A leaf in the wind
{From the handwritten journal 26 March 2012}
I feel like a leaf in the wind. Sometimes the experience of that is beautiful and joyful and pleasant. And sometimes it is constricting, frustrating, despairing, and hopeless. Sometimes I feel alive. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting to live.
But this is the cost of freedom, is it not? To be truly free, in one sense of that word, is to be an outcast.
The freedom from the bindings of living and being an active part in society means losing the means to easily move about, do things, obtain what takes care of one's needs, and so forth. Of course, in a way, I will never truly be freed from the bindings and expectations of society because I have debts I will never be able to pay, and even now, I've acquired some sort of negative status because, in hopeless despair, I simply stopped paying any bills because I have no money. I also have no assets of any kind, so there is nothing that can be taken away from me. But it does leave me in quite a challenging position. Such is the cost of freeing myself from the bonds of society.
But it was not entirely my choice. I made a decision, given what I had.
And one thing I have had for a long time, and been given again and again, is the experience of being so different, so abnormal, so idiosyncratic and eccentric, that I simply cannot fit into society anywhere in any way. I have tried, all my life I've tried, but I have only failed time and time again. I ask myself everyday, what does it mean? What am I supposed to do? What does one do when he finds himself unable to be part of your society?
They are all around you: they are homeless.
In many cases, that is what they end up doing, not by choice, but because there is no other option. You don't see it that way, you see lots of options, but that is because you look with a different pair of eyes. In some places in the world, the options women have are significantly less in number than those that men have, so that in some circumstances, there is only one option. Now, that you can see, because the restrictions are actually organized into an aspect of the culture and society, and you can see it because being a woman, being female, is something physically visible. Take away the systematized restrictions and make them rather something that is experienced individually; they are not an explicit and organized aspect of the culture and society, but instead are experienced in a variety of ways living and navigating as an individual in that culture and society, interacting with others and with society. And take away the physically visible features of a person that make him so restricted. Now do you see? When "the problem" is that your mind works so different from what is expected and so required to really live and navigate through society, that is what it is like.
Perhaps a better metaphor is this: imagine being in a foreign country, and you don't know the customs, you don't know the language, even the alphabet is different, but you look no different from any of the natives. Now, after being there a couple of weeks, you'd learn a little of the language and a little of the customs. But imagine being perpetually at that stage and having to live in that country like that the rest of your life. And imagine that only a very small percentage of the population speaks enough of your language to understand some of what you say; and a little bit larger percentage knows a few words. That it is what it is like.
It's not a simple as just taking some options that are intended to be available to help the homeless. For some, it's not a matter of simply giving them a jump start. They didn't start there, they got there, sometime because in one way or another, they just could not navigate through society as it is structured. And understanding that, understanding how they got there, is much harder, I think, than most people think. The explanation is more complex than most people want to allow. Because life is more complex than most people want to allow. And people are more complex than most people want to allow, some much more than others.
So what does a person do when he discovers he is such a person who cannot fit into society, into that structure, those expectations?
The thing is, how many people actually do fit into that structure, those expectations? From my abnormal and idiosyncratic, eccentric perspective, fewer and fewer, it seems. The demands are harder and harder to meet. Why do you think people need so many distractions? And of course, the distractions only compromise one's ability to meet the demands.
Of course, it must be noted that there are several different ways one can fail to fit into the societal structure, and most people don't fail to fit in such a way that makes them outcasts. Nonetheless, if people who ought to otherwise be able to fit fail to do so, in one way or another, then in the very least, it shows something has gone terribly wrong - or a lot of things.
But some will never fit, will always be outcast. Then what? To be an outcast is to be free. Then one can do any number of things he could not do were he bound to society. But try to do as you please when your freedom cuts off access to the resources you need even just to survive, let alone do things you want.
With freedom also comes the weight of deciding for yourself how to live, how to be, where to direct one's attention, what do with one's time, what to value, what to believe.
All of these wandering thoughts that pass through my mind almost daily make living on Waldron a deeply fascinating philosophical adventure. For here, here are people who live to one degree or another freed from the bindings of society, some much less than others, some much more so than others. For some it was a choice, and for some it was the only option - or perhaps, the only acceptable option given what they had to choose from. And there are a variety between those two extremes.
I could not have predicted I would meet and interact with and live amongst these people here with whom I do interact and do live amongst, however rarely I see most of them, since I so rarely go out. All of this has so radically shifted my life that, as I began this entry, I feel as a leaf in the wind. It is both a carefree comfort and a terrifying trip into the unknown. I don't know what will happen to me and sometimes it scares me to death, while at the same time the people here I have begun to get to know have at times made me feel that they won't let me fall away into the abyss and they will try to help. But they barely know me and I don't deserve such help. The only reason I was able to afford this month's medication is because a friend of the Captain's, the Old Hippie Handyman, told me, "Don't worry, we got you covered," and then shoved $50 into my hand. The generosity and kindness, the move to care, nearly brought tears to my eyes, and the words 'thank you' could never be enough to match his gesture. I wish that I give in return, but I haven't the slightest idea what I could offer the man. It feels so undeserving, but the thing is, I know that's how it is here. Well, at least, it was. It still is, but perhaps it seems only with respect to the older generation.
The Captain and the Old Hippie Handyman were talking about that the other day, how different this newer generation is. It used to be that Waldronites usually had their own way of doing things, or building things, or whatever, because of how detached from society they were. Limited access to resources, as well as the challenges of doing things by the book and getting it checked and approved meant that most felt, to hell with "by the book", and they made up their own ways of doing things with what limited resources they had available. But apparently, the Old Hippie Handyman was saying, this younger generation has a need for more "toys" and for doing it all by the book. Is it perhaps because we have overcome geographical detachment, so that one does not really have to fully commit to total detachment? One can embrace the idea and lifestyle of being detached, freed from society, isolated, without fully having to let go of a connection to society, that small sense of comfort for some connection. Is that it? Or is it fear? Because one is still connected to society, not out of some desire or comfort, but because one feels he can't be fully detached, for one reason or another? In other words, because he is not free from society, but still bound in some ways? And willingly so, because the beliefs and values of society have be so embedded into his mind that he binds himself still to society in these few ways, whatever they are, because he believes so strongly, is convinced he cannot let go of those things. If he is so convinced, then he is not really free.
But it does make for quite a difference between the generations. The Captain agreed, and mentioned that people are starting to lock their doors, even just having a door with a lock is a change. (With a few exceptions, obviously.) It represents a huge change in attitude and perspective, and how people look at each other, treat each other, feel about each other. A lock on a door can put more distance and separation between two people in the same house than between to people a mile apart who have no locks on their doors. If this really is a trend, then the question is, what will it do to the community. For the community has always been mostly very close, very tightly knot, because they had to be if they were going to survive, and so have always helped each other out...
/journal entry
I meant to go back and finish my thoughts, but still have yet to do so.
I feel like a leaf in the wind. Sometimes the experience of that is beautiful and joyful and pleasant. And sometimes it is constricting, frustrating, despairing, and hopeless. Sometimes I feel alive. Sometimes I feel like I am waiting to live.
But this is the cost of freedom, is it not? To be truly free, in one sense of that word, is to be an outcast.
The freedom from the bindings of living and being an active part in society means losing the means to easily move about, do things, obtain what takes care of one's needs, and so forth. Of course, in a way, I will never truly be freed from the bindings and expectations of society because I have debts I will never be able to pay, and even now, I've acquired some sort of negative status because, in hopeless despair, I simply stopped paying any bills because I have no money. I also have no assets of any kind, so there is nothing that can be taken away from me. But it does leave me in quite a challenging position. Such is the cost of freeing myself from the bonds of society.
But it was not entirely my choice. I made a decision, given what I had.
And one thing I have had for a long time, and been given again and again, is the experience of being so different, so abnormal, so idiosyncratic and eccentric, that I simply cannot fit into society anywhere in any way. I have tried, all my life I've tried, but I have only failed time and time again. I ask myself everyday, what does it mean? What am I supposed to do? What does one do when he finds himself unable to be part of your society?
They are all around you: they are homeless.
In many cases, that is what they end up doing, not by choice, but because there is no other option. You don't see it that way, you see lots of options, but that is because you look with a different pair of eyes. In some places in the world, the options women have are significantly less in number than those that men have, so that in some circumstances, there is only one option. Now, that you can see, because the restrictions are actually organized into an aspect of the culture and society, and you can see it because being a woman, being female, is something physically visible. Take away the systematized restrictions and make them rather something that is experienced individually; they are not an explicit and organized aspect of the culture and society, but instead are experienced in a variety of ways living and navigating as an individual in that culture and society, interacting with others and with society. And take away the physically visible features of a person that make him so restricted. Now do you see? When "the problem" is that your mind works so different from what is expected and so required to really live and navigate through society, that is what it is like.
Perhaps a better metaphor is this: imagine being in a foreign country, and you don't know the customs, you don't know the language, even the alphabet is different, but you look no different from any of the natives. Now, after being there a couple of weeks, you'd learn a little of the language and a little of the customs. But imagine being perpetually at that stage and having to live in that country like that the rest of your life. And imagine that only a very small percentage of the population speaks enough of your language to understand some of what you say; and a little bit larger percentage knows a few words. That it is what it is like.
It's not a simple as just taking some options that are intended to be available to help the homeless. For some, it's not a matter of simply giving them a jump start. They didn't start there, they got there, sometime because in one way or another, they just could not navigate through society as it is structured. And understanding that, understanding how they got there, is much harder, I think, than most people think. The explanation is more complex than most people want to allow. Because life is more complex than most people want to allow. And people are more complex than most people want to allow, some much more than others.
So what does a person do when he discovers he is such a person who cannot fit into society, into that structure, those expectations?
The thing is, how many people actually do fit into that structure, those expectations? From my abnormal and idiosyncratic, eccentric perspective, fewer and fewer, it seems. The demands are harder and harder to meet. Why do you think people need so many distractions? And of course, the distractions only compromise one's ability to meet the demands.
Of course, it must be noted that there are several different ways one can fail to fit into the societal structure, and most people don't fail to fit in such a way that makes them outcasts. Nonetheless, if people who ought to otherwise be able to fit fail to do so, in one way or another, then in the very least, it shows something has gone terribly wrong - or a lot of things.
But some will never fit, will always be outcast. Then what? To be an outcast is to be free. Then one can do any number of things he could not do were he bound to society. But try to do as you please when your freedom cuts off access to the resources you need even just to survive, let alone do things you want.
With freedom also comes the weight of deciding for yourself how to live, how to be, where to direct one's attention, what do with one's time, what to value, what to believe.
All of these wandering thoughts that pass through my mind almost daily make living on Waldron a deeply fascinating philosophical adventure. For here, here are people who live to one degree or another freed from the bindings of society, some much less than others, some much more so than others. For some it was a choice, and for some it was the only option - or perhaps, the only acceptable option given what they had to choose from. And there are a variety between those two extremes.
I could not have predicted I would meet and interact with and live amongst these people here with whom I do interact and do live amongst, however rarely I see most of them, since I so rarely go out. All of this has so radically shifted my life that, as I began this entry, I feel as a leaf in the wind. It is both a carefree comfort and a terrifying trip into the unknown. I don't know what will happen to me and sometimes it scares me to death, while at the same time the people here I have begun to get to know have at times made me feel that they won't let me fall away into the abyss and they will try to help. But they barely know me and I don't deserve such help. The only reason I was able to afford this month's medication is because a friend of the Captain's, the Old Hippie Handyman, told me, "Don't worry, we got you covered," and then shoved $50 into my hand. The generosity and kindness, the move to care, nearly brought tears to my eyes, and the words 'thank you' could never be enough to match his gesture. I wish that I give in return, but I haven't the slightest idea what I could offer the man. It feels so undeserving, but the thing is, I know that's how it is here. Well, at least, it was. It still is, but perhaps it seems only with respect to the older generation.
The Captain and the Old Hippie Handyman were talking about that the other day, how different this newer generation is. It used to be that Waldronites usually had their own way of doing things, or building things, or whatever, because of how detached from society they were. Limited access to resources, as well as the challenges of doing things by the book and getting it checked and approved meant that most felt, to hell with "by the book", and they made up their own ways of doing things with what limited resources they had available. But apparently, the Old Hippie Handyman was saying, this younger generation has a need for more "toys" and for doing it all by the book. Is it perhaps because we have overcome geographical detachment, so that one does not really have to fully commit to total detachment? One can embrace the idea and lifestyle of being detached, freed from society, isolated, without fully having to let go of a connection to society, that small sense of comfort for some connection. Is that it? Or is it fear? Because one is still connected to society, not out of some desire or comfort, but because one feels he can't be fully detached, for one reason or another? In other words, because he is not free from society, but still bound in some ways? And willingly so, because the beliefs and values of society have be so embedded into his mind that he binds himself still to society in these few ways, whatever they are, because he believes so strongly, is convinced he cannot let go of those things. If he is so convinced, then he is not really free.
But it does make for quite a difference between the generations. The Captain agreed, and mentioned that people are starting to lock their doors, even just having a door with a lock is a change. (With a few exceptions, obviously.) It represents a huge change in attitude and perspective, and how people look at each other, treat each other, feel about each other. A lock on a door can put more distance and separation between two people in the same house than between to people a mile apart who have no locks on their doors. If this really is a trend, then the question is, what will it do to the community. For the community has always been mostly very close, very tightly knot, because they had to be if they were going to survive, and so have always helped each other out...
/journal entry
I meant to go back and finish my thoughts, but still have yet to do so.