(no subject)
Had a dream last night about riding a vespa/scooter/moped up into the mountains (State College?) and disappearing onto the road. Rode through neighborhoods of abandoned buildings, orange arc sodium lights, shadows, side streets, gas stations with too-bright lights, zombies behind the counter, too much soulless death, not enough space and silence, even in the forgotten places. So I tried to get away.
I didn't make it but I can't remember why.
Life is returning to order -- friends, outings, parties, projects, on my own and with lovers. But my dreams are still disturbed, troubled, filled with death, decay, disorder, fear, solace in decay and abandonment, comfort in... well, a few nights ago David and I were in hospice together, dying of... something. Curled on a chaise, watching TV, napping and whispering and filling time because maybe there wasn't a tomorrow. Bittersweet, but full and warm and soft. But when I dream of Hilary, always she's running, afraid, scared, in danger, always I chase after her, trying to find her, save her, bring her back where it is warm and safe. I never can. Sometimes she has night terrors and bad dreams. Those at least I can save her from with a soft voice, a gentle touch, an embrace, a hug. I wake her and stroke her back until she sleeps again. But in MY dreams... it's never so easy.
...damn. I meant to write about my two awesome weekends but I got distracted by my dreams of late. Ah well. Maybe the dreams are more telling than recent reality. Hrm.
I didn't make it but I can't remember why.
Life is returning to order -- friends, outings, parties, projects, on my own and with lovers. But my dreams are still disturbed, troubled, filled with death, decay, disorder, fear, solace in decay and abandonment, comfort in... well, a few nights ago David and I were in hospice together, dying of... something. Curled on a chaise, watching TV, napping and whispering and filling time because maybe there wasn't a tomorrow. Bittersweet, but full and warm and soft. But when I dream of Hilary, always she's running, afraid, scared, in danger, always I chase after her, trying to find her, save her, bring her back where it is warm and safe. I never can. Sometimes she has night terrors and bad dreams. Those at least I can save her from with a soft voice, a gentle touch, an embrace, a hug. I wake her and stroke her back until she sleeps again. But in MY dreams... it's never so easy.
...damn. I meant to write about my two awesome weekends but I got distracted by my dreams of late. Ah well. Maybe the dreams are more telling than recent reality. Hrm.