Opening Up
In an effort to put more than just a rundown of my month every once a month in my journal, let's try sharing (in the loving, passive-aggressive way that only I can).
I am so, so sick of finding my (female, high school) classmates on Facebook and seeing them with their married names and profile pics of their kids. It's certainly not their fault, and it's not my fault either, but I just have too much on my plate and in my brain right now to learn how to deal with the fact that my life is not following the well-worn path of my peers.
And I'm actually okay with that fact.
What I'm not OK with is the pressure I put on myself and the pressure I feel like society puts on me to conform to the marriage/house/kids lockstep. What I'm not OK with is not being OK with being me. What I'm not OK with is feeling like I am somehow a failure or somehow less than every girl I've ever known.
I'm actually pretty OK with my plan for the next 1-2 years (such as it is, waiting-lists and uncertainties notwithstanding). I'm remembering a little more each day how to be independent and finding some of the parts (ones I like) of myself I lost along the way from there to here.
But I cannot deal with that persistent, niggling little voice of "Failure as Woman!" that will not shut up and I'm really not OK with the fact that that voice exists at all.
I sort of have this hint of a feeling that if I ever sort out my paganism ("Not yet," says the little voice in my head, but the idea of it is always present in my thoughts, which means I just need to wait for the time to be right -- the way will be opened when it's time and not a moment before) I'll find some sort of harmony or balance with the concept of "Mother". Right now I feel like I'm wandering in those "lost years" between Maiden and Mother, a little of both but fully neither. Maybe finding Motherhood in a pagan sense will help take some of the wind out of the voice of my biological clock.
Now I'm going to go bang on a piano for an hour or two, followed by food and home in some order.
I am so, so sick of finding my (female, high school) classmates on Facebook and seeing them with their married names and profile pics of their kids. It's certainly not their fault, and it's not my fault either, but I just have too much on my plate and in my brain right now to learn how to deal with the fact that my life is not following the well-worn path of my peers.
And I'm actually okay with that fact.
What I'm not OK with is the pressure I put on myself and the pressure I feel like society puts on me to conform to the marriage/house/kids lockstep. What I'm not OK with is not being OK with being me. What I'm not OK with is feeling like I am somehow a failure or somehow less than every girl I've ever known.
I'm actually pretty OK with my plan for the next 1-2 years (such as it is, waiting-lists and uncertainties notwithstanding). I'm remembering a little more each day how to be independent and finding some of the parts (ones I like) of myself I lost along the way from there to here.
But I cannot deal with that persistent, niggling little voice of "Failure as Woman!" that will not shut up and I'm really not OK with the fact that that voice exists at all.
I sort of have this hint of a feeling that if I ever sort out my paganism ("Not yet," says the little voice in my head, but the idea of it is always present in my thoughts, which means I just need to wait for the time to be right -- the way will be opened when it's time and not a moment before) I'll find some sort of harmony or balance with the concept of "Mother". Right now I feel like I'm wandering in those "lost years" between Maiden and Mother, a little of both but fully neither. Maybe finding Motherhood in a pagan sense will help take some of the wind out of the voice of my biological clock.
Now I'm going to go bang on a piano for an hour or two, followed by food and home in some order.