Living Without You (3)
Title: Living Without You
Author: syn2554
Pairings: Duseung
Rating: NC - 17
Summary: Dujun is a normal guy with a normal job, but he has an addiction... one that seems to follow him no matter where he goes.
Warnings: Heavy smut, slight swearing, angsty as all hell.
Author's Notes: IDEK this was a random idea I had. (Un-Beta’d. Entirely). 12,709 words. What a terribly uneven number D: Enjoy?
I didn’t quite sit up, but I felt myself jump as consciousness hit me like a slap. I breathed hard from shock. It had been a little over a week since Hyunseung had come back into my life, and I thought I might be actually getting used to him. He even got comfortable enough to call me Hyung instead of Hyun-nim, and even though I didn’t directly give him permission to talk down, it didn’t bother me. I talked down to Jina Nuna, so I didn’t want him to feel put out.
Apparently, with thoughts like this, I was still in love with him. Were it a strange boy I’d never met before, maybe I would have been stricter. Who am I kidding; I would have been a heap stricter. It only took a few days for Hyunseung to become like a dongsaeng (only, I don’t think I would have had quite the same feelings for a dongsaeng). Nuna seemed glad that I wasn’t shunning him like for the first two days.
How I was handling it was beyond me. Maybe it was the knowledge that the young, delicate, underprivileged boy that I had loved so strongly was finally safe and sound. Maybe I just had grown up enough to accept that we had a different relationship and that of three years ago, and I saw him differently. I couldn’t pin-point what changed, but when I went to sleep, my dreams would remind me of how it used to be, and I felt so utterly shamed to the point where I would avoid Hyunseung for as much as the first few hours after waking. I had never had breakfast with him since the first day, and my excuse was that I liked to miss breakfast.
No excuse could have been more stupid when your Nuna is a doctor. Boy did she go off when I said it. I wished Hyunseung hadn’t asked, or at least that she hadn’t been in the room. I didn’t miss Hyunseung’s grin while she scolded me, nor did he miss my quick and immature ‘merong’ while Nuna wasn’t looking.
There was something between Hyunseung and I that was like friendship, but there was also a wall - one on my part and one on his. It was good that that wall was there, because it kept me at an appropriate distance from him. It was times like these, however, when I had just awoken from one of those dreams, that I wondered if I really was over him - if I really could ever just think of him as a friend. It also made me hope that he would soon find somewhere else to go.
When I got up that day, a Sunday, I decided to brave breakfast, mostly because Nuna had threatened me if I didn’t show up. Hyunseung glanced at me when I came down the hall and his eyes widened and lit up. I raised my eyebrows in acknowledgment, but did little more than force a tiny smile and look away from him and searched for Nuna. While my eyes moved from his, I saw nothing but flashes of his round doe-eyes while his sweat-drenched fringe dangled over them as he rocked in front of me. I blinked a few times before seeing Nuna.
“Hyung!” said Hyunseung from a slightly filled mouth.
“I’m glad you decided to make an appearance,” she said in a familiar tone.
“Ooh, kimbap; so am I,” I said to mask my nervousness.
“Did you sleep well, Hyung?”
“Kwaenchana, komawo,” I said, forcing another glance at Hyunseung. He was too cute when his eyes were lit up like that - like when he used to see how much I enjoyed his touch. I couldn’t stop myself from making links between him then and him now, which didn’t normally happen.
He hadn’t fixed his hair and he still wore light, loose cotton pyjamas that Nuna had bought him, despite his protests. She said she wanted to, because there weren’t any girls’ pyjamas that cute and she wanted them. He argued that I could wear them, and took it back when he saw my look. I wouldn’t be seen dead in baby-blue and white with purple chibi dinosaurs.
Despite the bubbly conversation between Jina and Hyunseung, I ate in silence, trying not to think about anything but what was in front of me. I couldn’t eat much since my body was in the routine of eating at around ten, not eight, and, well... I felt a little woozy at being near Hyunseung like I had expected I would if I ate with him at breakfast.
There was nothing much to do that day except Nuna’s short three hour shift in the evening, so for the day, we went for a drive to the park to go for a walk and get some fresh air and exercise. It was midday before I realised I was still a little awkward around Hyunseung. Normally, it was gone by the time I left for work, but today I was still skipping his eyes and avoiding walking beside him like he was some sort of weirdo. I knew it was because I had to face him while the memories of my dream were still fresh in my mind.
After a short lunch of sandwiches Nuna had packed and then a few more rounds of the huge water-features, we headed home so that Nuna could prepare for work. Hyunseung didn’t seem to mind riding in the back of the car, but it made me shift that he sat in the middle and always had a hand on the shoulder of my seat and the shoulder of Nuna’s. Her car was huge, but he had to be so close to us that he was practically sitting on the centre consol.
“That can’t be safe,” I said when I finally had enough of swooning over the feeling of his breath on my arm. I didn’t look directly at him, but I could see he was looking at me. I imagined his expression and hated myself. He sat back slowly.
“Mianhamnida,” he said quietly. I clenched my teeth tightly and ignored the daggers Nuna threw at me. Hyunseung - in fact, the whole car - was silent for the rest of the trip. After a little over a week of Hyunseung-ridden car rides, the silence was alien to me. When we got out and Hyunseung headed up to the house, Nuna threw him the keys. He thanked her as he climbed the stairs. I looked at her, knowing she was going to say something. She just stared over the roof of her tangerine Subaru.
“Mwo?” I finally said, agonised by the tension.
“Don’t ‘mwo’ me, Dujun; you know ‘mwo.’ Why did you have to snap at him like that?”
“It didn’t seem safe!”
“Oh, come off it! Are you jealous of him? Do you still...?” she lowered her voice then. “Do you still love him?” I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to refuse everything and go hide under my bed covers. I clenched and unclenched my fists and dropped my eyes from hers. She sighed and I looked at her again. “Why can’t you see that he idolises you?” I felt my brows pinch in the middle. “Can’t you see that?” I blinked and looked away again, searching the nothingness in front of me for a slight grasp of understanding. “Why won’t you tell him? Are you too embarrassed about your past?”
“Nuna, don’t,” I said in a final tone. She looked almost sympathetically at me. “I can’t deal with this right now. Stay out of it.” She watched me as I walked up to the house, and followed soon after. More to avoid her than Hyunseung, I ducked into the bathroom and retreated into a hot shower.
I stayed in my room until Nuna left dressing in my pyjamas since I didn’t plan to come out until dinner. I didn’t realise I’d fallen asleep until I woke with a start a little after dark. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I felt a little groggy until I bent over to crawl to the other side of the bed and felt a very deplorable, unwelcome hardness hindering me. I sat back in shock and stared at nothing. I tried to clear my mind and calm down, but when I looked around for something to take my mind off it, my eyes fell on my wallet.
Bad. No. Down boy. Bad Dujun. Very bad. Leave the wallet. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad Dujun.
I couldn’t help it. It really, really couldn’t be helped.
I leapt off the bed and took my wallet as I trotted out of my room. A freshly-showered Hyunseung sat on Nuna’s only couch while reading a magazine, and his light tank top left a pair of delectable arms bare and very, very beautiful. I swallowed as I walked up to him. He made to look up, but something on the page made his eyes stay. He jumped when I dropped my wallet on his lap. His eyes found mine with a short moment of confusion, but that look was lost quickly.
He put the magazine down and lifted my wallet. He opened it. As his fingers flicked past notes, I counted by colours, translating them to numbers in my head.
Ten thousand, ten thousand, twenty thousand, five thousand, five thousand.
When he pulled those notes out, he looked up at me and slowly stood. He handed me my wallet and, still holding my eyes, stepped past me. I knew, from the second he realised what I wanted, that his look changed; his whole expression changed. He was suddenly that boy again - the whore. I gulped quietly when he passed me and broke the stare, and I followed him into my room.
I didn’t think he’d ever been in there before and I didn’t miss his glance around. He placed the fifty-thousand won on my dresser and pulled his tank top off with such a swift, graceful movement that it alone excited me. That was before I saw his sculpted back. I felt as though the sudden painful build-up of saliva in my mouth might just leak out, so I swallowed it.
I almost moaned when he turned around and dropped his top to the floor.
He had a stomach instead of a scary hollow. I couldn’t see his ribs. His pects had filled out. He had abs. The previous shocks were nothing compared to this. I didn’t look away until I noticed him tilt his head in a familiar, confident way. My jaw trembled as I dragged my eyes up to meet his. I stepped closer and he reached out with one hand. He pulled me as he walked backwards and fell onto my bed.
Before I had a chance to register that I was on my hands and knees over him, his hand closed on my crotch. I cried out like he’d been at me for some time already, but I realised it was because the hardness had gone unattended-to for a little too long, and was now tender and a little mad at me.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” Hyunseung mumbled, grinning up at me. I was taken completely off-guard by this new Hyunseung, or rather, the old Hyunseung. I was used to his shy, friendly self, but I remembered his facade then; I remembered how he used to act cool, sexy, and smooth. I remembered how it always turned me on, no matter how unlikely it was that it was his usual personality. Now that I knew what he was really like, it shocked me to my core.
While panting hard, I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself - at this rate I would come simply from excitement. Hyunseung’s long fingers slid up my shirt and ran gently over my nipples. I opened my eyes as he grabbed my shoulders - his hands still in my shirt - and flipped me onto my back. Straddling me, he dropped his mouth to my chest, and suddenly, it was very, very real.
Unlike the times when I had to endure his tantalising presence during the last week, my lust for him didn’t need to be fuelled by flashbacks - he was here again, just like before. So real, so warm, so soft, and so much healthier. I didn’t think I could ever be as happy as I was right then.
As he sat up, his fingers trailing down my front, he caught my eyes again, and I noticed that put-on look wasn’t quite as strong. It was like the wall he built between us for this very experience was much less prominent, maybe because we were friends now, and he knew me as his Hyung, and not just a customer. It was almost scary the way he could unhinge me completely just by looking at me, to the point where I was in another world trying to decipher his almost affectionate smile. I managed to completely miss him stripping himself of his bottom half, but I came back to my senses when he slowly dragged my pyjama pants and shorts down.
I helped him, and dropped them to the floor. Usually, they would barely make it past my knees, but... usually was referring to three years ago. Since some aspects of this encounter seemed different, I wanted everything to be different. When he looked up at me in surprise, I sat up slightly and pulled my shirt over my head. His face looked more shocked than I expected, but he hid it quickly, the corner of his lips quirking up as his eyes wandered down my bare body.
I breathed hard from the adrenaline in my body. It made me sweat and shake. It made me almost incapable of sitting still. I felt myself stiffen when Hyunseung crawled towards me and shoved me back on the bed again. He looked down my body, his eyes stopping at my (furiously excited) crotch, and I was entirely sure he hesitated before reaching down to it. That was very much unexpected in Hyunseung. Usually, his confidence was the sexiest thing about him and he had it in bundles; but not this time.
His guard was down. I was convinced that he was a little out of practice, and obviously feeling a little awkwardness - maybe even nervousness - at continuing this with someone he knew more personally. I didn’t, however, think I was feeling that at all. Three years ago, I felt affection for him, I felt sympathy, and I felt like I wanted him to stay with me forever. Now... nothing had changed, except that I didn’t have to feel sympathy anymore, and he seemed to be happy to be close to me.
Thoughts were a little hard to process, however, when his fingers tightened themselves around my cock and tested how hard I really was. I couldn’t muffle a loud groan of annoyance at how close I had let myself get. I heard Hyunseung’s breath as he smiled.
“We need to get you wrapped before you explode in my face.” I suddenly gulped. Condoms. Shit.
“Uuuhh...” I moaned, half in agonising frustration, half in pleasure at the gentle stroking of his absent fingers.
“Don’t tell me you’re fresh out...” he said, his expression changing. I swallowed as I looked at him though half-lidded eyes. He put on a slightly irritated face.
“I’m clean, I swear,” I said, making an attempt to sit up.
“What if I’m not?” he said, his expression changing. I swallowed, realising he’d been worrying about me and not himself. A shuddering breath passed my lips.
“I don’t care,” I said, not entirely sure if I meant it, but damn sure I wanted to be inside him right now more than to wake up tomorrow morning. His mocha gaze held mine for a little longer before he dipped his head, and I had to cover my mouth to catch the scream when my very erect manhood slid right to the back of his throat. I didn’t quite sit up, but I felt myself jump as consciousness hit me like a slap. I breathed hard from shock. It had been a little over a week since Hyunseung had come back into my life, and I thought I might be actually getting used to him. He even got comfortable enough to call me Hyung instead of Hyun-nim, and even though I didn’t directly give him permission to talk down, it didn’t bother me. I talked down to Jina Nuna, so I didn’t want him to feel put out.
Apparently, with thoughts like this, I was still in love with him. Were it a strange boy I’d never met before, maybe I would have been stricter. Who am I kidding; I would have been a heap stricter. It only took a few days for Hyunseung to become like a dongsaeng (only, I don’t think I would have had quite the same feelings for a dongsaeng). Nuna seemed glad that I wasn’t shunning him like for the first two days.
How I was handling it was beyond me. Maybe it was the knowledge that the young, delicate, underprivileged boy that I had loved so strongly was finally safe and sound. Maybe I just had grown up enough to accept that we had a different relationship and that of three years ago, and I saw him differently. I couldn’t pin-point what changed, but when I went to sleep, my dreams would remind me of how it used to be, and I felt so utterly shamed to the point where I would avoid Hyunseung for as much as the first few hours after waking. I had never had breakfast with him since the first day, and my excuse was that I liked to miss breakfast.
No excuse could have been more stupid when your Nuna is a doctor. Boy did she go off when I said it. I wished Hyunseung hadn’t asked, or at least that she hadn’t been in the room. I didn’t miss Hyunseung’s grin while she scolded me, nor did he miss my quick and immature ‘merong’ while Nuna wasn’t looking.
There was something between Hyunseung and I that was like friendship, but there was also a wall - one on my part and one on his. It was good that that wall was there, because it kept me at an appropriate distance from him. It was times like these, however, when I had just awoken from one of those dreams, that I wondered if I really was over him - if I really could ever just think of him as a friend. It also made me hope that he would soon find somewhere else to go.
EDIT: Thanks natsukinon for telling me about the error, lol. <3
Author: syn2554
Pairings: Duseung
Rating: NC - 17
Summary: Dujun is a normal guy with a normal job, but he has an addiction... one that seems to follow him no matter where he goes.
Warnings: Heavy smut, slight swearing, angsty as all hell.
Author's Notes: IDEK this was a random idea I had. (Un-Beta’d. Entirely). 12,709 words. What a terribly uneven number D: Enjoy?
I didn’t quite sit up, but I felt myself jump as consciousness hit me like a slap. I breathed hard from shock. It had been a little over a week since Hyunseung had come back into my life, and I thought I might be actually getting used to him. He even got comfortable enough to call me Hyung instead of Hyun-nim, and even though I didn’t directly give him permission to talk down, it didn’t bother me. I talked down to Jina Nuna, so I didn’t want him to feel put out.
Apparently, with thoughts like this, I was still in love with him. Were it a strange boy I’d never met before, maybe I would have been stricter. Who am I kidding; I would have been a heap stricter. It only took a few days for Hyunseung to become like a dongsaeng (only, I don’t think I would have had quite the same feelings for a dongsaeng). Nuna seemed glad that I wasn’t shunning him like for the first two days.
How I was handling it was beyond me. Maybe it was the knowledge that the young, delicate, underprivileged boy that I had loved so strongly was finally safe and sound. Maybe I just had grown up enough to accept that we had a different relationship and that of three years ago, and I saw him differently. I couldn’t pin-point what changed, but when I went to sleep, my dreams would remind me of how it used to be, and I felt so utterly shamed to the point where I would avoid Hyunseung for as much as the first few hours after waking. I had never had breakfast with him since the first day, and my excuse was that I liked to miss breakfast.
No excuse could have been more stupid when your Nuna is a doctor. Boy did she go off when I said it. I wished Hyunseung hadn’t asked, or at least that she hadn’t been in the room. I didn’t miss Hyunseung’s grin while she scolded me, nor did he miss my quick and immature ‘merong’ while Nuna wasn’t looking.
There was something between Hyunseung and I that was like friendship, but there was also a wall - one on my part and one on his. It was good that that wall was there, because it kept me at an appropriate distance from him. It was times like these, however, when I had just awoken from one of those dreams, that I wondered if I really was over him - if I really could ever just think of him as a friend. It also made me hope that he would soon find somewhere else to go.
When I got up that day, a Sunday, I decided to brave breakfast, mostly because Nuna had threatened me if I didn’t show up. Hyunseung glanced at me when I came down the hall and his eyes widened and lit up. I raised my eyebrows in acknowledgment, but did little more than force a tiny smile and look away from him and searched for Nuna. While my eyes moved from his, I saw nothing but flashes of his round doe-eyes while his sweat-drenched fringe dangled over them as he rocked in front of me. I blinked a few times before seeing Nuna.
“Hyung!” said Hyunseung from a slightly filled mouth.
“I’m glad you decided to make an appearance,” she said in a familiar tone.
“Ooh, kimbap; so am I,” I said to mask my nervousness.
“Did you sleep well, Hyung?”
“Kwaenchana, komawo,” I said, forcing another glance at Hyunseung. He was too cute when his eyes were lit up like that - like when he used to see how much I enjoyed his touch. I couldn’t stop myself from making links between him then and him now, which didn’t normally happen.
He hadn’t fixed his hair and he still wore light, loose cotton pyjamas that Nuna had bought him, despite his protests. She said she wanted to, because there weren’t any girls’ pyjamas that cute and she wanted them. He argued that I could wear them, and took it back when he saw my look. I wouldn’t be seen dead in baby-blue and white with purple chibi dinosaurs.
Despite the bubbly conversation between Jina and Hyunseung, I ate in silence, trying not to think about anything but what was in front of me. I couldn’t eat much since my body was in the routine of eating at around ten, not eight, and, well... I felt a little woozy at being near Hyunseung like I had expected I would if I ate with him at breakfast.
There was nothing much to do that day except Nuna’s short three hour shift in the evening, so for the day, we went for a drive to the park to go for a walk and get some fresh air and exercise. It was midday before I realised I was still a little awkward around Hyunseung. Normally, it was gone by the time I left for work, but today I was still skipping his eyes and avoiding walking beside him like he was some sort of weirdo. I knew it was because I had to face him while the memories of my dream were still fresh in my mind.
After a short lunch of sandwiches Nuna had packed and then a few more rounds of the huge water-features, we headed home so that Nuna could prepare for work. Hyunseung didn’t seem to mind riding in the back of the car, but it made me shift that he sat in the middle and always had a hand on the shoulder of my seat and the shoulder of Nuna’s. Her car was huge, but he had to be so close to us that he was practically sitting on the centre consol.
“That can’t be safe,” I said when I finally had enough of swooning over the feeling of his breath on my arm. I didn’t look directly at him, but I could see he was looking at me. I imagined his expression and hated myself. He sat back slowly.
“Mianhamnida,” he said quietly. I clenched my teeth tightly and ignored the daggers Nuna threw at me. Hyunseung - in fact, the whole car - was silent for the rest of the trip. After a little over a week of Hyunseung-ridden car rides, the silence was alien to me. When we got out and Hyunseung headed up to the house, Nuna threw him the keys. He thanked her as he climbed the stairs. I looked at her, knowing she was going to say something. She just stared over the roof of her tangerine Subaru.
“Mwo?” I finally said, agonised by the tension.
“Don’t ‘mwo’ me, Dujun; you know ‘mwo.’ Why did you have to snap at him like that?”
“It didn’t seem safe!”
“Oh, come off it! Are you jealous of him? Do you still...?” she lowered her voice then. “Do you still love him?” I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to refuse everything and go hide under my bed covers. I clenched and unclenched my fists and dropped my eyes from hers. She sighed and I looked at her again. “Why can’t you see that he idolises you?” I felt my brows pinch in the middle. “Can’t you see that?” I blinked and looked away again, searching the nothingness in front of me for a slight grasp of understanding. “Why won’t you tell him? Are you too embarrassed about your past?”
“Nuna, don’t,” I said in a final tone. She looked almost sympathetically at me. “I can’t deal with this right now. Stay out of it.” She watched me as I walked up to the house, and followed soon after. More to avoid her than Hyunseung, I ducked into the bathroom and retreated into a hot shower.
I stayed in my room until Nuna left dressing in my pyjamas since I didn’t plan to come out until dinner. I didn’t realise I’d fallen asleep until I woke with a start a little after dark. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I felt a little groggy until I bent over to crawl to the other side of the bed and felt a very deplorable, unwelcome hardness hindering me. I sat back in shock and stared at nothing. I tried to clear my mind and calm down, but when I looked around for something to take my mind off it, my eyes fell on my wallet.
Bad. No. Down boy. Bad Dujun. Very bad. Leave the wallet. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad Dujun.
I couldn’t help it. It really, really couldn’t be helped.
I leapt off the bed and took my wallet as I trotted out of my room. A freshly-showered Hyunseung sat on Nuna’s only couch while reading a magazine, and his light tank top left a pair of delectable arms bare and very, very beautiful. I swallowed as I walked up to him. He made to look up, but something on the page made his eyes stay. He jumped when I dropped my wallet on his lap. His eyes found mine with a short moment of confusion, but that look was lost quickly.
He put the magazine down and lifted my wallet. He opened it. As his fingers flicked past notes, I counted by colours, translating them to numbers in my head.
Ten thousand, ten thousand, twenty thousand, five thousand, five thousand.
When he pulled those notes out, he looked up at me and slowly stood. He handed me my wallet and, still holding my eyes, stepped past me. I knew, from the second he realised what I wanted, that his look changed; his whole expression changed. He was suddenly that boy again - the whore. I gulped quietly when he passed me and broke the stare, and I followed him into my room.
I didn’t think he’d ever been in there before and I didn’t miss his glance around. He placed the fifty-thousand won on my dresser and pulled his tank top off with such a swift, graceful movement that it alone excited me. That was before I saw his sculpted back. I felt as though the sudden painful build-up of saliva in my mouth might just leak out, so I swallowed it.
I almost moaned when he turned around and dropped his top to the floor.
He had a stomach instead of a scary hollow. I couldn’t see his ribs. His pects had filled out. He had abs. The previous shocks were nothing compared to this. I didn’t look away until I noticed him tilt his head in a familiar, confident way. My jaw trembled as I dragged my eyes up to meet his. I stepped closer and he reached out with one hand. He pulled me as he walked backwards and fell onto my bed.
Before I had a chance to register that I was on my hands and knees over him, his hand closed on my crotch. I cried out like he’d been at me for some time already, but I realised it was because the hardness had gone unattended-to for a little too long, and was now tender and a little mad at me.
“You haven’t changed a bit,” Hyunseung mumbled, grinning up at me. I was taken completely off-guard by this new Hyunseung, or rather, the old Hyunseung. I was used to his shy, friendly self, but I remembered his facade then; I remembered how he used to act cool, sexy, and smooth. I remembered how it always turned me on, no matter how unlikely it was that it was his usual personality. Now that I knew what he was really like, it shocked me to my core.
While panting hard, I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself - at this rate I would come simply from excitement. Hyunseung’s long fingers slid up my shirt and ran gently over my nipples. I opened my eyes as he grabbed my shoulders - his hands still in my shirt - and flipped me onto my back. Straddling me, he dropped his mouth to my chest, and suddenly, it was very, very real.
Unlike the times when I had to endure his tantalising presence during the last week, my lust for him didn’t need to be fuelled by flashbacks - he was here again, just like before. So real, so warm, so soft, and so much healthier. I didn’t think I could ever be as happy as I was right then.
As he sat up, his fingers trailing down my front, he caught my eyes again, and I noticed that put-on look wasn’t quite as strong. It was like the wall he built between us for this very experience was much less prominent, maybe because we were friends now, and he knew me as his Hyung, and not just a customer. It was almost scary the way he could unhinge me completely just by looking at me, to the point where I was in another world trying to decipher his almost affectionate smile. I managed to completely miss him stripping himself of his bottom half, but I came back to my senses when he slowly dragged my pyjama pants and shorts down.
I helped him, and dropped them to the floor. Usually, they would barely make it past my knees, but... usually was referring to three years ago. Since some aspects of this encounter seemed different, I wanted everything to be different. When he looked up at me in surprise, I sat up slightly and pulled my shirt over my head. His face looked more shocked than I expected, but he hid it quickly, the corner of his lips quirking up as his eyes wandered down my bare body.
I breathed hard from the adrenaline in my body. It made me sweat and shake. It made me almost incapable of sitting still. I felt myself stiffen when Hyunseung crawled towards me and shoved me back on the bed again. He looked down my body, his eyes stopping at my (furiously excited) crotch, and I was entirely sure he hesitated before reaching down to it. That was very much unexpected in Hyunseung. Usually, his confidence was the sexiest thing about him and he had it in bundles; but not this time.
His guard was down. I was convinced that he was a little out of practice, and obviously feeling a little awkwardness - maybe even nervousness - at continuing this with someone he knew more personally. I didn’t, however, think I was feeling that at all. Three years ago, I felt affection for him, I felt sympathy, and I felt like I wanted him to stay with me forever. Now... nothing had changed, except that I didn’t have to feel sympathy anymore, and he seemed to be happy to be close to me.
Thoughts were a little hard to process, however, when his fingers tightened themselves around my cock and tested how hard I really was. I couldn’t muffle a loud groan of annoyance at how close I had let myself get. I heard Hyunseung’s breath as he smiled.
“We need to get you wrapped before you explode in my face.” I suddenly gulped. Condoms. Shit.
“Uuuhh...” I moaned, half in agonising frustration, half in pleasure at the gentle stroking of his absent fingers.
“Don’t tell me you’re fresh out...” he said, his expression changing. I swallowed as I looked at him though half-lidded eyes. He put on a slightly irritated face.
“I’m clean, I swear,” I said, making an attempt to sit up.
“What if I’m not?” he said, his expression changing. I swallowed, realising he’d been worrying about me and not himself. A shuddering breath passed my lips.
“I don’t care,” I said, not entirely sure if I meant it, but damn sure I wanted to be inside him right now more than to wake up tomorrow morning. His mocha gaze held mine for a little longer before he dipped his head, and I had to cover my mouth to catch the scream when my very erect manhood slid right to the back of his throat. I didn’t quite sit up, but I felt myself jump as consciousness hit me like a slap. I breathed hard from shock. It had been a little over a week since Hyunseung had come back into my life, and I thought I might be actually getting used to him. He even got comfortable enough to call me Hyung instead of Hyun-nim, and even though I didn’t directly give him permission to talk down, it didn’t bother me. I talked down to Jina Nuna, so I didn’t want him to feel put out.
Apparently, with thoughts like this, I was still in love with him. Were it a strange boy I’d never met before, maybe I would have been stricter. Who am I kidding; I would have been a heap stricter. It only took a few days for Hyunseung to become like a dongsaeng (only, I don’t think I would have had quite the same feelings for a dongsaeng). Nuna seemed glad that I wasn’t shunning him like for the first two days.
How I was handling it was beyond me. Maybe it was the knowledge that the young, delicate, underprivileged boy that I had loved so strongly was finally safe and sound. Maybe I just had grown up enough to accept that we had a different relationship and that of three years ago, and I saw him differently. I couldn’t pin-point what changed, but when I went to sleep, my dreams would remind me of how it used to be, and I felt so utterly shamed to the point where I would avoid Hyunseung for as much as the first few hours after waking. I had never had breakfast with him since the first day, and my excuse was that I liked to miss breakfast.
No excuse could have been more stupid when your Nuna is a doctor. Boy did she go off when I said it. I wished Hyunseung hadn’t asked, or at least that she hadn’t been in the room. I didn’t miss Hyunseung’s grin while she scolded me, nor did he miss my quick and immature ‘merong’ while Nuna wasn’t looking.
There was something between Hyunseung and I that was like friendship, but there was also a wall - one on my part and one on his. It was good that that wall was there, because it kept me at an appropriate distance from him. It was times like these, however, when I had just awoken from one of those dreams, that I wondered if I really was over him - if I really could ever just think of him as a friend. It also made me hope that he would soon find somewhere else to go.
EDIT: Thanks natsukinon for telling me about the error, lol. <3