Shoot Me Down, Now... for I am a Wounded Vessel
So, basically... I think it's time to give you guys [you guys? as if anyone actually reads this] a post that's worth reading... without being cryptic. That's kind of hard, seeing as how I've got nothing of real interest going on in my life. I have five million other things on my mind...Like the fact that I could be reading up on the 200+ page book that needs to be read by the fourteenth, or the five page paper that needs to be written by the fourth, the book that needs editing by Thanksgiving, or all of the crap that I need to get done for my internship... that I haven't even thought about doing yet. I've got so much on my plate right now, and I feel stretched far too thin. I honestly want to say that I am okay with everything, but I'm not. There's this overwhelming fear that everything is about to crumble beneath my feet, and it scares the living hell out of me, to be quite honest.
Another thing that's really been on my mind is my whole relationship thing. I am absolutely crazy about this boy. I enjoy his company, I am blown away by his intellect. and I absolutely love the way that I feel whenever I'm around him. His family is amazing, he has clear career goals, he's creative, and he's actually doing something with his life. With him, it's all completely different. Every other relationship I've ever been in was a "because he makes me happy" thing, but with Ryan, I don't rely on him to make me happy, he doesn't fill a void; I enjoy sharing my happiness with him, but I can also be happy without having to talk to him or be with him. I don't depend on him to make my life better, or to solve all of my problems. This one is entirely different. He's an amazing guy, and being around him absolutely blows my mind. Sometimes I just feel slightly inadequate, though. Like maybe I'm not exactly what he's looking for in a girl... Sometimes I feel like it'd be better if he had a girl that was a better conversationalist... or maybe one that wasn't half as insecure as me. and I hate that. The fact that I'm so insecure about everything.
I guess the whole "David situation" cut me deeper than I realized. I gave that relationship 110% and I KNEW that he was only halfassing it the entire time. I honestly never thought he'd be the one to say "I just don't want to be with you anymore, I'm tired of trying." I thought I was an amazing girlfriend. I did a lot for him...but because of what he did... because my very best wasn't good enough for him... it's just hard for me to see how I could be good enough for anyone... Now, I'm not saying that I want to be with him; I honestly could not care less if never saw him again. If there is a person on this earth that I could say I hate... it would be him. I hate just about every fiber of his being. Dragging me around for two and a half years like he did...and me being naive enough to go along.... it makes me physically sick thinking about it.
What I'm trying to say is that I guess this is why I'm probably so insecure with Ryan. and, you know what... it's honestly not fair to him. He deserves a girlfriend who doesn't come with so much emotional baggage; a girlfriend without trust issues. He is an amazing guy, and he deserves someone who can give him 110%. I'm not entirely sure I can do that. You have no idea how much I want to believe whole-heartedly that when he says "I love you," he means it. The kind of love that's unconditional, inextinguishable, and pure. The kind of love that makes people do things they never thought they could do, a love that you can build something more on. I'm all about the "stories." You know what I'm talking about... one that goes kind of like this:
We dated in high school... my first real boyfriend... he broke my heart... we went our separate ways... he apologized selflessly... and after five years of not talking (after two failed relationships), we connected and the chemistry was still there. Then we got married, traveled the world, and lived happily ever after. The end.
See, it's the makings of a great book, or something... right? Only kidding. :-P
For real though, this is all so crazy. Everything about our relationship has been extremely accelerated; a fact I attribute to the chemistry we had so long ago. I want to have that storybook romance. I want to be the girl that wasn't quite his type in high school... but the one he wants to settle down with. We're both young and it's far too early to be thinking any of that garbage, but I can't help it. It sounds nice, and a girl can't help but hope. I am absolutely crazy about him. It is an amazing feeling. I love that he understands me me, I love his sense of humor.... I love being held tight in his arms, I get a rush feeling his body next to mine. There's some kind of energy between us that's amazingly indescribable and pure. It's epic. You really have no idea.
I mean, logically thinking, it could possibly just be my hormones... and there is no energy, but what fun is there in believing that? I guess where the fear comes in...goes back to a story he told me when we first started dating. It was about how great a salesman he was, and how he knew all the right things to say to sell anything to anyone. It got me thinking. Is he just selling me this security just so he can "get some"? I hate thinking this way, but can you blame me? Sex is important to me. It's something I've never experienced, and it's something I want to experience with someone when I am financially and emotionally ready to deal with the consequences that could come of it. It's something I'd only really like to experience with one person. As lame as it sounds, I do believe it's something special... something sacred. I feel so safe, so secure with Ryan... but then again. It's been two months. I've been in relationships for 2 years thinking I was going to marry that person, only to be disappointed in the end.
When I think about my relationship with Ryan... there really isn't a definite "forever." I mean, what's going to happen when he's gone for three months @ basic training... or when he's sent right after that to school in a different state? Possibly halfway across the country? Where will we be then? Are we really going to try the whole long distance thing? Will that even work out? Will he find someone else while he's gone? Will I be able to move out and live with him, wherever? Would he even want me to move out with him? Why would I move out with him in the first place?... I mean, I love him... but I'm not looking for a roommate...especially one that's not there. I don't want to move to a different state and have him shipped out for 6 months... and be left alone. Without health insurance, without family, without friends...without an education or job experience. I know I'm thinking too much, and I know if he read this... he'd probably start freaking out that I'm even thinking about this, but it's stuff that needs to be thought about, and stuff that needs to be considered before making any big decisions.
Who knows where life will take us. If it works, it works. If it doesn't... it'll be sad, but there's more fish in the sea... more doors to be opened... more chapters to be written. I'd just rather not go through the heartbreak that leads me to the other fish, doors, or chapters when I'm happy with the fish I have, the door I've opened, and the chapter I'm writing now. Oh God, stop me now. I'm getting incredibly lame. :-D
I believe that is enough for now. What do you say? Is that a big enough pill to swallow? So how about we just say...."until next time"? ;-)
Shannon
Another thing that's really been on my mind is my whole relationship thing. I am absolutely crazy about this boy. I enjoy his company, I am blown away by his intellect. and I absolutely love the way that I feel whenever I'm around him. His family is amazing, he has clear career goals, he's creative, and he's actually doing something with his life. With him, it's all completely different. Every other relationship I've ever been in was a "because he makes me happy" thing, but with Ryan, I don't rely on him to make me happy, he doesn't fill a void; I enjoy sharing my happiness with him, but I can also be happy without having to talk to him or be with him. I don't depend on him to make my life better, or to solve all of my problems. This one is entirely different. He's an amazing guy, and being around him absolutely blows my mind. Sometimes I just feel slightly inadequate, though. Like maybe I'm not exactly what he's looking for in a girl... Sometimes I feel like it'd be better if he had a girl that was a better conversationalist... or maybe one that wasn't half as insecure as me. and I hate that. The fact that I'm so insecure about everything.
I guess the whole "David situation" cut me deeper than I realized. I gave that relationship 110% and I KNEW that he was only halfassing it the entire time. I honestly never thought he'd be the one to say "I just don't want to be with you anymore, I'm tired of trying." I thought I was an amazing girlfriend. I did a lot for him...but because of what he did... because my very best wasn't good enough for him... it's just hard for me to see how I could be good enough for anyone... Now, I'm not saying that I want to be with him; I honestly could not care less if never saw him again. If there is a person on this earth that I could say I hate... it would be him. I hate just about every fiber of his being. Dragging me around for two and a half years like he did...and me being naive enough to go along.... it makes me physically sick thinking about it.
What I'm trying to say is that I guess this is why I'm probably so insecure with Ryan. and, you know what... it's honestly not fair to him. He deserves a girlfriend who doesn't come with so much emotional baggage; a girlfriend without trust issues. He is an amazing guy, and he deserves someone who can give him 110%. I'm not entirely sure I can do that. You have no idea how much I want to believe whole-heartedly that when he says "I love you," he means it. The kind of love that's unconditional, inextinguishable, and pure. The kind of love that makes people do things they never thought they could do, a love that you can build something more on. I'm all about the "stories." You know what I'm talking about... one that goes kind of like this:
We dated in high school... my first real boyfriend... he broke my heart... we went our separate ways... he apologized selflessly... and after five years of not talking (after two failed relationships), we connected and the chemistry was still there. Then we got married, traveled the world, and lived happily ever after. The end.
See, it's the makings of a great book, or something... right? Only kidding. :-P
For real though, this is all so crazy. Everything about our relationship has been extremely accelerated; a fact I attribute to the chemistry we had so long ago. I want to have that storybook romance. I want to be the girl that wasn't quite his type in high school... but the one he wants to settle down with. We're both young and it's far too early to be thinking any of that garbage, but I can't help it. It sounds nice, and a girl can't help but hope. I am absolutely crazy about him. It is an amazing feeling. I love that he understands me me, I love his sense of humor.... I love being held tight in his arms, I get a rush feeling his body next to mine. There's some kind of energy between us that's amazingly indescribable and pure. It's epic. You really have no idea.
I mean, logically thinking, it could possibly just be my hormones... and there is no energy, but what fun is there in believing that? I guess where the fear comes in...goes back to a story he told me when we first started dating. It was about how great a salesman he was, and how he knew all the right things to say to sell anything to anyone. It got me thinking. Is he just selling me this security just so he can "get some"? I hate thinking this way, but can you blame me? Sex is important to me. It's something I've never experienced, and it's something I want to experience with someone when I am financially and emotionally ready to deal with the consequences that could come of it. It's something I'd only really like to experience with one person. As lame as it sounds, I do believe it's something special... something sacred. I feel so safe, so secure with Ryan... but then again. It's been two months. I've been in relationships for 2 years thinking I was going to marry that person, only to be disappointed in the end.
When I think about my relationship with Ryan... there really isn't a definite "forever." I mean, what's going to happen when he's gone for three months @ basic training... or when he's sent right after that to school in a different state? Possibly halfway across the country? Where will we be then? Are we really going to try the whole long distance thing? Will that even work out? Will he find someone else while he's gone? Will I be able to move out and live with him, wherever? Would he even want me to move out with him? Why would I move out with him in the first place?... I mean, I love him... but I'm not looking for a roommate...especially one that's not there. I don't want to move to a different state and have him shipped out for 6 months... and be left alone. Without health insurance, without family, without friends...without an education or job experience. I know I'm thinking too much, and I know if he read this... he'd probably start freaking out that I'm even thinking about this, but it's stuff that needs to be thought about, and stuff that needs to be considered before making any big decisions.
Who knows where life will take us. If it works, it works. If it doesn't... it'll be sad, but there's more fish in the sea... more doors to be opened... more chapters to be written. I'd just rather not go through the heartbreak that leads me to the other fish, doors, or chapters when I'm happy with the fish I have, the door I've opened, and the chapter I'm writing now. Oh God, stop me now. I'm getting incredibly lame. :-D
I believe that is enough for now. What do you say? Is that a big enough pill to swallow? So how about we just say...."until next time"? ;-)
Shannon