a retrospective of the past year?
I turned 26 yesterday. And for the first time in over 10 years, I didn't seriously consider the option of killing myself thinking about turning a year older. Is this adulthood? Finally being comfortable in one's body, mind and place in the universe?
At the suggestion of my sweetest, favorite person, I'll do some kind of attempt at a restrospective of the past year.
What, oh, what hapenned in the past 365 days, one might ask. What didn't, might I answer. I feel so far away in space & time & mind from a year ago that it's almost impossible to go back that far.
One year ago, roughly day for day thought, I was running with my puppy Arthur in the first snow of the year and coincidently his first snow ever. He was very cute & excited, running and jumping around like only a puppy can do.
I had nothing else in my life than Arthur. I had no job, I didnt spoke much to my friends back then cause I was really depressed. My entire days were related to this dog. And I loved this dog to death. I had no goals in life, nothing to look forward too. My relationship with my ex was on the verge of ending, even if I didnt realize it back then, cause I really had nothing to look forward to, so I was happy with what I had.
I must have been such a psychological burden for my ex, for my family, and for my friends. It's sad to look at someone drowning when that person do nothing to help herself from sinking at the bottom.
I had moments where I try to overcome this lethargy. I genuinely wanted at one point to go back to school.Bureaucracy and administration made it nearly impossible for me to do so. Yes, they must preferred I just stay home and cash the checks they were sending me than to have to worry about me needing a transportation to go back to school. I still wish today I could do something about all the people in that area who are currently in the same sinking hole I was; it's mighty hard to do something with your life when you life in an area that doesn't even have public transportation.
But anyway, long story short, I was looking for myself very passively, hoping I guess that just a little introspection and a lot of hopes meant I would wake up one day with a plan, with ideas, with means to do something with myself. In the meanwhile, I'll just pet my puppy while watching TV & eating chips, thank you.
I could be embarrased to tell you this, but I could also take this life's lesson for what it's worth and share it shamelessly with you: I drove a good guy away cause he was tired of looking at his depressed and worthless girlfriend. Cause yes, I was completely worthless. I was just a parasit to society and I wasn't working too hard to get myself out of that situation.
And in a way, that guy gave me the best gift he could ever give a girl like me. He dumped me. He forced me to be REALLY all alone with my pathetic self. And fuck did I hated him for that. What a cruel and unsensitive thing to do.
But I could never be more grateful of something in my life, I guess. Safe for the chance I had to wake up and realize I wasn't happy, I wasn't doing anything with my life and I was just going to kill myself if I had to continue one more year in that state.
That hapenned 8 months ago. The bigger part of this past year I worked on finding myself again, to rebuild my confidence, to re-enjoy my life.
That's what I did in the past year. That's why I'm standing here, right now, smiling and happy.
Am I done in my process? I doubt one ever is. But I sure am on the right path now. And thanks to a wonderful set of fortunate event, I have the chance to be with a wonderful man that is just so perfect for me. And I had him with me for roughly the past 5 months. That's a good part of a year too.
So overall, I would say I don't regret a single moment of this past year. The tears, the frustration, the crying at night, the smiles, the laughs, all the wonders I get to witness everyday. I am happy I had the chance to life through all this.
I still miss my puppy a lot thought.
At the suggestion of my sweetest, favorite person, I'll do some kind of attempt at a restrospective of the past year.
What, oh, what hapenned in the past 365 days, one might ask. What didn't, might I answer. I feel so far away in space & time & mind from a year ago that it's almost impossible to go back that far.
One year ago, roughly day for day thought, I was running with my puppy Arthur in the first snow of the year and coincidently his first snow ever. He was very cute & excited, running and jumping around like only a puppy can do.
I had nothing else in my life than Arthur. I had no job, I didnt spoke much to my friends back then cause I was really depressed. My entire days were related to this dog. And I loved this dog to death. I had no goals in life, nothing to look forward too. My relationship with my ex was on the verge of ending, even if I didnt realize it back then, cause I really had nothing to look forward to, so I was happy with what I had.
I must have been such a psychological burden for my ex, for my family, and for my friends. It's sad to look at someone drowning when that person do nothing to help herself from sinking at the bottom.
I had moments where I try to overcome this lethargy. I genuinely wanted at one point to go back to school.Bureaucracy and administration made it nearly impossible for me to do so. Yes, they must preferred I just stay home and cash the checks they were sending me than to have to worry about me needing a transportation to go back to school. I still wish today I could do something about all the people in that area who are currently in the same sinking hole I was; it's mighty hard to do something with your life when you life in an area that doesn't even have public transportation.
But anyway, long story short, I was looking for myself very passively, hoping I guess that just a little introspection and a lot of hopes meant I would wake up one day with a plan, with ideas, with means to do something with myself. In the meanwhile, I'll just pet my puppy while watching TV & eating chips, thank you.
I could be embarrased to tell you this, but I could also take this life's lesson for what it's worth and share it shamelessly with you: I drove a good guy away cause he was tired of looking at his depressed and worthless girlfriend. Cause yes, I was completely worthless. I was just a parasit to society and I wasn't working too hard to get myself out of that situation.
And in a way, that guy gave me the best gift he could ever give a girl like me. He dumped me. He forced me to be REALLY all alone with my pathetic self. And fuck did I hated him for that. What a cruel and unsensitive thing to do.
But I could never be more grateful of something in my life, I guess. Safe for the chance I had to wake up and realize I wasn't happy, I wasn't doing anything with my life and I was just going to kill myself if I had to continue one more year in that state.
That hapenned 8 months ago. The bigger part of this past year I worked on finding myself again, to rebuild my confidence, to re-enjoy my life.
That's what I did in the past year. That's why I'm standing here, right now, smiling and happy.
Am I done in my process? I doubt one ever is. But I sure am on the right path now. And thanks to a wonderful set of fortunate event, I have the chance to be with a wonderful man that is just so perfect for me. And I had him with me for roughly the past 5 months. That's a good part of a year too.
So overall, I would say I don't regret a single moment of this past year. The tears, the frustration, the crying at night, the smiles, the laughs, all the wonders I get to witness everyday. I am happy I had the chance to life through all this.
I still miss my puppy a lot thought.