Getting Angry
I'm not having a fun time because of the testosterone spike at the moment, and that seems to be probably at the root cause of my angst at the moment. It's weird, because I'm kinda watching myself as if from a distance get more argumentative and angry, while becoming more and more detached. I should be tempted to say that things are completely bad because of this but, although it's upsetting and it makes me feel a bit depressed, and I'd like it to stop, there's also some positive side to it.
For one thing, I'm starting to stand up for myself more and I'm finding it easier to get angry when things aren't right. I hadn't realised just how utterly even-tempered I've been for the last while until I lost my temper recently. I may have completely overdone not being angry. So I'm trying to channel the rage I'm feeling into useful things, things where being angry makes sense, while I have it. Hopefully, it'll stop the disturbing tendency to passive aggressiveness that's been really developing.
So one of the things I've done is lose my temper at the Islington Sea Cadets and I've quit from any and all responsibilities outside of being a involved with the IT side. Pretty much, I'm angry with the way they've treated me. I spent time and energy drawing up a plan, building consensus and trying to get people to follow it, but the minute they had someone better to follow, they ditched me.
It wouldn't be so bad if they ditched me for someone more competent and with a clear plan. I was only ever going to be a stop-gap measure, and I was feeling my way carefully, using the experience I had at managing previous voluntary organisations and from debugging systems (in this case organisational and human) to work out what to do. But the plan they went back to is the old plan, the one that wasn't working.
At the start, I was happy to be replaced, because I thought the person replacing me had experience and knowledge. They'd built the original building back in the day, which is no mean feat. So I was hoping they'd sort out the building while keeping on making fixes.
But they treated my whole plan as "brainstorming", don't seem interested in doing any of the stuff I identified, even if they wanted a change in direction, and then they seemed to be trading on the trust and goodwill I'd built up with the Sea Cadet organisation as a whole while keeping me out of it. That made me really angry. And when they chose to save the building at all costs, even at the cost of the Unit, I felt that was just morally wrong.
Then there was the issue of them demanding I take down this blog because I mention the Islington Sea Cadets in it and Google ranked it fifth in search terms for "Islington Sea Cadets". I thought I wasn't too angry about that, but that upset me a lot. It's my personal blog and I was only writing stuff that I was either thinking through or which I'd talked about with other people. I'm always careful to live a life where what I say in public and in private remains broadly the same. There shouldn't have been anything in there that was objectionable. Part of me wonders how much the trans thing played into it, because everyone was careful not to mention the trans stuff when chewing me out about mixing the ISC with unacceptable content. But even if it wasn't that, it was just the whole paranoid, information controlling mindset. Charities need to be open and transparent, up to a point, and at least half the objection seemed to be that I was talking about what I was doing with the ISC without approval. That kind of shuttered thinking just doesn't work for me.
But I'm also angry with the Sea Cadet body as a whole. They sent us an email saying that we'd not contacted them since they'd suspended our authorisation to train in October. That makes me really angry because the time I spent talking to them and drawing up my plan went from November to March. So pretty much everything I'd done hadn't happened, and that really, really pissed me off. Especially since I'd perhaps alienated some of the people on the committee by trying to push some things Area wanted through, and this is the kind of way I get supported.
I'm also annoyed because I achieved a lot of the things they wanted. The one thing I had no power over was getting a new Commanding Officer and that's where they utterly failed me. I tried to put the one they picked back in charge, even if the committee weren't sure of him because he'd been slacking the time before, and then when he leaves to join the NTC (the Sea Cadet splinter group), which they they said they suspected it might happen, and they don't get me a new one. Then my committee blocks me from chasing it up when the leadership changes. The whole thing was a mess and a farce.
Anyway, I'm really angry over the whole thing and, having generally spoken of it with a few different people, the consensus has been to leave for a while now, so that's what I've done.
For one thing, I'm starting to stand up for myself more and I'm finding it easier to get angry when things aren't right. I hadn't realised just how utterly even-tempered I've been for the last while until I lost my temper recently. I may have completely overdone not being angry. So I'm trying to channel the rage I'm feeling into useful things, things where being angry makes sense, while I have it. Hopefully, it'll stop the disturbing tendency to passive aggressiveness that's been really developing.
So one of the things I've done is lose my temper at the Islington Sea Cadets and I've quit from any and all responsibilities outside of being a involved with the IT side. Pretty much, I'm angry with the way they've treated me. I spent time and energy drawing up a plan, building consensus and trying to get people to follow it, but the minute they had someone better to follow, they ditched me.
It wouldn't be so bad if they ditched me for someone more competent and with a clear plan. I was only ever going to be a stop-gap measure, and I was feeling my way carefully, using the experience I had at managing previous voluntary organisations and from debugging systems (in this case organisational and human) to work out what to do. But the plan they went back to is the old plan, the one that wasn't working.
At the start, I was happy to be replaced, because I thought the person replacing me had experience and knowledge. They'd built the original building back in the day, which is no mean feat. So I was hoping they'd sort out the building while keeping on making fixes.
But they treated my whole plan as "brainstorming", don't seem interested in doing any of the stuff I identified, even if they wanted a change in direction, and then they seemed to be trading on the trust and goodwill I'd built up with the Sea Cadet organisation as a whole while keeping me out of it. That made me really angry. And when they chose to save the building at all costs, even at the cost of the Unit, I felt that was just morally wrong.
Then there was the issue of them demanding I take down this blog because I mention the Islington Sea Cadets in it and Google ranked it fifth in search terms for "Islington Sea Cadets". I thought I wasn't too angry about that, but that upset me a lot. It's my personal blog and I was only writing stuff that I was either thinking through or which I'd talked about with other people. I'm always careful to live a life where what I say in public and in private remains broadly the same. There shouldn't have been anything in there that was objectionable. Part of me wonders how much the trans thing played into it, because everyone was careful not to mention the trans stuff when chewing me out about mixing the ISC with unacceptable content. But even if it wasn't that, it was just the whole paranoid, information controlling mindset. Charities need to be open and transparent, up to a point, and at least half the objection seemed to be that I was talking about what I was doing with the ISC without approval. That kind of shuttered thinking just doesn't work for me.
But I'm also angry with the Sea Cadet body as a whole. They sent us an email saying that we'd not contacted them since they'd suspended our authorisation to train in October. That makes me really angry because the time I spent talking to them and drawing up my plan went from November to March. So pretty much everything I'd done hadn't happened, and that really, really pissed me off. Especially since I'd perhaps alienated some of the people on the committee by trying to push some things Area wanted through, and this is the kind of way I get supported.
I'm also annoyed because I achieved a lot of the things they wanted. The one thing I had no power over was getting a new Commanding Officer and that's where they utterly failed me. I tried to put the one they picked back in charge, even if the committee weren't sure of him because he'd been slacking the time before, and then when he leaves to join the NTC (the Sea Cadet splinter group), which they they said they suspected it might happen, and they don't get me a new one. Then my committee blocks me from chasing it up when the leadership changes. The whole thing was a mess and a farce.
Anyway, I'm really angry over the whole thing and, having generally spoken of it with a few different people, the consensus has been to leave for a while now, so that's what I've done.