelings start to threaten very important aspects of my life. I have a VERY bad side. Some people know this & others really don't need to. I pace myself all the time & it is things that push me too far that I will CUT first. The need to return to what I truly am will become more important than fighting for something I want. This fight is worth all my effort but is NOT worth losing myself for. I have many time sacrificed myself at the will of love & desire. I am willing to lose myself again ..but this time .. I might be lost forever without someone to catch me.
I pray & hope against all fatalistic ideals each & every day that I will be safe in her arms.
Each prayer brings me closer to a state of grace I've been dreaming for my whole life...
Without the emotional realization that I am NOT worthless & that I DO matter...
only then will I gain the strength to accomplish what I NEED to.
However right it is that I vow my love onto only one -
this one = whole = balanced = unity = infinity...
I know no other love - one that sets me free
I feel love - then I can live
but.
The other side of me is far less sensitive. Part of my just says 'FUKK!! - cut everything useless out of your life & focus. Stop feeling!' Ideas wash over me at time that just scream at me to STOP BEING DRAMATIC!! Leave all the bullshit out of things & work harder!! the only GREAT things to achieve in life come with GREAT sacrifice. .. & to mention this because it saves me from really stupid ideas - Anything that does NOT kill me only makes me stronger. How I wish it were that easy.
My point of exploding comes where I cannot handle the emotional sides & dangerous feelings start to threaten very important aspects of my life. I have a VERY bad side. Some people know this & others really don't need to. I pace myself all the time & it is things that push me too far that I will CUT first. The need to return to what I truly am will become more important than fighting for something I want. This fight is worth all my effort but is NOT worth losing myself for. I have many time sacrificed myself at the will of love & desire. I am willing to lose myself again ..but this time .. I might be lost forever without someone to catch me.
I pray & hope against all fatalistic ideals each & every day that I will be safe in her arms.
Each prayer brings me closer to a state of grace I've been dreaming for my whole life...
Without the emotional realization that I am NOT worthless & that I DO matter...
only then will I gain the strength to accomplish what I NEED to.
However right it is that I vow my love onto only one -
this one = whole = balanced = unity = infinity...
I know no other love - one that sets me free
I feel love - then I can live