(no subject)
Ugh. I've been fighting with myself since friday.
I dont know what would be the best choice for me: Should i stick it out here and try and force myself to work and go to a very accellerated school schedule and live with people who arent emotionally compatible with me...
Or should i go back home to Oregon, to live with my grandparents(who are also not exactly emotionally compatible with me but we at least know and love each other), go on a longer but less hardcore school schedule, and possibly work some to cover the cost of internet and save some money away?
Both have their pros and cons, but the way this week has made me feel...just utterly hopeless....
I wake up in the mornings ill and unhappy, force myself to go apply at places i -dont want to work at- because i have to find a job or i'll be homeless...
Part of me just wants to give up. It wont be the path of least resistance in the long run, but At the very least i wont live in utter fear. I dont know if i'm really cut out for what i'm setting up for myself here. All i Really Want is to go to school and get a degree, so that i can make money that'll support a life with some modicum of comfort.
That is all i'm asking.
I could do that here or i could do that back home.
Back home would be difficult, because of internet restrictions and etc, but if i get a simple part-time job, that'll easily cover the cost of internet, if nothing else, dial-up is cheap. It'd more than likely cover broadband as well, but we'd have to see what's available. I'd be with family--with my grandparents again, yeah. But they're family, i -love- them, i know them, and i've grown up a lot--perhaps that'd help. If nothing else, i'd be back in the northwest...god i miss it. I miss the green and the mountains and the snow and the whole feel of home. It's small and slow and easy to grasp. i'm starting to cry again.
I dont know. A big part of my heart is telling me it's right to go home and try to Live and go to school there. Glenda...bless her heart. She's a good woman, and she's sweet and i like her but i do not love the woman, and i know that having me here is difficult on her. I'm just another thing holding her back and getting in her way. Scott doesnt like me much, and though he usually treats me with civility, it's when he doesnt that i can really tell that i'm an obstruction to him as well.
And as much as i'd like to study Digital Graphic Arts, having to work enough to pay for school and and still have enough life in me to study sounds like an order too tall for me to fill. I could go back and spend the next 2-4 years getting an IT degree and go into web design. Or, hell. Any one of the degrees KCC or OIT offer.
I dont know, folks. It pulls at my heart. this heaviness in my soul comes from a lot of sources, but i've often wondered if a lot of it may be because i'm being more stubborn than is good. I've been fighting going home for so long...
*sigh*
Going home would not be so bad. the worst part of it would be adjusting to living with my grandparents again and that which comes with it. Second worst is leaving all the friends and contacts here in Texas behind.
I dont know.
Any opinions biased or no are encouraged and appreciated.
I dont know what would be the best choice for me: Should i stick it out here and try and force myself to work and go to a very accellerated school schedule and live with people who arent emotionally compatible with me...
Or should i go back home to Oregon, to live with my grandparents(who are also not exactly emotionally compatible with me but we at least know and love each other), go on a longer but less hardcore school schedule, and possibly work some to cover the cost of internet and save some money away?
Both have their pros and cons, but the way this week has made me feel...just utterly hopeless....
I wake up in the mornings ill and unhappy, force myself to go apply at places i -dont want to work at- because i have to find a job or i'll be homeless...
Part of me just wants to give up. It wont be the path of least resistance in the long run, but At the very least i wont live in utter fear. I dont know if i'm really cut out for what i'm setting up for myself here. All i Really Want is to go to school and get a degree, so that i can make money that'll support a life with some modicum of comfort.
That is all i'm asking.
I could do that here or i could do that back home.
Back home would be difficult, because of internet restrictions and etc, but if i get a simple part-time job, that'll easily cover the cost of internet, if nothing else, dial-up is cheap. It'd more than likely cover broadband as well, but we'd have to see what's available. I'd be with family--with my grandparents again, yeah. But they're family, i -love- them, i know them, and i've grown up a lot--perhaps that'd help. If nothing else, i'd be back in the northwest...god i miss it. I miss the green and the mountains and the snow and the whole feel of home. It's small and slow and easy to grasp. i'm starting to cry again.
I dont know. A big part of my heart is telling me it's right to go home and try to Live and go to school there. Glenda...bless her heart. She's a good woman, and she's sweet and i like her but i do not love the woman, and i know that having me here is difficult on her. I'm just another thing holding her back and getting in her way. Scott doesnt like me much, and though he usually treats me with civility, it's when he doesnt that i can really tell that i'm an obstruction to him as well.
And as much as i'd like to study Digital Graphic Arts, having to work enough to pay for school and and still have enough life in me to study sounds like an order too tall for me to fill. I could go back and spend the next 2-4 years getting an IT degree and go into web design. Or, hell. Any one of the degrees KCC or OIT offer.
I dont know, folks. It pulls at my heart. this heaviness in my soul comes from a lot of sources, but i've often wondered if a lot of it may be because i'm being more stubborn than is good. I've been fighting going home for so long...
*sigh*
Going home would not be so bad. the worst part of it would be adjusting to living with my grandparents again and that which comes with it. Second worst is leaving all the friends and contacts here in Texas behind.
I dont know.
Any opinions biased or no are encouraged and appreciated.