Mental Vomit - Clean Up on Aisle 3
I've never been fond of Maine.
I have lived here for over a decade, now - the longest I have ever lived in a single place. It was never a choice to stay, merely the path of least resistance compounded by a total lack of self-respect or interest in anything more than getting by and being as solitary as possible.
There are very few people here I care about. Those that I respect, I never see - I could live anywhere and we'd have the same relationship. Those that I don't respect are everyhwere, and I don't know how this happened. A person is supposed to choose their friends.
As I mentioned in my Alaska post, there is nothing inspiring about Maine. It's flat and generic - might as well be Kansas.
And then there's work. What once was an irksome chore I performed in order to (barely) afford to live my life has become an albatross whose shrill screeching has become truly unbearable.
Having recently regained a sense of worth and an interest in re-designing my life (and, by the way, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.), I have decided to leave.
Having been here for the past ten years, I have managed to accrue the typical barnacles of a sedentary life: I own furniture; I have cats. The furniture I could do without - it means little to me, was never something I wanted. My cats... Well. I saw them born. I love them, quite a lot. I will not be able to move with them.
I have had to think about this a lot - they are my only real concern. Before I can pick up and leave, they must be provided for. I will have to find them good homes and intend to do so, but I know so few people that I am not sure how to proceed. I don't feel I can speak to co-workers. I'd rather give as little warning of my impending exit as possible and I would like to be employed (even with the screeching) for the rest of the time I am forced to spend in Maine. I may ask at the local vet - maybe they know of a good way to place cats. I will ask a few friends as well. I am anxious to sort this out as it is the first nudge of the pebble that begets the landslide.
Beyond that, things are less emotional, but still complicated. Having spent a short time as a degenerate homeless miscreant, I am not interested in putting myself in a position where that's the most likely outcome. This means finding work and a place to live.
I need to work out a viable arrangement of events that would guide me properly to my goal, but there are so many unknowns. Some friends have been providing information about jobs and housing and that's been very helpful, but the fact is that I can't simply start applying for work without knowing when I can walk through the door. I can't look for housing without an idea of what I'll be doing for work. I can't even think about moving as long as I still have four cats and nowhere to put my shit.
In the middle of it, I am desperate to go. Every day spent here in Maine is a wasted one, and the longer I fail to make progress toward my goal the worse I feel. There's encouragement and support all around me, but none of it is helping me practically. There are conversations about the reality of the situation that need to happen but haven't and I'm not sure they will. I feel responsible and alone in this - and maybe that's as it should be.
Then again, I haven't been insistent about having those conversations and my prodding has been passive-aggressive. With time this will sort itself, but I feel like I've already missed out on too many years without Bliss.
On a better note: I have decided to alter my lifestyle. With a more appropriate balance of foods and cutting out soda (and minimizing coffee intake - *cue angry zombie noises*), as well as planning more activity, I can start trimming down again. I've been unhappy with my body for a long time, but didn't care enough about what anyone thought for it to matter.
I am well aware of what it takes to lose a little weight and maintain a more pleasing shape - it should be easy enough. I'm really looking forward to the differences that it will make in my attitude and energy.
If anyone accuses me of dieting, however, I will punch them in the kidneys until they piss blood.
I have lived here for over a decade, now - the longest I have ever lived in a single place. It was never a choice to stay, merely the path of least resistance compounded by a total lack of self-respect or interest in anything more than getting by and being as solitary as possible.
There are very few people here I care about. Those that I respect, I never see - I could live anywhere and we'd have the same relationship. Those that I don't respect are everyhwere, and I don't know how this happened. A person is supposed to choose their friends.
As I mentioned in my Alaska post, there is nothing inspiring about Maine. It's flat and generic - might as well be Kansas.
And then there's work. What once was an irksome chore I performed in order to (barely) afford to live my life has become an albatross whose shrill screeching has become truly unbearable.
Having recently regained a sense of worth and an interest in re-designing my life (and, by the way, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.), I have decided to leave.
Having been here for the past ten years, I have managed to accrue the typical barnacles of a sedentary life: I own furniture; I have cats. The furniture I could do without - it means little to me, was never something I wanted. My cats... Well. I saw them born. I love them, quite a lot. I will not be able to move with them.
I have had to think about this a lot - they are my only real concern. Before I can pick up and leave, they must be provided for. I will have to find them good homes and intend to do so, but I know so few people that I am not sure how to proceed. I don't feel I can speak to co-workers. I'd rather give as little warning of my impending exit as possible and I would like to be employed (even with the screeching) for the rest of the time I am forced to spend in Maine. I may ask at the local vet - maybe they know of a good way to place cats. I will ask a few friends as well. I am anxious to sort this out as it is the first nudge of the pebble that begets the landslide.
Beyond that, things are less emotional, but still complicated. Having spent a short time as a degenerate homeless miscreant, I am not interested in putting myself in a position where that's the most likely outcome. This means finding work and a place to live.
I need to work out a viable arrangement of events that would guide me properly to my goal, but there are so many unknowns. Some friends have been providing information about jobs and housing and that's been very helpful, but the fact is that I can't simply start applying for work without knowing when I can walk through the door. I can't look for housing without an idea of what I'll be doing for work. I can't even think about moving as long as I still have four cats and nowhere to put my shit.
In the middle of it, I am desperate to go. Every day spent here in Maine is a wasted one, and the longer I fail to make progress toward my goal the worse I feel. There's encouragement and support all around me, but none of it is helping me practically. There are conversations about the reality of the situation that need to happen but haven't and I'm not sure they will. I feel responsible and alone in this - and maybe that's as it should be.
Then again, I haven't been insistent about having those conversations and my prodding has been passive-aggressive. With time this will sort itself, but I feel like I've already missed out on too many years without Bliss.
On a better note: I have decided to alter my lifestyle. With a more appropriate balance of foods and cutting out soda (and minimizing coffee intake - *cue angry zombie noises*), as well as planning more activity, I can start trimming down again. I've been unhappy with my body for a long time, but didn't care enough about what anyone thought for it to matter.
I am well aware of what it takes to lose a little weight and maintain a more pleasing shape - it should be easy enough. I'm really looking forward to the differences that it will make in my attitude and energy.
If anyone accuses me of dieting, however, I will punch them in the kidneys until they piss blood.