Samhain
There's a lovely cold breeze blowing in through my open window. Today was a picture-perfect mid-fall day. Normally it's about this time that I get REALLY EXCITED form Samhain (I've always been a bit of a last-minute planner).
But this year... I just can't feel it and that makes me sad. It's not that my feelings about the holiday have changed. I still love the idea of it and I WISH I was excited about it. Unfortunately, all I feel is tired and stressed out. And yet... strangely content with life, so I know what I'm feeling isn't just a blanket depression.
I wish I knew what was up and why I'm not allowed to enjoy my favorite holiday this year.
Maybe it's because it's mostly an ancestor holiday and I ... don't have a very strong connection to my actual DNA-carrying ancestors (I can expound on that if you'd like but it involves a weird/slightly bad experience at a dumb supper a few Samhains back and has only been reinforced at the ancestor altar time and again). I know this is also new year, the last harvest, a time to make safe your assets for winter...
Despite being content with life right now I can't shake the feeling that everything's about to change or is still changing and that's why I'm not allowed to make with my autumnal nesting instincts. I wish I could get a better handle on it than that but I can't really until the universe gifts me with another puzzle piece. I guess I'll just wait and see.
...maybe I can talk the parents into a ceremonial hearth lighting on Saturday night, at least...
But this year... I just can't feel it and that makes me sad. It's not that my feelings about the holiday have changed. I still love the idea of it and I WISH I was excited about it. Unfortunately, all I feel is tired and stressed out. And yet... strangely content with life, so I know what I'm feeling isn't just a blanket depression.
I wish I knew what was up and why I'm not allowed to enjoy my favorite holiday this year.
Maybe it's because it's mostly an ancestor holiday and I ... don't have a very strong connection to my actual DNA-carrying ancestors (I can expound on that if you'd like but it involves a weird/slightly bad experience at a dumb supper a few Samhains back and has only been reinforced at the ancestor altar time and again). I know this is also new year, the last harvest, a time to make safe your assets for winter...
Despite being content with life right now I can't shake the feeling that everything's about to change or is still changing and that's why I'm not allowed to make with my autumnal nesting instincts. I wish I could get a better handle on it than that but I can't really until the universe gifts me with another puzzle piece. I guess I'll just wait and see.
...maybe I can talk the parents into a ceremonial hearth lighting on Saturday night, at least...