(no subject)
Nathan,
Remember the metaphor for love that I came up with? About how the heart is this garden, and we're born with all these different flowers already growing in it? And how these flowers, the ones your born with, they're your family and so you really have no choice in just plain loving them. And love, romantic love, is different because this particular flower you had to go out and buy the seeds for, and then you have to plant those seeds and take care of the little plant while it grows. I guess I was trying to make the distinction that in romantic love we at least have a choice of creating an environment where love can grow and thrive as opposed to family love that to me is just blind unfaltering loyalty.
I was wrong, I think. You don't feel like a choice I made. Somehow my feelings for you have taken over to the point of robbing me of my reason. You're not some beautiful flower in my heart. You've turned instead into this weed, and your roots are so deep in me that their sucking up everything I have. What little I have.
This isn't your fault. You've tried plenty of times to leave me but I've just been to blind to see that you were right. You can't give me what I want, but I've dragged this on for so long that I've gotten to the point where I feel guilty and horrible for the things I want. I can't look at myself withought feeling selfish. I hate that I've turned you into a victim and that I've become some monstrous emotionally abusive creature. More than anything it hurts so much to call myself these things for wanting things that were not unreasonable. I've twisted myself around so much to be what I think will finally gain me your acceptance that now I absolutely hate myself. I can't be alone with myself. You ignore me with so much ease that I find myself wishing I could just disappear so that even I wouldn't have to deal or look or feel myself.
I thought this was beautiful. I thought that you were the person who would help me be a better person, that we would be two separate forces bouncing energy off of each other. I'm not a force anymore, I've dissipated to this shell with only self loathing left inside. And it's all my fault. This isn't beautiful, it's horrible and cruel.
I've hit bottom. I'm doing things I know are self destructive. But now there's no where to go but back up. But I won't be able to do that with you in my life. You're a constant reminder that to the person I most love, I myself am not worth loving. Admiration is my second strongest feeling for you, and so you've been the best example of how I should shut myself out, of how my vulnerability is something that should be shunned. That the way I feel things makes me a problem not worth dealing with.
I have to pull you out of my heart, roots and all. I will always love myself, but I really need to find a way to like myself again. And with you in my life, I'm afraid it won't be possible.
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