Don't Be That Guy.

[synecdochic]

I keep thinking about the discussions that have come up in the comments to my post about sex-positivism and performative sexuality and the concept of bystander consent, and I keep thinking about all the subtle little cues and clues I personally use to separate Okay from Skeevy when people approach me. Talking in the comments there made me realize

Comments

This is really the core

[anonymous]

The broader issue of power dynamics and power perception-- not just in a gender context-- might be driving this whole discussion and these whole sets of issues.

It's been my theory for many years, that only people who feel powerless violate others. They do not realize or control their own strength, because they feel like they don't have any. Very scary. The whole tangle you mention, is one of perceived powerlessness.

If you feel slighted, or weak, or helpless, you can very easily hurt others, intentionally or not. Starting out with a premise "men are privileged and women are not", right off the bat sets you up to be That Guy-- because now you (and your commenters) are justified in piling on the "privileged" group. In that frame, men's opinions automatically don't matter, because we're privileged and you're oppressed. Again, there's tons of evidence to indicate that you're correct, but still, it's a dangerous premise from which to begin a discussion.

Most men who are being That Guy do NOT feel privileged at the time they are doing it. They (we) feel desperate, needy, helpless, and weak. We have a raging hard-on, or a fluttering in the heart, or both, and we WANT you, we NEED you, and that's indeed dangerous, and your fear is well-founded: neediness can and too often does skid across the continuum from skeevy to creepy to scary to outright assault. Desperation and weakness is a very evil headspace to get into.

The same is true in gender politics though. If you are feeling oppressed by the patriarchy, then watch out. Some man is going to get his balls chewed off, and possibly for no reason at all, or, in a very subtle way, be invalidated and demeaned.

I keep thinking of the Israelis and Palestinians-- two groups who both feel like the victim, and thus either unaware of how they invalidate and violate each other, or able to feel justified in doing so.

I'm not sure how to get out of the tangle either. But you're wrestling with a very, very difficult problem, and have added a great deal of clarity to it.