The Other Side Of The Story
How can you be sure that you werent in love with being in love?
That awkwardness that always existed between us, the awkwardenss that we thought would go away, I think that was a sign that maybe we weren't meant to be together. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear...I just I don't know, did it feel completely right to you?
It isn't all or nothing in this life.
When I said those words I wasn't walking out of yor life forever Kirstin. I'm not like that. I am better than to do that to someone.
When I was about to say those words EVERYTHING went in slow motion. That is something that can not be understood by someone who hasn't felt it. Everything just seemed to stop. You were telling me something and I wasn't quite comprehending it which made me feel bad. But then I turned and told yo those words and I didn't know what was going to happen. I felt horrible about it, I didn't know what to do.
I am sorry that I left and got on the bus. I'm sorry. That was a stupid, jerky move. I was just scared if I didn't get on the bus who would be home to get me.
When I got on the bus I sat down and moved right up against the window. Nick was saying random shit to me about looking emo and I put in my headphones to block out the noise. I didn't know what to do I had no way to know if you were going to be alright. I texted anyone I knew that could be in the school. I finally got ahold of Emily and she was going to go look for you but she had to wait till after musical practice and that would be to late. I know you probably wouldnt have wanted to talk to her, but i needed to know.
Nothing else mattered to me until I knew you were safe.
At that point Melissa texted me and asked what had happened because she saw us in the hallway. I told her.
Your mother then texted me.
I had to tell your mother what had happened. That is an awful thing to have to do. But hey I guess that was my fault.
As soon as I got home I went into my room and was crying and had to explain to my brother what was going on. Then I just stared at my cell phone waiting for some kind of response that you were safe.
I texted melissa multiple times asking if she was with you and you were safe.
Finally I got a text saying she was with you in the car.
I asked again "is she safe?"
"No we were in a car accident"
At first I thought she was being serious then I sensed some kind of joke, and it really pissed me off.
I don't know if you were telling her to joke with me or not but i had been so determined to see that you were safe and you guys were joking, it just threw me off.
I am glad that Melissa decided to go to the school after I told her what happened.
I'm glad that intercom stopped you from hurting yourself even more than you were already hurt, because we both know that would have made everything worse.
Just please know, I am not a monster. I care about you, you are a good person.
Why does everything have to be all or nothing?
It doesn't have to be, and it isn't.
I understand that you are mad at me, and you have a right to be. But please try and see it from my side?
I'm not gonna up and forget the things we've shared, we are still going to hang and talk and be friends.
And I will ALWAYS read your blog. It is important to me.
And I love how you write.
I am sorry that I fucked everything up. I am sorry.
I am not going anywhere though, you can be certain of that.