The Operation
OK, so one of the ways I coped with the whole transition was to be very Zen about it. I use Zen to describe what I think Buddhist teachings mean when they say "there is no X", where X is something that is very definitely happening. Well, in this case, "there is no transition" would be the right one. Another way to say it would be to say that I focused on the journey not the destination.
Basically, I knew I could not get to this point, the point I find myself at right now. It just seemed so far away and unachievable and it would take lots of strength, effort and resources at a time when I had none. If I said "this is what I want to achieve", I would have cracked. I did crack, several times. And I put myself back together and went for it once again.
I've also talked about how I wasn't mentally sane or stable and I needed to find time to mentally come to terms with my transition before actually doing it and to know that this is what I wanted. It still strikes me as really weird that people think the surgery is the first stage in transition. I've been mentioning to various people that I do not know very well that I will be away due to an operation and of the few that ask, I mention that it's Gender Reassignment Surgery. So far, they all look at me in blank confusion and ask me if I want to be a boy, which is extremely gratifying and pleasing, but it's also annoying for the assumption that surgery is the first step.
The problem in having something be an unattainable goal for so long is, basically, when it's suddenly attainable and there, it's hard to shift focus. I did not think it would be, but it helps explain some of my not quite dealing with this.
Basically, I knew I could not get to this point, the point I find myself at right now. It just seemed so far away and unachievable and it would take lots of strength, effort and resources at a time when I had none. If I said "this is what I want to achieve", I would have cracked. I did crack, several times. And I put myself back together and went for it once again.
I've also talked about how I wasn't mentally sane or stable and I needed to find time to mentally come to terms with my transition before actually doing it and to know that this is what I wanted. It still strikes me as really weird that people think the surgery is the first stage in transition. I've been mentioning to various people that I do not know very well that I will be away due to an operation and of the few that ask, I mention that it's Gender Reassignment Surgery. So far, they all look at me in blank confusion and ask me if I want to be a boy, which is extremely gratifying and pleasing, but it's also annoying for the assumption that surgery is the first step.
The problem in having something be an unattainable goal for so long is, basically, when it's suddenly attainable and there, it's hard to shift focus. I did not think it would be, but it helps explain some of my not quite dealing with this.