(no subject)
I sit here lost in my thoughts. I try hard to make mmyself happy and it gets harder and harder to do. I try so hard in my life to try to just be happy as a person could be but it never works. I could try harder than anyone on this planet and it's always stripped away from me in some form. I hate myself, again.
My family will shun me and make me feel unloved. They already do that sometimes. It's always them or my brothers. My brother always get in trouble and get their hands on drugs. They shove me to the side unless they want money or want me to do something for them. They never want to hear me out and anyway, if I open up to them they correct me in what they think is best for me even if it means me being miserable. I hate being here when I feel like crap. I try so hard to make them happy and do what they want. I pay for stuff for them. I only get shoved into the darkness when doing so but get yelled at if I don't do it. I'm at a lose of what to do. I don't know what happiness is from a family. I haven't felt that since I was about 13. I always felt alone and upset over stuff because I felt as if I was a burden to them. I still feel that way. I told them I wanted to kill myself once and they laughed. Yet, my brother tells them the same thing and all the sudden they have money to get him to see a psychologist. I once told them I wanted to have a sex change and they called it disgusting. It made me feel horrible and unloved. Am I not good enough for even my family to love? I don't think I am. People don't understand how much it hurts.
Then someone I fall in love with comes along and...makes life worth living. <3
But all happy things come to an sudden end for me...
My love life was great till about two weeks ago? Of course I was yet, again...broken up with. Thinking it was the best for me. It wasn't. It never was. I never cried over a break up. I have never done that before. It was either I felt a numbness or a not caring feeling inside. Now, it's just pain and tears. I was really happy and I felt like I could actually live life and not be left, again. I was wrong. I was so wrong. It hurts so much. I actually was happy for once with someone in my life knowing I probably couldn't have been left. I just don't undertstand. I felt sick and wanted to die. I felt like the only person who acted like they cared about me just didn't want to be with me anymore at all. I still feel that.
If you ever read this. You know who you are. I really do still love you and I was really very happy with you. You meant so much to me and you made me feel so happy. You made me feel loved. You didn't make me feel like a burden. I would do anything to prove that I would run to you if it meant being with you, again. I know the distance sucked horribly. I know it bothered us both but I was happy with you. I wanted to work harder and more just to get more money to see you and hold, hug, kiss and make you smile in person. Tell you that I love you and that I would do anything for you. I felt so happy with you because I knew if I really needed you. You would be there in a heartbeat in some form or way. You would listen to me and help with my issues. You would always try to give me advice. You would sit with me if I was upset and let me just talk away. You would do so much for me and it made me feel so loved. I wish it didn't end. I was happy with you just being there with you because you always knew how to make me smile better and brighter than anyone else. You're beautiful inside and out. You could always make me laugh or smile because of what you would do for me.
I know you don't believe me. I know you feel as if you couldn't make me happy but you did. You made me just feel loved and cared for. You made me feel better and loved in ways I have never felt. You never made me doubt what was between us like I did for many others. You just always where the best thing for me.
I know you have your faults. You get upset. You get into bad moods. I loved that about you because I always wanted to be there to cheer you up. I wanted to be the person that you could go to and just tell me anything and talk to me about everything.
We would always talk our problems out. For whatever reason you thought that my problem was you. It never was you.
I love you more than anything and anyone. I really honestly do. I would do anything and everything to get you back and to prove that you are the only person that makes me as happy as I was. I wish for us to be one, again.
Being one with you is what completes the little happiness I had left. <3 I love you so much, hun.
I wish you could see this. I really do. If you ever saw this...would you please just be mine, again? That is all I want from you. Is your loyalty and undying love. That is all.
I want to go against all odds to be with you forever. I really do.
Distance, pain, fights, love, happiness, tears, and silly antics. I want that all with you. I'm okay with it too. Not all relationships are perfect. We fight to show we love each other. We cry to show we care. The distance is something that not only will make our love stronger but another hurdle we must leap to overcome. The pain we feel because of the distance is love, right? So, please be mine, again? Fight and stand by me till the end?
My last thought before I go to sleep and when I wake up is still you. I wish I was yours and you were mine because you are my happiness. <3 So, please be mine?