(no subject)
I have this awful twinge in my gut. The last time I went on maternity leave, I found a replacement to work in my position who was actually better at it than me. I came back to a feeling of complete despair that I had returned - my boss wanted her to stay and for me to go work in another department.
Now as I prepare to go on maternity leave again, I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen. I'm so frightened that I'll be discovered to be a lousy EA and a real EA will step into my role and transform all of what I do there. My boss is totally effluent with her praise and her gratitude for my work - there's no question this is the best environment I've ever been lucky enough to land in. It only makes me more anxious about leaving.
And as I struggle to get on top of the mass of work I have to do to be ready to go, I wake up with a knot in my stomach and go to sleep with my head spinning around things I need to do urgently. I feel like I'm running in an obstacle course with an obvious hindrance to my progress. Today I have to do about 4 of 5 hours work (at least it's Labour Day weekend!) to come back to work with a feeling that things are somewhat manageable.
Josh starts a new school on Tuesday, too. At the last minute, I found a caregiver to watch him who seems to be willing to actually follow through (the last two bailed on me quite unceremoniously, as though parents have tonnes of additional options at their disposal - why do people behave so poorly?) But this woman seems like a God-send and I'm giving thanks for her. She's a young stay-at-home mother in the neighbourhood. She has a baby that comes with her everywhere, and I'm not sure of her relationship status, but I get the impression she's grateful for the extra income. She's returning to school part-time to study English (yay!) and she delivered her baby at home with a midwife (hurray!) and she's sweet and gentle and quiet and lovely and I believe Josh is going to love her. I only need her for the first part of the school year until our new baby comes, but thankfully I won't need to keep Josh in daycare that costs $1100 a month (for half day, mind you) to go to a school where the kindergarten teacher he's been assigned again this year almost broke his spirit (and my patience) last year. I'm praying and praying for a good situation this year. We went to the new school to register him and met the wonderful principal and the kind, laid back office staff and I immediately felt relief. There's no money in this school, so it's understated and humble, and I'm somehow even comforted by that. But it's full-day kindergarten (so no more mid-day naps - let's hear it for a shot at a normal bedtime!) and everyday there's a language instruction class, so they teach the kids Mandarin and Spanish and other languages I can't remember now, but I am so delighted by this too!
I have never had Josh in a "white" school or daycare. He's never, ever been a part of the majority race. The trend continues at this new school, and I think it will continue to serve him well. He doesn't see how he's different than the other children - he only sees children. It's good preparation for heaven.
Now, I'm off to have breakfast with Kirstie. I feel like there are blessings falling all over. I can't contain the kind of thankfulness I have, even in spite of all the stress I'm living with simultaneously. Good enough.
Now as I prepare to go on maternity leave again, I'm scared that the same thing is going to happen. I'm so frightened that I'll be discovered to be a lousy EA and a real EA will step into my role and transform all of what I do there. My boss is totally effluent with her praise and her gratitude for my work - there's no question this is the best environment I've ever been lucky enough to land in. It only makes me more anxious about leaving.
And as I struggle to get on top of the mass of work I have to do to be ready to go, I wake up with a knot in my stomach and go to sleep with my head spinning around things I need to do urgently. I feel like I'm running in an obstacle course with an obvious hindrance to my progress. Today I have to do about 4 of 5 hours work (at least it's Labour Day weekend!) to come back to work with a feeling that things are somewhat manageable.
Josh starts a new school on Tuesday, too. At the last minute, I found a caregiver to watch him who seems to be willing to actually follow through (the last two bailed on me quite unceremoniously, as though parents have tonnes of additional options at their disposal - why do people behave so poorly?) But this woman seems like a God-send and I'm giving thanks for her. She's a young stay-at-home mother in the neighbourhood. She has a baby that comes with her everywhere, and I'm not sure of her relationship status, but I get the impression she's grateful for the extra income. She's returning to school part-time to study English (yay!) and she delivered her baby at home with a midwife (hurray!) and she's sweet and gentle and quiet and lovely and I believe Josh is going to love her. I only need her for the first part of the school year until our new baby comes, but thankfully I won't need to keep Josh in daycare that costs $1100 a month (for half day, mind you) to go to a school where the kindergarten teacher he's been assigned again this year almost broke his spirit (and my patience) last year. I'm praying and praying for a good situation this year. We went to the new school to register him and met the wonderful principal and the kind, laid back office staff and I immediately felt relief. There's no money in this school, so it's understated and humble, and I'm somehow even comforted by that. But it's full-day kindergarten (so no more mid-day naps - let's hear it for a shot at a normal bedtime!) and everyday there's a language instruction class, so they teach the kids Mandarin and Spanish and other languages I can't remember now, but I am so delighted by this too!
I have never had Josh in a "white" school or daycare. He's never, ever been a part of the majority race. The trend continues at this new school, and I think it will continue to serve him well. He doesn't see how he's different than the other children - he only sees children. It's good preparation for heaven.
Now, I'm off to have breakfast with Kirstie. I feel like there are blessings falling all over. I can't contain the kind of thankfulness I have, even in spite of all the stress I'm living with simultaneously. Good enough.