This took way too long to type....
----This was posted a couple days ago to Erik and Tyler to get their impressions before making this public. I wanted to be sure what I had to say made sense before I posted it for everyone to see.---
This is going to upset a lot of people but I’ve decided to make an official and in-depth statement.
My whole life I have been a Christian. When I was little I used to read and study the Bible with my aunt. As I grew a little older I was a member of a church youth group. Then there was a year or two where I didn’t grow spiritually and I sank into depression. I was hospitalized for self-mutilation and when I got out, I thanked God for getting me through that rough period. A few years later I ended up in another depression which caused me to drop out of school. Eventually I got better and again praised God. A year or two later I started reading the Bible again. I wanted to get closer to God. I starting feeling better about my life but I had people around me that weren’t saved and I wanted to help them. They had objections about Christianity that I didn’t have the answers to. So I did some research, reading any book on apologetics I could find. I kept praying that I would find truth, a better relationship with God, and a way to help the people around me find God. As I became more curious I read books on atheism to learn that side of the argument, to refute their faults with Christianity. I wanted to find more questions to answer. I did everything I could to make an airtight case for Christianity… but each answer I found brought up more questions. I continued to pray as I spent more and more time trying to validate the infallibility of the Bible. Eventually there were just too many unanswered questions, things that didn’t make sense. As time went on I started wondering how so many people can be so certain in the faith when so much didn’t add up. My quest to solidify my faith had turned into a quest to find a reason to continue believing. I still called myself a Christian, expecting everything to work it self out eventually. My research didn’t stop but I needed to actually discuss some things with people that were strong in their faith. So I made a livejournal and read Christian forums. On the forums nothing ever got accomplished. Christians would always just tell the atheists to get to know God then they would understand, no matter what the question. The livejournal, although not existing long, helped slightly but still showed me that there are just some questions that can’t be answered. I know a lot of people can just give the benefit of the doubt to the Bible on any discrepancy, claim “the Bible says it so it must be true”, and chalk up any other absurdity to “well God knows better than I do so I’m not going to question it”. I myself have done this and for too long. I can only give the Bible so much slack.
Looking back now I never actually experienced God. Sure going to church made me happy and thinking God was always there was comforting... but these don’t prove God. I never had a time when I thought for sure it was God telling me something or making me feel something. I did everything that was required of me to be saved; I accepted Christ and I loved him with all my heart. For a long time I never doubted my faith. Yet I never experienced anything unique while a Christian. I never felt my life improved other than by my brighter outlook. And when I prayed to find the truth, I found mythology. When I was a kid, with everything I was told, I thought the Bible was written by God himself and to even question it would get you sent to hell. God’s existence was as much a fact to me as anything I learned in school. I never truly chose Christ; I was just raised thinking that he was the only option. There was no one there to tell me of the absurd, illogical, and often violent parts of the Bible. I had to learn of those on my own and to this day have not been able to reconcile it with the loving God I grew up with.
This period has been very stressful for me. Being a Christian had been part of my identity and for MANY reasons I wish I could continue being one. I want so badly to believe. I want to be sure that it doesn’t all end when I die, that the people that do wrong to me will be punished, and that there is always someone there for me that loves me no matter what… that I am never truly alone. It wasn’t as if I was neutral on the subject or set out to debunk Christianity. I pursued the truth in good faith, praying for God’s guidance the whole way.
This whole thing is no one’s fault. I have been traveling down this road for a long time, pretending it wasn’t happening. I won’t be any different a person than I was before, since the person you knew was always wavering on his beliefs. At some points I thought I was done with Christianity, others I thought maybe I’ll just be a Gnostic so I didn’t have to take the Bible so literally. I all the while continued to claim myself a Christian hoping I would find God and be able to pretend none of this happened. Now I just won’t be pretending to be someone I’m not. Maybe someday I will come around again, but I don’t see that as being very likely with my lengthy list of complaints and having felt like I've never actually experienced God.
I would also like to add that unless you can, in fact, make me experience God and clear up all my reservations regarding Christianity... I would rather not debate my beliefs mentioned here, be told the things I was wrong about, or be told I'm making a mistake. This hasn't been a quick decision and I'm aware of the repercussions under Christian doctrine. In turn I will not try to talk anyone out of THEIR beliefs. I have also decided to not call myself an atheist, since that seems a little too absolute. I won't consider myself a Christian either though. Christianity still has a lot going for it in my mind so I can't dismiss it entirely. There are things about it that make it seem true, just too many that also make it seem false. It's my belief that if there was even one serious error in the Bible (making it fallible, I'm not talking about errancy) then it can't be considered true since a perfect God couldn't have created it. I just found too much that is or could be wrong to continue believing.
The next section of this statement is my evidence for abandoning my beliefs. Some of these are very weak arguments but, in my opinion, it builds a case of reasonable doubt. I included both potentially fatal Bible flaws and moral objections. I’m sure I could think of more but I will list just enough to be sufficient. This is in no particular order, just as they came to mind.
*The entire spiritual experience can be recreated by stimulating a certain part of the brain, it isn’t an unexplainable spiritual phenomenon.
*Every religion claims miracles. It is science, much like psychosomatic disorder and the placebo effect. Healing can occur from just believing you are going to be healed. This isn’t unique to Christianity.
*Morals exist outside of religion. People don't need a deity from which to derive their ethics. I'm aware this is arguable but it would require too much of my time to try to prove.
*I have a hard time understanding why God would require animal sacrifices. He said at least once that the smell of the blood pleased him. This seems barbaric, wasteful, and just generally unnecessary. If God wanted people to show their commitment, I would think there could be another way to do it.
*The Old Testament has ridiculous laws regarding cleanliness, most of which involve a period of impurity for a day or a week where you have to be isolated. This much resembles other tribal religions of the time.
*Many of the miracles in the Bible were already written about in other religions such as creation (the method of), the virgin birth, and the resurrection.
*The creation story is terribly flawed.
-Light was created before stars.
-The entire model of the Earth described is flat with waters surrounding it, with waters above and below, and a firmament dome… just like in many other religions of that period.
-There is evidence of there being two authors of Genesis.
-Almost all of the creation was written about in other religions beforehand and has a very mythological feel to it.
*The rough path to forming a canon of the Bible is also something to question. Some books were left out that were even quoted as scripture by Christians before the canon. Colossians, Ephesians, Timothy, Titus, and Hebrews are all books that show evidence that Paul wasn’t the author, especially Hebrews. Martin Luther didn’t feel the book of Revelations was divinely inspired either. Not that he is an expert or anything, but I did find that interesting.
*The Q theory of the Gospels. Not going to go into detail on it but it does bring up some questions.
*There is evidence of a rivalry between James the brother of Jesus and Paul. James had a much more Jewish outlook on Christianity and Jesus’s role in things. There is also evidence that he was the leader of the movement after Jesus’s crucifixion rather than Peter. Read James the Brother of Jesus
*Jesus reversed a lot of Old Testament law. Sure he is God and all and can take back his own laws, but why would he do that if they were correct to make in the first place?
*The dates the New Testament books were written. Paul’s were written before the Gospels and that always bothered me. Why didn’t the apostles write down their experiences sooner? Most dates given for the composition of the gospel of John are too late for him to still be alive.
*There is much evidence supporting the book of Mark originally ending at 16:8 and was later added to by a scribe. What other books could this have been done with?
*The Bible claims homosexuality is immoral. There is overwhelming evidence that we have no choice on our sexual preferences. It is the way a fetus develops that determines it. Many animals also show homosexual tendencies. Some even as high a rate as over 10%. I've done a lot of research on this and I can't see any way someone could argue that homosexuality is either a choice, a disease, or Satan at work. This alone would be a fatal flaw in the Bible since it does in fact condemn homosexuality.
*While women are different from men, they are in no way inferior as the Bible claims. It is scientifically proven that almost all the differences between men and women are culture based and both have all the same capabilities. This is something I have done a lot of research on and I can’t see how a Christian could ever justify a woman pastor or a woman in any governing position for that mater. This to me is exactly like defining someone's roll in society by their race.
*God has a tremendously violent nature in the Old Testament. Just a couple example of what seems to be completely unnecessary violence: 2 Kings 2:23-24 & Deuteronomy 3:3-6.
*There are many failed Bible prophecies. I’m aware some of those at that link can be easily explained but many I haven’t been able to find an answer to.
*God punishes people for their father’s mistakes. Numbers 14:18
*It is wrong to have your hair the incorrect length. One of the many absurdities I’ve found, figured I should list at least one of them. 1 Corinthians 11:14-15
*Is God capable of evil, hate and deception? I was always led to believe God was pure, kind, and incapable of anything but good. Malachi 1:3 - Judges 9:23 - 1 Samuel 16:14 - Ezekiel 20:25
*The story of Adam and Eve leads me to believe God doesn’t care about his creation. I’ve already said this before, but he put something capable of killing Adam and Eve right in front of them when they couldn’t have known what they were doing. On top of that, they were deceived into thinking it was ok yet were still eternally punished.
*Not believing in God is an eternal punishment. Our stay here on Earth is for a tiny amount of time yet what we do here determines our fate forever. This seems VERY extreme to me considering some people’s personalities just don’t have a strong spiritual component, like mine. Also some people get more exposure to the Gospel than others yet both are equally accountable. Our fathers here on Earth (the good ones anyway) would love us and never want harm to come to us no mater what we did wrong. It doesn’t seem crazy to me to want that from our heavenly father as well.
*I’m not going to get into it here since I’ve discussed it elsewhere, but there is evidence for predestination.
*If God were perfect, it seems he could have created a world where he didn’t need people to kill others (see Old Testament) to advance his kingdom or require his own son to be killed. I'm aware original sin did this to us (see Adam and Eve argument) but if our heavenly father truly loved us it seems like he could have planned out our redemption better. I'm not even blaming him for allowing evil to exist, just that he actually uses the "righteous" in the old testament to kill others to progress his kingdom. Sometimes even children are killed. How can people have a chance to accept God when they get cut down by him before their life is done?
*The concept that God works in mysterious ways. If something good happens to you then it is a blessing from God. If something bad happens to you it is because your faith isn't strong enough or you are going through a trial. No matter what happens, you can say it is because of God. Everyone has their ups and downs and it doesn't seem to matter if God is involved in their lives or not. There are no sure signs that I've ever seen that points to God as the influencing factor in a person's life. It can always just be explained in some other way (see my first two arguments).
*For a religion to be valid in my mind, the God to be worshiped must be without fault, be all-knowing, and want only what is good for his creation. If there was even one case where God hurt or killed someone for something that wasn’t their fault then I couldn’t trust him and therefore couldn’t worship him. The guidelines for a true religion could never be cryptic; especially considering your eternal fate depends on your accepting it. There could be no scientific impossibilities (outside of God created miracles) in the text. Before I can say “God says so so it must be true”, the one book that represents the religion must prove to me that it isn’t just fiction and the God is trustworthy. I just can no longer believe the Bible delivers on these things.
[Long Rambling paragraph]
---Dave and Tony, I know you said that us living together is where you needed to be spiritually... maybe that's true for a different reason now. If you still want to do a Bible study I would do it but you need to be aware of everything said above and my position on things. I don't want to lead you on thinking everything is fine. The purpose of attending for me would no longer be to get closer to God or fellowship, but to learn and possibly reconcile things for myself. I would also like to add that I hope you never think of me as the enemy. I have no intention of trying to convince anyone of anything but if someone asks me why I don't believe I am going to tell them. I have no wish to undermine your faith. In fact I hope it only gets stronger, as I wish I could be in your place as a believer. I also hope nothing changes between us since I am still the same person, nothing about me has changed other than I'm now being more honest with myself. My personality and morals will be the same as they always had been. This is already awkward enough for me admitting all this to you, since I know you thought of me as a strong Christian. So again I will say that I would rather not have my absence of faith debated unless you have some guaranteed way to convince me. I like to consider myself well informed so I know about every angle the above mentioned Bible "problems" can be argued. It's just that none of the refutations I've heard were plausible enough for me. But the biggest reason for this whole thing being written is this: I never experienced God. I prayed for Christ to come into my heart many times. I wanted it badly and I truly believed. Regardless, I never felt god was there and when I prayed to find God in my research.... I found nothing. No matter how strong my faith was and no matter what I did I still felt nothing. Its been unbelievably stressful for me but thats how it is.
---As I am editing this, the advertisement on the screen says: "What religion are you? Let the amazing Belief-o-matic guess! Belief-o-matic knows!" Either that is a strange coincidence or livejournal has gone the way of gmail and started reading the text people input and tailoring their ads to them.