Dragging My Feet
I have the distinct sensation that I am speeding through life with the parking brake on.
Things are moving forward -- relationship, job, apartment hunt (sort of)... Everything is going. But I feel like I'm fighting every step of the way. Instead of going smoothly through all the gears I am fighting for every little bit of speed. It all feels like a struggle.
I don't even know what I'm struggling against. Myself? Others? Cosmic forces?
I feel dissociated and unsettled because I don't know quite what's going on. Everything should be smooth and it's not and I don't know why.
I spent a good 15 minutes on the floor of Elysa's office putting my spine back in something resembling alignment. I'm so tense that everything has pulled all out of square. Once again, I don't know why. I keep pulling back and looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing to cause myself so much pain and stress but I can't see anything. So I look around me and try to see who or what has me so worked up.
The only thing I come up with is the holding pattern I'm in right now as far as where I'll be living and who I'll be living with. I've been doing it for a while though, so there's no reason for it to have me cranked so tight now. Is there?
I know there probably aren't any easy answers, or maybe even any answers at all right now... But damn, I could use a day without pain, nausea, stress and exhaustion. Oddly enough I only seem to get those on Saturdays in State College. Go figure. :p
Life needs to change. I'm willing it so. I'm working for it. Unfortunately life has not yet gotten this memo. Soon though. One way or the other. Because I'm not going to live like this for the rest of the summer. I can't. I refuse.
Hopefully soon I'll have some better news to report.
Things are moving forward -- relationship, job, apartment hunt (sort of)... Everything is going. But I feel like I'm fighting every step of the way. Instead of going smoothly through all the gears I am fighting for every little bit of speed. It all feels like a struggle.
I don't even know what I'm struggling against. Myself? Others? Cosmic forces?
I feel dissociated and unsettled because I don't know quite what's going on. Everything should be smooth and it's not and I don't know why.
I spent a good 15 minutes on the floor of Elysa's office putting my spine back in something resembling alignment. I'm so tense that everything has pulled all out of square. Once again, I don't know why. I keep pulling back and looking at myself and wondering what I'm doing to cause myself so much pain and stress but I can't see anything. So I look around me and try to see who or what has me so worked up.
The only thing I come up with is the holding pattern I'm in right now as far as where I'll be living and who I'll be living with. I've been doing it for a while though, so there's no reason for it to have me cranked so tight now. Is there?
I know there probably aren't any easy answers, or maybe even any answers at all right now... But damn, I could use a day without pain, nausea, stress and exhaustion. Oddly enough I only seem to get those on Saturdays in State College. Go figure. :p
Life needs to change. I'm willing it so. I'm working for it. Unfortunately life has not yet gotten this memo. Soon though. One way or the other. Because I'm not going to live like this for the rest of the summer. I can't. I refuse.
Hopefully soon I'll have some better news to report.