(no subject)
I keep waiting for a sign. I keep praying for it.
A few days ago I had a dream within a dream. In my dream I was asleep, and as I slept (in my dream) I was having a nightmare. I was aware that the nightmare was a dream, but not that the fact that I was having it within another dream. In my dream i was in the same position that i had fallen asleep in, flat on my back. I was sleeping but aware of things. And as I lay there paralyzed I began to think of the possibility of there bring an earthquake. I've often experienced that strange paralyzation, when your body is still asleep but your mind isn't. There's always a fraction of a second of sheer panic before I remind myself it's temporary and I can eventually get control of my body again. But in my dream i couldn't control the panic. The room started to shake, I felt my body swaying, rocking back and forth. I hear an ambulance and the children from the school down the street screaming. I wanted to wake up, to call everyone and make sure they were ok. I couldn't move. I heard the front door open, I knew it was Nathan. Although i couldn't open my eyes i could see him standing at the door looking at me. I tried so hard to move to say something--to show him I was distressed so that he would wake me, so that he'd help me. The most vivid part of my dream was the sensation of my consciousness beating against my body trying to make it move. But I failed and he turned and left me. I felt incredibly disappointed that I had failed, because it felt like a failure, at having communicated my distress and me need for help. When I woke up I was incredibly disoriented, and then sad when I realized Nathan wasn't there.
I prayed that God would give me a sign, give me a clear answer...God has a sense of humor, and it's very elegant.
What do you make of my dream? Nathan asked not to hear about my dreams anymore because of my lack of interest in seeking some sort of interpretation--he's a big Freud fan (did I spell that right?). Well, I'm interested now, but he didn't show much interest when I told him about it.
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