The Strange Adventures of a Girl With a Crutch
Summary: Thanks to Linali, the Noah Clan discovers their secret weakness.
Prompt: 038. Encounter
Warning: If you object to Noahs being beaten with crutches, don't read this fanfic.
The Noah Clan discovered their secret weakness the day they challenged the Exorcists to a game inside their old Ark.
Or, strictly speaking, they failed to discover their weakness.
The moment of their undoing began when the Millennium Earl opened a portal beneath Linali Lee. With one hand she instinctively grasped for aid, and Allen seized it. With her other hand, she grabbed her crutch.
The first Noah to encounter one injured Exorcist, four uninjured Exorcists, and one Chinese sailor was Skinn Bolic. The Exorcists’ shrewd strategy for fighting him was, apparently, to stand around discussing who should do it.
“I’m staying behind, dammit!” insisted Kanda. “This is my Noah!”
“No, I’m staying behind, because I’m the main character and I probably won’t die!” said Allen.
“I should fight him because my shirt might get ripped off, which would be hot,” countered Kanda.
As Allen considered the undeniable merits of this argument, Skinn felt his rage building. Exorcists made him angry. Japanese people made him angry. British people made him angry, too. And katanas were really starting to piss him off.
“Um, guys, we’d better go,” said Linali, hobbling towards her bickering companions with the aid of a crutch.
Rabi held up his hands, cautioning her. “Linali…”
Unable to restrain himself any longer, Skinn charged towards Kanda and Allen, electricity sparking from his body. The two Exorcists looked up, eyes widening, and Kanda raised his katana in a defensive stance.
However, he didn’t need to use it, because Linali, feet planted as firmly as possible on the rocky ground, raised her crutch and caught Skinn Bolic on the forehead.
Skinn skidded to a halt before Kanda, who was too busy staring at Linali to attack him. The girl’s attack had not noticably hurt him, but he looked puzzled. He rubbed at his forehead with a meaty hand. He was very confused. “I don’t know what you just did, but I’ll never forgive you,” Skinn said.
The Exorcists watched as he staggered off to one side of the path. A door labeled “EXIT” appeared in the air. He opened it onto a view of Edo houses. As Skinn stepped through, Kanda gave a shout and bolted after the Noah, yelling “Come back and fight!” He slipped out behind the Noah. Allen frantically motioned his friends towards the door, but it vanished the moment Kanda had left the Ark.
“At least Kanda’s out of here,” said Allen. “And at this rate we’ll have plenty of time to find the next door.” He took Linali’s elbow and they stepped in the direction of a building upslope.
Rabi lingered a little behind with Crowley and Chaoji. “Did Linali just smack a Noah with a crutch?” he asked.
“I do believe she did,” said Crowley, coughing behind his hand.
Rabi thought about this. “Good job there,” he said.
Jasdero and Devit were sitting atop the library pillar that held the next door. They were playing Go Fish.
“Do you have any fours?” asked Jasdero hopefully.
“Go fish!”
Jasdero drew a card and glared at it.
“Okay…do you have any fours?” asked Devit.
“Hee! Go fish.”
“But you just asked me if I had any fours,” pointed out Devit.
“Go fish.” Jasdero stared intensely at the cards he held before his face.
“You do too have fours! I saw them!”
“Go fish!!” shrieked Jasdero.
“Give me your damn fours!” said Devit. He flung down his own hand of cards, which landed face up to reveal a four of hearts, and tried to pull Jasdero’s cards away from him.
Jasdero held on. “No!”
In the hitting-each-other-in-the-head that ensued, much of the draw pile was scattered onto the library floor twenty feet below. However, the twins soon concluded that the fours belonged to everyone and the game of Go Fish was ended without enmity. (They had not been hitting each other in the head very hard.)
“We suck at cheating, we should stop,” said Devit, sitting cross-legged while Jasdero picked up the cards remaining at the top of the pillar.
“Hee…!”
Just then a troupe of Exorcists walked through the library door looking like they meant business. Allen was in the lead, although a injured girl Exorcist with a particularly determined expression was close beside him.
“Oh shit!” Devit seized his pistol and leapt to his feet. “They’re early! What the hell was Skinn doing?”
“Heeee?” Jasdero dropped the cards he’d been picking up and raised his pistol.
The Exorcists stared as he and Devit took a few moments to achieve a properly dramatic pose in which they stood back to back with their guns raised. Devit glanced back to check that Jasdero’s pose was dramatic enough. Jasdero, an evil grin frozen on his face, nudged his twin meaningfully with his elbow.
“Uh, right.” Devit fixed a baleful glare on the Exorcists and pointed at them dramatically. “Allen Walker! We’re here to beat you up! I’m Devit!”
“Jasdero!” said Jasdero. “Together, we’re Jasdevi!”
“Nice to meet you,” said Allen automatically. Like the other Exorcists, his thought processes had been frozen by the sight of Jasdevi’s pants.
“Nice to meet you too!” Jasdero shrieked. “Now drop dead!”
The twins began shooting at Allen’s feet. Their attack broke the Exorcists’ pants-induced daze. Allen jumped back, holding his clawed arm in front of Linali. “Be careful, we don’t know what powers these Noahs have!” he cautioned the other Exorcists (and one Chinese sailor) as they retreated towards the doorway.
“They make people go blind with their pants!” said Rabi. He’d noticed these two Noahs from a distance, in Edo, but seeing them up close was another matter altogether.
Jasdero and Devit stopped shooting and leapt down from the pillar in one synchronized motion. Rabi screamed and covered his eye with his hand.
“It’s better than that, dumbass!” said Devit. He and Jasdero sauntered towards Allen. “But never mind you, redhead-”
“Although Jasdevi do hate redheads!” wailed Jasdero.
“-we’ve got a score to settle with Allen first!”
“What exactly did I do to you?” asked Allen. “I’ve never even met you before!”
Jasdero burst into tears. Allen had trouble feeling sorry for him, because Jasdero’s gun was pointed at his head.
“Surely it is a tale of woe,” said Crowley, whose Innocence was not presently activated.
“Damn right it is, Exorcist freak,” said Devit. Jasdero sniffled and wiped his eyes on his the arm bandages of his left arm, managing to keep his gun trained on Allen’s head as he did so. Devit began, “It all began on that fateful day when the Earl took us aside and said, Jasdevi-”
“-why aren’t you wearing any underwear,” said Jasdero, looking up from the arm bandages he was using as a tissue.
Horrified yet intrigued, Rabi peeked through his fingers. Devit was really showing some leg.
“No, not that day! The one where he took us aside and said, Jasdevi, I want you to-”
Behind Rabi, Crowley’s lower lip was trembling. “He called me a…” he said almost inaudibly. Linali looked back at him in concern.
“-go and do me this favor, there’s this one horrible man-” Devit was gesticulating angrily, absorbed in his story.
“How dare you!” Linali interrupted him.
“Huh?” said Devit.
“Linali?” asked Rabi as she pushed Allen aside. She was going towards the pants!
“How dare you call an innocent man such names!” said Linali. The twins glanced at Crowley, who had fought back his tears but still looked forlorn.
Devit looked over the motley group of Exorcists, trying to decide who to insult first in retaliation. He settled on Linali herself. “Oh yeah, hobble over here and say that, you Exorcist bitch!” His insult was less meaningful because she was only five feet away, but she took a short step forward. Jasdero watched her, unsure of how to react, because people who could barely walk usually didn’t try to walk towards Noahs.
Devit put a hand on his hip. “You want I should come over there and-”
Linali swung her crutch hard and hit him on the side of the head. He sprawled face-down onto the tile floor.
“Deviiiiit, noooo!” screamed Jasdero, and turned with a murderous expression towards Linali, who hit him with her crutch. He dropped his gun, stumbled backward, and tripped over Devit, who was lying on the floor in shock.
The Exorcists look down at the prone Jasdevi. “Should we finish them off?” Rabi asked eventually. He felt like he was being personally flashed by Devit.
“No, let’s just go,” said Allen, and they hurried through the next door, Allen assisting Linali. He was eager to put some distance between themselves and Jasdevi before they pulled themselves together and came after them.
Tiki was setting out plates on a long dining table in the highest building in what remained of the Old Ark. Lelo had just come flying through the window in a panic, babbling something in its strange umbrella speech. Rhode was trying to make sense of it. She shook Lelo. “What do you mean, they chased Skinn off? There’s no way he’d run from a battle with Exorcists.”
“No, no, no, lelo, they hit him with a-”
Rhode couldn’t catch the word. “What?” she demanded, whapping Lelo’s head on the floor.
“Lelo! And then he left, but an Exorcist chased after him lelo!”
“So he’s continuing his battle in Edo,” concluded Rhode. “Well, so long as the other Exorcists haven’t escaped our game.” Allen, for example, she thought.
Tiki straightened a burgundy cloth napkin and then looked alertly towards the door. “I think I hear something.”
“Huh? I don’t think so.” Rhode listened for a moment and made out the sound of multiple footsteps. “What on earth were the twins doing? Usually they’re quite creative with ways to slow the enemy down.” She released Lelo and pirouetted towards the table. “But never mind that, Allen’s here-”
The door began to swing open. Rhode grabbed a pointy candle she’d set by her chair and flew towards the door. “Aaaaaaalllleeeeeennnnnnnnn!” she called. She knew that Allen would be the one opening the door. (There was no way he’d allow that risk to his friends-it was so pathetically cute.) Rhode caught sight of Allen’s face through the partially-open door. He looked wary for any danger in the room, but there had been no time for him to register Rhode’s presence. She flung herself towards him, her pointy candle raised to eye level. Just as the first hint of surprise entered Allen’s expression, the candle slipped out of Rhode’s hands in her excitement. In the space of a millisecond, she changed her plans and reached out to put her arms around his neck instead. She let her leap carry her straight into a kiss with Allen.
She didn’t regret it. It was a very good kiss. It was probably better than eye-stabbing.
Rhode pulled away and was rewarded by the stunned look on Allen’s face. She danced her way back towards the dining table, snatching Lelo from the air on her way and including him in her twirls. Lelo seemed eager to tell her something, but she smacked it on the floor whenever it started to shriek out a warning. Rhode had more important things on her mind. “I stole Allen’s kiss!”
The other Exorcists looked between Allen and Rhode, speechless.
“It’s mine now!” cackled Rhode. She sat down, muffling Lelo by sitting on it and covering its mouth with her hand. Tiki closed the door, then hurried to his place at the head of the table as well. He cleared his throat and said, “That’s a beautiful sentiment, Rhode. Boy, boy’s friends, why don’t you sit down?” He indicated the table stretching out before them.
The four Exorcists and one Chinese sailor sat down, but did not touch the food. Rabi tapped his finger on the table. Allen folded his hands in front of him, like Tiki. Linali sat by Allen and leaned her crutch against her chair. Crowley stared down at his plate. Chaoji glared at the Noahs from the corner of his eye. There was an awkward silence of the sort feared at dinner parties.
Rabi raised his hand.
“Yes, Bookman’s apprentice?” said Tiki.
“Can you explain Jasdevi’s pants?”
“No, I can’t. Next question?”
Allen raised his hand. “Am I going to have to fight you in a one-on-one battle that both continues and parallels our previous encounter and culminates in my doing to you the equivalent of what you did to me when you destroyed my arm and poked a hole in my heart?”
“Yeah, I’m guessing you will,” said Tiki.
Rabi, Linali and Crowley were staring at Allen with expressions of shock.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had a hole in my heart for awhile there,” said Allen. “Nothing serious. Ha ha!” He turned back to Tiki. “We should get it over with.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Tiki, pushing back his chair and standing. Demonic butterflies pulsed from his gloved hands. Allen put his hands on the table and fixed Tiki with a look of determination. Rhode clapped her hands together in delight.
“Let’s begin in the traditional manner,” said Tiki. One of the butterflies fluttered over to land by Linali’s head. Its wingspan was larger than her head, and she pulled away in fear.
“By an attack on a third party, which allows you to show your selflessness and bravery in defending your friends,” said Tiki.
Linali groped for her crutch and smashed the butterfly into little bitty shards with the top of it.
Tiki looked put out. “Or that.” He jumped up on the table. Moments later, his man-eating butterflies and Allen’s claw clashed as they met in an epic encounter directly above the hors d'oeuvres. The other Exorcists ducked as ceramic plates and serving bowls went flying.
“Go Tiki!” cheered Rhode. Tiki and Allen leapt off the table, striking at each other with lightening speed but landing no hits. Their battle took them to the other end of the room. “Now it’s my turn,” said Rhode, and Rabi and Crowley slumped forward onto the table.
Linali and Chaoji cried out in alarm. “What just happened?” asked Linali nervously.
“I took them hostage with my mind,” said Rhode.
“How dare you,” said Linali. She stood on unsteady legs and with the aid of her crutch walked along the side of the long table towards Rhode. Chaoji cried a warning, but Linali kept going. She didn’t go very fast, which frustrated her, and since her Innocence wasn’t working she wasn’t sure what she’d do when she got to Rhode, although she had an idea.
Rhode was staring at her in puzzlement. She put her hands under her chin and laced her fingers together. Lelo managed to struggle out from under her and hovered before her face, saying “She’s the dangerous one, lelo! She hit him!”
“Don’t be stupid, Lelo, she’s perfectly harmless right now!” said Rhode. “Besides, you can’t stop Skinn just by hitting him, because he’ll hardly notice.”
“But she hit him with a crutch, lelo!”
“With a what?” Rhode regarded Lelo in disbelief.
“Her crutch!” Lelo turned a nervous eye to Linali, who was only a couple chairs away from his mistress.
“Huh?”
“That thing she’s holding, lelo!”
“Honestly, Lelo, what’s wrong with you today? Important things are going on, and you’re blathering at me.” Rhode pushed her chair back and walked up to Linali. Looking over her shoulder at Lelo, she said, “See, it’s perfectly safe! Besides, you know I can’t be hurt!”
Linali, taking the chance that had been given her, balanced herself as best she could and knocked Rhode over with her crutch. Rhode immediately stood up again. Linali raised her crutch for another swing. Rhode jumped back, looking unafraid but perplexed.
“Mistress Rhooooode! See!? This is what I was talking about, lelo!” cried the umbrella, bobbing back and forth frantically.
“No, I don’t see,” said Rhode. “What are you talking about? Nothing happened just now. At all.”
“I can demonstrate again if you’d like,” said Linali.
Rhode waved a hand vaguely at Linali, dismissing her. “Tiki, Tiki!!” she called over to her fellow Noah. He and Allen were busy destroying the wall, their powerful attacks crumbling sections of marble.
However, Tiki heard her. “What?” He held Allen’s claw back with one hand.
“Tikii, I’m leaving a bit early today. I have to go, um, do my homework,” said Rhode, picking up a spiky candle with one hand and tucking Lelo under her arm with the other. She trotted away from Linali, towards a space of floor where one of her curved doors emerged, shedding dust as it rose. Linali took a step towards it and had to catch herself with her crutch-there was no way she’d reach it in time. She glanced back. Rabi and Crowley were still slumped on the table. Allen was still caught up in his fight. Linali wasn’t going anywhere without her friends, even if she could reach the door.
“What!? Why!?” Tiki shouted across the room. He kicked Allen back when Allen tried to hit him.
“Oh, no reason,” said Rhode as she stepped through her portal. Lelo was screaming about not abandoning Tiki in the Ark. It tugged itself out of her grip and sailed back into the room right before Rhode vanished with her door.
Tiki didn’t understand why she’d left. But he shrugged it off and tried to plunge his hand through Allen’s skull. Allen sprang aside.
At the long dinner table, Rabi and Crowley sat up. Rabi looked around groggily.
Linali waved an arm at Allen. “Hey, Allen! Get Tiki to come over here!” Beating Noahs with a crutch was satisfying, true, but she’d never expected it to be so effective. It was time to put her discovery to good use in the fight against Tiki.
“What!? No!” Allen yelled back as Tiki tried to get through his defenses. “I’ll take care of him!”
“I’ll go help!” said Rabi, pulling out his hammer.
They were getting it all wrong, thought Linali. She tried the opposite tactic. “Hey, Tiki!” The Noah glanced at her. “Come fight me!”
“You planning a trap or something, Exorcist girl? Or are you saying I should take a hostage? I’ve had enough of this stalemate, so I’ll take you up on one or the other.” Tiki pivoted away from Allen and dashed towards Linali, fast. Nearly as fast as she’d been before she’d overexerted herself and gotten her injury.
“Nooo, Master Tiki! Lelooo!” wailed the sentient umbrella, but nobody cared.
Tiki jumped over the table, past Rabi, who swung his hammer and missed. He towered before Linali. Linali raised her crutch and brought it down on Tiki’s head with a loud crack.
There was a pause, the first silence since Allen and Tiki had begun their fight. The faint sound of buildings on the Ark's periphery crumbling away became audible. Tiki looked shocked. His eyes rolled up in his head and he started to fall over.
Linali was about to let out a cheer and propose that everyone head for the exit, but before Tiki could hit the tiles, an inky darkness rose from his feet and enveloped him. Linali leaned back from the force of it, which sent a wind whipping around the spot where Tiki had been. Her ankle gave out when she unthinkingly tried to step back, but Rabi was there, and caught her.
Vague shapes moved inside the Tiki-egg, and a black tentacle lashed out and cracked the table in two. Chaoji and Crowley jumped up from their seats and backed away. Linali stared at the tentacle.
“What the fuck,” said Rabi. “What just happened?”
“I hit him with my crutch, and he sprouted tentacles!” said Linali. This wasn’t so much a reason as a sequence of events with no logical connection, but it was the best she could do.
Allen appeared by their side. “I don’t know what he just turned into, but you probably shouldn’t stand by it.”
They backed away from whatever the hell Tiki had transformed into, the boys helping Linali, who held grimly onto her crutch. Chaoji and Crowley joined them. They watched the darkness surrounding Tiki clear like mist to reveal a man with a horned helmet and no shirt. Rabi was beginning to sense a pattern: the Noahs didn’t like clothes.
“I’ll fight him,” said Allen immediately. “Rabi, you and Crowley protect Chaoji and Linali.” He made certain that Linali was steady on her feet and ran for the new Tiki, yelling “Cross Grave!”
Transformed Tiki roared as Allen’s attack singed him. He whipped tentacles around to hit Allen, several of his blows landing on Allen’s raised claw. Allen’s companions circled around to the other side of the room, Linali half-carried by Rabi and dragging her crutch.
“I would rather not bite that, but I shall attempt to help Allen,” said Crowley, pulling a bottle from his cloak and chugging down a third of the remnants of the poor departed Chomesuke. He threw the bottle aside, wiped his lips, and pounced on a tentacle with a feral cry. Tiki began smacking him against the floor with the tentacle while he pursued Allen.
“I should probably go help too,” said Rabi nervously. “Maybe I can set it on fire.”
“Er, Rabi…” said Linali. Rabi ran towards Tiki with a brave cry.
“I’ll just stand here, then,” said Chaoji, wringing his hands.
Allen was trying to wade through tentacles to get at Tiki himself, and Crowley was being smacked against the floor with the tentacle he’d sunk his teeth into. “Fire Seal!” screamed Rabi, and hit the ground by Tiki, who caught on fire.
Unfortunately, the fire didn’t actually hurt Tiki. It merely coated him in a layer of flame. Allen ran away, and Crowley had to let go of the tentacle and beat the flames out of the edge of his cloak. Tiki’s mouth gaped open, and he laughed.
“Err…” said Rabi. He had to admit that the tentacled, shirtless Tiki was about ten times more scary when he was on fire, not to mention laughing, and it was his fault. “Water Seal!” he shouted, trying to make it better.
Rain showered down throughout the room, puddling on the floor. Tiki’s flames died down, but he still smoldered in a way that didn’t appear to hurt him. Lelo, which had been cowering in the corner, obeyed its ancient umbrella instincts and opened up.
Allen, running to a better attack position, slipped on a puddle. He pushed himself to his feet with his claw and glared at Rabi. “Could you sit this one out, Rabi?”
“I concur,” said Crowley stiffly.
“Ha ha! Sorry!” said Rabi.
Crowley looked at the smoldering Tiki. Tiki’s black tentacles glowed with an orange sheen of flame. “I’m not sure I should bite that unless I have to. I’ll protect Linali and Chaoji.” He moved to stand between them and the transformed Noah.
Everyone-except, apparently, Tiki-was wet from Rabi’s failed attack. Linali hugged her shoulders and shivered. It didn’t help that part of her upper legs was bare.
“Have my shirt,” said Chaoji, removing it.
“Oh you don’t have to do that,” said Linali.
“I want to help,” said Chaoji, now in his undershirt, and handed it over.
“Oh, thank you,” said Linali, draping his shirt over her legs.
Rabi sat on a pile of rubble by the door, feeling like a failure. Allen and the partially flaming Tiki continued their battle. Allen swiped repeatedly at Tiki, but tentacles blocked his every attack.
Rabi heard a noise from behind the door. He turned to look at it, puzzled, and watched as it was shoved open.
Devit and Jasdero were framed in the open half of the doorway. Devit yelled, “Okay, Exorcists-what the fuck is that?” He pointed at the tentacled Tiki.
“A monster!” yelled Jasdero.
“We should shoot it!” concluded Devit. He brandished his gun.
“Yeah, yeah!”
Lelo closed and sprang from its corner. “No, Master Jasdevi! That’s Tiki!”
The twins took a second look. Apparently Tiki’s inner self liked tentacles, unicorn horns, and going around shirtless.
“Let’s shoot him anyway,” proposed Devit.
“Okay!” said Jasdero.
“No!” screamed Lelo, who was having a very bad day that no umbrella deserves.
“Why not?” asked Devit, who had no respect for umbrellas or what kind of day they were having.
“You should fight the bad Exorcists instead, lelo!” said Lelo wretchedly.
“Oh yeah, them!” said Jasdero. He and Devit looked around the room. Tiki was wearing down Allen’s defenses by slow degrees. Linali and the bystander were sitting behind the older Exorcist. And Rabi was sitting nearby on a pile of rubble, looking kind of scared.
Jasdevi’s gaze settled on the closest target. They swaggered towards Rabi, who replied with a look that implied their fashion sense held no fear for him after he had beheld the awakened Tiki. “Hey, Exorcist,” called Devit.
“Hi,” said Rabi wearily.
“Watcha doing?” asked Devit. Rabi could see a bruise on his cheek.
“Watching that,” said Rabi, nodding towards the epic Allen-getting-smacked-by-tentacles battle.
“Ah,” said Devit. “It is quite a sight.” He and Jasdero sat down on the pile of rubble, Devit next to Rabi and Jasdero close by Devit, to watch the fight.
“Um, Master Jasdevi…” began Lelo, sidling up to them in midair. Jasdero shot at it, and it flew off with a squeal towards the top of the tower, calling back that it had had enough and was going home.
“Wow, I hope our inner Noah never awakens,” said Devit as they watched the awakened Tiki.
“Heehee!” Jasdero absently rubbed at the top of his head.
“So his inner Noah awakened, you said?” Rabi wasn’t sure what they meant, but as the future Bookman he thought he’d dig for information.
“Looks like it,” Devit said critically. Jasdero nodded.
“What exactly is an ‘inner Noah?’” asked Rabi. It didn’t sound healthy.
“It’s the Noah within,” said Devit. He grinned as Tiki landed a particularly harsh blow on Allen’s head.
“I’d better go help him,” said Rabi, grabbing his hammer and beginning to stand. Devit seized his arm, and Jasdero’s death grip on his wrist followed moments later.
“You have to listen to Jasdevi’s story!” said Jasdero, grinning at Rabi with an expression that could be reasonably described as insane.
“Er…what story is this?” Glancing between the twin Noahs and the battle, Rabi saw Crowley join the fight. Tiki’s flames had died down, allowing Crowley to use his fangs. Reluctantly, Rabi sat down again. Devit let go, but Jasdero, reaching across his twin’s lap, kept his grinding hold on Rabi’s wrist.
“Long, long ago-” began Devit, spreading his hands.
“-there was a princess who had lost her parents!” said Jasdero.
“…and his name was Noah. Wait, no!” He glared at Jasdero for a moment. “We mean, there was this guy named Noah, right? And he built a boat and stuff. Anyway, after he died, part of his will lived on!”
“Like zombies!”
“Right! But cooler. And we’re Noah’s bonds, and Tiki is Noah’s pleasure-” Devit paused so he and Jasdero could snicker at this. “And so on,” he concluded.
Rabi pulled a small notebook and pencil from his pocket with his hand not captured by Jasdero and jotted this down for future reference. “So, um…” He looked at Jasdero and Devit, who were grinning. They looked happy to answer any questions about their abridged story. “So you embody part of Noah’s inner self?”
“That’s right!” they said.
“And you’re the bondage Noahs?”
“No!” they cried, looking disgusted. Jasdero snatched his hand away from Rabi’s wrist and looked at him like he was unclean.
Devit pointed at Tiki. “He’s the perverted one!”
In his notebook, Rabi wrote down “the perverted one” and drew an arrow to “Tiki.” He regarded the twins from the corner of his eye. Devit shifted to sitting cross-legged as he turned his attention back to the battle. Devit’s short was riding up, or would be if it had any farther to go. Rabi put a question mark by “Devit” and “Jasdero.” Then he wrote “Rhode: panties” in the margin for good measure. Then there’d been the kissing incident. For all the facts in his mind, there were so many things Rabi didn’t understand.
“Why are you starting at my leg?” asked Devit, eyes narrowed.
“Pervert!” shrieked Jasdero, and stood threateningly.
“No, no, I wasn’t, I was just thinking!” Rabi raised his hands placatingly. “I was trying to figure out this inner Noah thing.”
“It really isn’t that hard,” said Devit. “You dumbass.”
Jasdero sat back down on the pile of masonry. “Everybody’s from a different part of Noah’s mind!” he said.
“Wait,” said Rabi, realization dawning. “What you’re saying is that first guy-”
“Skinn,” said Jasdero.
Rabi nodded and wrote the name down. He began counting off on his fingers. “He was Noah’s inner Big Dumb Angry Guy, and you two are Noah’s inner Scary Clowns-”
Jasdero and Devit glanced at each other.
“-and Tiki’s his inner Secretly Hot Hobo, and Rhode’s his inner Goth-Loli?”
There was a pause in which, on the other side of the room, Tiki continued to beat up Allen.
“Yeah, pretty much,” said Devit.
Jasdero, having nothing to add to this, glanced over to the ongoing fight and shrieked. “Look, the battle’s getting interesting!”
Allen was facing off against Tiki, who had a massive sphere of dark energy surrounding his hand. Allen’s cloak whipped back from the force of it. Tiki plunged his fist towards Allen, who raised his claw to block. There was a blinding flash of light. Allen staggered back, clutching his bleeding left shoulder. Tiki’s hand shot out and seized Allen by the throat. He lifted Allen off the ground.
While the twins were cheering, Rabi jumped up, hefting his hammer. “Allen!” He sprinted across the spacious room to Tiki and swung his hammer towards the base of the tentacle holding Allen. Before it hit, another tentacle tore Rabi’s weapon from his hands. Rabi cried out. Tiki hit him across the face with his arm. He fell into a mass of tentacles, one of which lifted him up by his foot.
The twins watched with interest. They made no move to get up and help. Tiki may have lost his mind and turned into a tentacle unicorn with no shirt, but they trusted his ability to handle the Exorcists himself. Besides, they had been taught never to go near perverts with tentacles.
Others did not have as much choice. When she saw Tiki begin choking Allen, Linali, too, had struggled to her feet with her crutch and a helping hand from Chaoji.“I need to beat him with my crutch again,” she told Chaoji and Crowley.
Crowley, his fangs showing, frowned. “That’s a bad idea. Just look what happened the first time.”
Linali shook her head. “I know, but I think it was the shock that made him turn into that in the first place. Another shock may change him back. Besides, it might be our only chance! We have to hurry!” Allen was struggling weakly against Tiki’s chokehold. He was slipping out of consciousness, and his Innocence was deactivated. Rabi still reached vainly for his hammer.
“It’s too dangerous,” said Crowley. “You should leave, and I’ll save them.”
“We’re all leaving together,” countered Linali. In the distance, she could hear the sound of buildings crumbling into nothingness. “Chaoji, please help get me into reach of Tiki. Crowley, you distract him.”
“Yes, ma’am!” said Chaoji.
Crowley, abandoning his objections in face of Linali’s logic and his eagerness for a fight, swigged down part of a bottle pulled from his cloak. He ran for Tiki with a yell. A black tentacle rose to block him. He sank his teeth into it, and it began pounding him repeatedly into the floor.
Chaoji helped Linali up to sit on his shoulders. She raised her crutch crosswise in front of her in a defensive position. Chaoji charged into opening in Tiki’s mass of tentacles where they were busy attacking the Exorcists. Allen was hanging limply, barely conscious. As he stepped between the tentacles, Linali raised her crutch. Tiki turned his head sharply to regard her, and she swung it. It caught him under the chin with a loud crack.
Tiki staggered. He fell, the tentacles vanishing. Allen, Rabi, and Crowley dropped to the floor. They struggled to their feet, Allen clutching his throat. Rabi picked his hammer up.
Tiki remained unconscious on the floor, looking as he had before his strange transformation except for the bruise on his jaw.
Chaoji knelt down, and Linali slid off, putting her trusty crutch under one armpit and joining Allen where he stood looking down at Tiki. “Allen, are you all right?”
He was taking deep breaths. “Yes, I can breathe now. Thank you, Linali. We should get out of here.”
They all gathered around Tiki, who looked like he was sleeping peacefully. Rabi asked, “So, should we finish this one off? Because I don’t want to fight that ever again.”
Allen had just started to object when Jasdero and Devit shoved between him and Chaoji. They trained their guns on each of the Exorcists in turn. “Okay, back off! This is our freak with tentacles, thanks,” said Devit. The circle of Exorcists instinctively moved back a few steps, although Rabi and Linali raised their weapons warily.
“We’re taking him home, heehee!” Jasdero dropped to rest on his heels and raised Tiki to a sitting position. Devit kept his gun trained on Allen’s forehead with a look that dared Allen to try anything.
“Fine with me,” said Allen, his expression cold. He was relieved he didn’t have to deal with the possibility of killing Tiki, though-he was a human being, no matter how many people’s livers he’d ripped out, thought Allen virtuously. And despite the time he’d pulverized Allen’s arm. And poked a hole in his heart. And infected Suman with demon butterflies that ate him.
Allen’s expression glazed over as he tried to resolve his moral quandary in a way that didn’t involve hurting Tiki in any way. Devit raised his eyebrows.
“Allen, I’m not sure…” Crowley began.
“No, no, let them go!” said Rabi. He shuddered. “They can keep him!” Jasdero had put an arm under one of Tiki’s and was cheerfully dragging him past Linali, in the direction of the stairs leading to Rhode’s door. Linali debated hitting Jasdero with the crutch again, she didn’t want to interrupt the Noahs now that they were peacefully leaving.
“That’s settled, then,” said Allen, regaining his focus.
“We’ll come beat you up later,” said Devit conversationally, and followed after Jasdero. He took Tiki’s other arm and helped drag him up the stairs with no thought for bruises to Tiki. “I dunno how the damn Exorcists managed it, but I sure didn’t expect Tiki to lose,” he commented to Jasdero. “At least he’s back to normal now.”
“His shirt too, heehee!” said Jasdero, and they vanished up the stairs.
The Exorcists stood around reflecting on the events of the past hour.
“Good thing you injured your legs,” said Rabi eventually.
“Why thank you,” said Linali with a smile that was not entirely sincere, and hefted her crutch. It was good to know she had a weapon even without her Innocence-and somehow, it made a far more satisfying weapon.
Allen proffered his elbow, and he and Linali led the way to the stairs. At the top of the stairs, Rhode’s red and black checkered door awaited them. The Exorcists departed the crazy Ark.
The five members of the Noah Clan who’d had the misfortune to encounter Linali sat in the living room not meeting each other’s eyes. Skinn had a bandage around his head. Jasdero and Devit were holding ice wrapped in towels to their heads and scowling at the ceiling. Tiki was dabbing at his chin with a damp handkerchief and examining the pattern on the carpet. Rhode had no visible injury, but she was pressing a hand to her head and frowning. Lelo was cowering under her chair.
“Does anyone have any idea what just happened?” Tiki asked eventually. He shifted uncomfortably in his armchair.
“Not a clue,” said Rhode.
“I don’t remember,” said Skinn.
“And why am I covered in bruises when everyone else only hurt their head?” continued Tiki.
“I have no idea,” lied Devit.
“I remember that I was about to attack the enemy, and then…” Skinn, his brow furrowed, trailed off.
“Nothing happened to me,” declared Rhode. “I just remembered that I have a philosophy essay due this Wednesday.” Tiki regarded her doubtfully.
Jasdero was looking impatient. “It was the Exorcist girl! She hit us!” he shrieked.
The others turned to stare. “Huh?” said Devit.
“With her crutch!”
Rhode started laughing. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! It’s impossible to hit Noahs with a…with a…that.”
“Then why does Jasdero remember it?”
Lelo emerged from under Rhode’s chair. “The Earl told me about this, lelo! He said that one of the few weaknesses of the great Noahs is that they are incapable of believing they can be hit by a crutch!”
“Everyone knows that Innocence is our only weakness! Get out, umbrella” Rhode said, pointing at the door. Lelo sped out for a well-deserved rest.
“Yeah, we probably just fell down or something,” Devit told Jasdero. “Don’t be stupid.”
“But-” Jasdero stopped. Maybe he was imagining it. Everyone else sure seemed to think so, except for the umbrella, which didn’t count. However, there were definitely bruises on his and Devit’s heads, the kind of bruises that resulted from being smacked on the head with a crutch by a crazy Exorcist girl.
Tiki cleared his throat. “Whatever did or didn’t happen, I propose we pretend it didn’t. Everyone in favor?” He raised his hand.
Rhode, Skinn, and Devit promptly raised their hands. Jasdero hesitated a moment, then raised his as well.
Tiki straightened. “That’s settled, then. Dinner?”
“Sounds good,” said Skinn, who no longer looked perturbed.
Grinning, Devit set his pack of ice down on the arm of his chair. Rhode skipped happily into the hall as she led her family members to dinner.
Jasdero remained seated, trying to think. Yes, Jasdevi had definitely been hit with a crutch. Otherwise why had they been lying on the floor with bruises on their heads plotting to kill the Exorcist girl? Who had been holding a crutch. He had an image of her swinging the crutch at Tiki’s head, too.
Jasdero heard Devit coming back down the hall. “You coming?” he asked Jasdero.
“Hee! Yeah!”
And so Jasdero, the only Noah too stupid to forget that he’d been hit with a crutch, was left with the terrible knowledge of what had truly happened on the Ark. As the others chatted and argued happily over spaghetti, he hunched over his plate, morosely chewing on a piece of garlic bread, knowing that from now on he had to protect his family members from the threat of Chinese girls wielding crutches.
Commissioned drawing by Schmem. Thanks so, so much for the encouragement you gave me--and, of course, thanks for reading.
Prompt: 038. Encounter
Warning: If you object to Noahs being beaten with crutches, don't read this fanfic.
The Noah Clan discovered their secret weakness the day they challenged the Exorcists to a game inside their old Ark.
Or, strictly speaking, they failed to discover their weakness.
The moment of their undoing began when the Millennium Earl opened a portal beneath Linali Lee. With one hand she instinctively grasped for aid, and Allen seized it. With her other hand, she grabbed her crutch.
The first Noah to encounter one injured Exorcist, four uninjured Exorcists, and one Chinese sailor was Skinn Bolic. The Exorcists’ shrewd strategy for fighting him was, apparently, to stand around discussing who should do it.
“I’m staying behind, dammit!” insisted Kanda. “This is my Noah!”
“No, I’m staying behind, because I’m the main character and I probably won’t die!” said Allen.
“I should fight him because my shirt might get ripped off, which would be hot,” countered Kanda.
As Allen considered the undeniable merits of this argument, Skinn felt his rage building. Exorcists made him angry. Japanese people made him angry. British people made him angry, too. And katanas were really starting to piss him off.
“Um, guys, we’d better go,” said Linali, hobbling towards her bickering companions with the aid of a crutch.
Rabi held up his hands, cautioning her. “Linali…”
Unable to restrain himself any longer, Skinn charged towards Kanda and Allen, electricity sparking from his body. The two Exorcists looked up, eyes widening, and Kanda raised his katana in a defensive stance.
However, he didn’t need to use it, because Linali, feet planted as firmly as possible on the rocky ground, raised her crutch and caught Skinn Bolic on the forehead.
Skinn skidded to a halt before Kanda, who was too busy staring at Linali to attack him. The girl’s attack had not noticably hurt him, but he looked puzzled. He rubbed at his forehead with a meaty hand. He was very confused. “I don’t know what you just did, but I’ll never forgive you,” Skinn said.
The Exorcists watched as he staggered off to one side of the path. A door labeled “EXIT” appeared in the air. He opened it onto a view of Edo houses. As Skinn stepped through, Kanda gave a shout and bolted after the Noah, yelling “Come back and fight!” He slipped out behind the Noah. Allen frantically motioned his friends towards the door, but it vanished the moment Kanda had left the Ark.
“At least Kanda’s out of here,” said Allen. “And at this rate we’ll have plenty of time to find the next door.” He took Linali’s elbow and they stepped in the direction of a building upslope.
Rabi lingered a little behind with Crowley and Chaoji. “Did Linali just smack a Noah with a crutch?” he asked.
“I do believe she did,” said Crowley, coughing behind his hand.
Rabi thought about this. “Good job there,” he said.
Jasdero and Devit were sitting atop the library pillar that held the next door. They were playing Go Fish.
“Do you have any fours?” asked Jasdero hopefully.
“Go fish!”
Jasdero drew a card and glared at it.
“Okay…do you have any fours?” asked Devit.
“Hee! Go fish.”
“But you just asked me if I had any fours,” pointed out Devit.
“Go fish.” Jasdero stared intensely at the cards he held before his face.
“You do too have fours! I saw them!”
“Go fish!!” shrieked Jasdero.
“Give me your damn fours!” said Devit. He flung down his own hand of cards, which landed face up to reveal a four of hearts, and tried to pull Jasdero’s cards away from him.
Jasdero held on. “No!”
In the hitting-each-other-in-the-head that ensued, much of the draw pile was scattered onto the library floor twenty feet below. However, the twins soon concluded that the fours belonged to everyone and the game of Go Fish was ended without enmity. (They had not been hitting each other in the head very hard.)
“We suck at cheating, we should stop,” said Devit, sitting cross-legged while Jasdero picked up the cards remaining at the top of the pillar.
“Hee…!”
Just then a troupe of Exorcists walked through the library door looking like they meant business. Allen was in the lead, although a injured girl Exorcist with a particularly determined expression was close beside him.
“Oh shit!” Devit seized his pistol and leapt to his feet. “They’re early! What the hell was Skinn doing?”
“Heeee?” Jasdero dropped the cards he’d been picking up and raised his pistol.
The Exorcists stared as he and Devit took a few moments to achieve a properly dramatic pose in which they stood back to back with their guns raised. Devit glanced back to check that Jasdero’s pose was dramatic enough. Jasdero, an evil grin frozen on his face, nudged his twin meaningfully with his elbow.
“Uh, right.” Devit fixed a baleful glare on the Exorcists and pointed at them dramatically. “Allen Walker! We’re here to beat you up! I’m Devit!”
“Jasdero!” said Jasdero. “Together, we’re Jasdevi!”
“Nice to meet you,” said Allen automatically. Like the other Exorcists, his thought processes had been frozen by the sight of Jasdevi’s pants.
“Nice to meet you too!” Jasdero shrieked. “Now drop dead!”
The twins began shooting at Allen’s feet. Their attack broke the Exorcists’ pants-induced daze. Allen jumped back, holding his clawed arm in front of Linali. “Be careful, we don’t know what powers these Noahs have!” he cautioned the other Exorcists (and one Chinese sailor) as they retreated towards the doorway.
“They make people go blind with their pants!” said Rabi. He’d noticed these two Noahs from a distance, in Edo, but seeing them up close was another matter altogether.
Jasdero and Devit stopped shooting and leapt down from the pillar in one synchronized motion. Rabi screamed and covered his eye with his hand.
“It’s better than that, dumbass!” said Devit. He and Jasdero sauntered towards Allen. “But never mind you, redhead-”
“Although Jasdevi do hate redheads!” wailed Jasdero.
“-we’ve got a score to settle with Allen first!”
“What exactly did I do to you?” asked Allen. “I’ve never even met you before!”
Jasdero burst into tears. Allen had trouble feeling sorry for him, because Jasdero’s gun was pointed at his head.
“Surely it is a tale of woe,” said Crowley, whose Innocence was not presently activated.
“Damn right it is, Exorcist freak,” said Devit. Jasdero sniffled and wiped his eyes on his the arm bandages of his left arm, managing to keep his gun trained on Allen’s head as he did so. Devit began, “It all began on that fateful day when the Earl took us aside and said, Jasdevi-”
“-why aren’t you wearing any underwear,” said Jasdero, looking up from the arm bandages he was using as a tissue.
Horrified yet intrigued, Rabi peeked through his fingers. Devit was really showing some leg.
“No, not that day! The one where he took us aside and said, Jasdevi, I want you to-”
Behind Rabi, Crowley’s lower lip was trembling. “He called me a…” he said almost inaudibly. Linali looked back at him in concern.
“-go and do me this favor, there’s this one horrible man-” Devit was gesticulating angrily, absorbed in his story.
“How dare you!” Linali interrupted him.
“Huh?” said Devit.
“Linali?” asked Rabi as she pushed Allen aside. She was going towards the pants!
“How dare you call an innocent man such names!” said Linali. The twins glanced at Crowley, who had fought back his tears but still looked forlorn.
Devit looked over the motley group of Exorcists, trying to decide who to insult first in retaliation. He settled on Linali herself. “Oh yeah, hobble over here and say that, you Exorcist bitch!” His insult was less meaningful because she was only five feet away, but she took a short step forward. Jasdero watched her, unsure of how to react, because people who could barely walk usually didn’t try to walk towards Noahs.
Devit put a hand on his hip. “You want I should come over there and-”
Linali swung her crutch hard and hit him on the side of the head. He sprawled face-down onto the tile floor.
“Deviiiiit, noooo!” screamed Jasdero, and turned with a murderous expression towards Linali, who hit him with her crutch. He dropped his gun, stumbled backward, and tripped over Devit, who was lying on the floor in shock.
The Exorcists look down at the prone Jasdevi. “Should we finish them off?” Rabi asked eventually. He felt like he was being personally flashed by Devit.
“No, let’s just go,” said Allen, and they hurried through the next door, Allen assisting Linali. He was eager to put some distance between themselves and Jasdevi before they pulled themselves together and came after them.
Tiki was setting out plates on a long dining table in the highest building in what remained of the Old Ark. Lelo had just come flying through the window in a panic, babbling something in its strange umbrella speech. Rhode was trying to make sense of it. She shook Lelo. “What do you mean, they chased Skinn off? There’s no way he’d run from a battle with Exorcists.”
“No, no, no, lelo, they hit him with a-”
Rhode couldn’t catch the word. “What?” she demanded, whapping Lelo’s head on the floor.
“Lelo! And then he left, but an Exorcist chased after him lelo!”
“So he’s continuing his battle in Edo,” concluded Rhode. “Well, so long as the other Exorcists haven’t escaped our game.” Allen, for example, she thought.
Tiki straightened a burgundy cloth napkin and then looked alertly towards the door. “I think I hear something.”
“Huh? I don’t think so.” Rhode listened for a moment and made out the sound of multiple footsteps. “What on earth were the twins doing? Usually they’re quite creative with ways to slow the enemy down.” She released Lelo and pirouetted towards the table. “But never mind that, Allen’s here-”
The door began to swing open. Rhode grabbed a pointy candle she’d set by her chair and flew towards the door. “Aaaaaaalllleeeeeennnnnnnnn!” she called. She knew that Allen would be the one opening the door. (There was no way he’d allow that risk to his friends-it was so pathetically cute.) Rhode caught sight of Allen’s face through the partially-open door. He looked wary for any danger in the room, but there had been no time for him to register Rhode’s presence. She flung herself towards him, her pointy candle raised to eye level. Just as the first hint of surprise entered Allen’s expression, the candle slipped out of Rhode’s hands in her excitement. In the space of a millisecond, she changed her plans and reached out to put her arms around his neck instead. She let her leap carry her straight into a kiss with Allen.
She didn’t regret it. It was a very good kiss. It was probably better than eye-stabbing.
Rhode pulled away and was rewarded by the stunned look on Allen’s face. She danced her way back towards the dining table, snatching Lelo from the air on her way and including him in her twirls. Lelo seemed eager to tell her something, but she smacked it on the floor whenever it started to shriek out a warning. Rhode had more important things on her mind. “I stole Allen’s kiss!”
The other Exorcists looked between Allen and Rhode, speechless.
“It’s mine now!” cackled Rhode. She sat down, muffling Lelo by sitting on it and covering its mouth with her hand. Tiki closed the door, then hurried to his place at the head of the table as well. He cleared his throat and said, “That’s a beautiful sentiment, Rhode. Boy, boy’s friends, why don’t you sit down?” He indicated the table stretching out before them.
The four Exorcists and one Chinese sailor sat down, but did not touch the food. Rabi tapped his finger on the table. Allen folded his hands in front of him, like Tiki. Linali sat by Allen and leaned her crutch against her chair. Crowley stared down at his plate. Chaoji glared at the Noahs from the corner of his eye. There was an awkward silence of the sort feared at dinner parties.
Rabi raised his hand.
“Yes, Bookman’s apprentice?” said Tiki.
“Can you explain Jasdevi’s pants?”
“No, I can’t. Next question?”
Allen raised his hand. “Am I going to have to fight you in a one-on-one battle that both continues and parallels our previous encounter and culminates in my doing to you the equivalent of what you did to me when you destroyed my arm and poked a hole in my heart?”
“Yeah, I’m guessing you will,” said Tiki.
Rabi, Linali and Crowley were staring at Allen with expressions of shock.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had a hole in my heart for awhile there,” said Allen. “Nothing serious. Ha ha!” He turned back to Tiki. “We should get it over with.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Tiki, pushing back his chair and standing. Demonic butterflies pulsed from his gloved hands. Allen put his hands on the table and fixed Tiki with a look of determination. Rhode clapped her hands together in delight.
“Let’s begin in the traditional manner,” said Tiki. One of the butterflies fluttered over to land by Linali’s head. Its wingspan was larger than her head, and she pulled away in fear.
“By an attack on a third party, which allows you to show your selflessness and bravery in defending your friends,” said Tiki.
Linali groped for her crutch and smashed the butterfly into little bitty shards with the top of it.
Tiki looked put out. “Or that.” He jumped up on the table. Moments later, his man-eating butterflies and Allen’s claw clashed as they met in an epic encounter directly above the hors d'oeuvres. The other Exorcists ducked as ceramic plates and serving bowls went flying.
“Go Tiki!” cheered Rhode. Tiki and Allen leapt off the table, striking at each other with lightening speed but landing no hits. Their battle took them to the other end of the room. “Now it’s my turn,” said Rhode, and Rabi and Crowley slumped forward onto the table.
Linali and Chaoji cried out in alarm. “What just happened?” asked Linali nervously.
“I took them hostage with my mind,” said Rhode.
“How dare you,” said Linali. She stood on unsteady legs and with the aid of her crutch walked along the side of the long table towards Rhode. Chaoji cried a warning, but Linali kept going. She didn’t go very fast, which frustrated her, and since her Innocence wasn’t working she wasn’t sure what she’d do when she got to Rhode, although she had an idea.
Rhode was staring at her in puzzlement. She put her hands under her chin and laced her fingers together. Lelo managed to struggle out from under her and hovered before her face, saying “She’s the dangerous one, lelo! She hit him!”
“Don’t be stupid, Lelo, she’s perfectly harmless right now!” said Rhode. “Besides, you can’t stop Skinn just by hitting him, because he’ll hardly notice.”
“But she hit him with a crutch, lelo!”
“With a what?” Rhode regarded Lelo in disbelief.
“Her crutch!” Lelo turned a nervous eye to Linali, who was only a couple chairs away from his mistress.
“Huh?”
“That thing she’s holding, lelo!”
“Honestly, Lelo, what’s wrong with you today? Important things are going on, and you’re blathering at me.” Rhode pushed her chair back and walked up to Linali. Looking over her shoulder at Lelo, she said, “See, it’s perfectly safe! Besides, you know I can’t be hurt!”
Linali, taking the chance that had been given her, balanced herself as best she could and knocked Rhode over with her crutch. Rhode immediately stood up again. Linali raised her crutch for another swing. Rhode jumped back, looking unafraid but perplexed.
“Mistress Rhooooode! See!? This is what I was talking about, lelo!” cried the umbrella, bobbing back and forth frantically.
“No, I don’t see,” said Rhode. “What are you talking about? Nothing happened just now. At all.”
“I can demonstrate again if you’d like,” said Linali.
Rhode waved a hand vaguely at Linali, dismissing her. “Tiki, Tiki!!” she called over to her fellow Noah. He and Allen were busy destroying the wall, their powerful attacks crumbling sections of marble.
However, Tiki heard her. “What?” He held Allen’s claw back with one hand.
“Tikii, I’m leaving a bit early today. I have to go, um, do my homework,” said Rhode, picking up a spiky candle with one hand and tucking Lelo under her arm with the other. She trotted away from Linali, towards a space of floor where one of her curved doors emerged, shedding dust as it rose. Linali took a step towards it and had to catch herself with her crutch-there was no way she’d reach it in time. She glanced back. Rabi and Crowley were still slumped on the table. Allen was still caught up in his fight. Linali wasn’t going anywhere without her friends, even if she could reach the door.
“What!? Why!?” Tiki shouted across the room. He kicked Allen back when Allen tried to hit him.
“Oh, no reason,” said Rhode as she stepped through her portal. Lelo was screaming about not abandoning Tiki in the Ark. It tugged itself out of her grip and sailed back into the room right before Rhode vanished with her door.
Tiki didn’t understand why she’d left. But he shrugged it off and tried to plunge his hand through Allen’s skull. Allen sprang aside.
At the long dinner table, Rabi and Crowley sat up. Rabi looked around groggily.
Linali waved an arm at Allen. “Hey, Allen! Get Tiki to come over here!” Beating Noahs with a crutch was satisfying, true, but she’d never expected it to be so effective. It was time to put her discovery to good use in the fight against Tiki.
“What!? No!” Allen yelled back as Tiki tried to get through his defenses. “I’ll take care of him!”
“I’ll go help!” said Rabi, pulling out his hammer.
They were getting it all wrong, thought Linali. She tried the opposite tactic. “Hey, Tiki!” The Noah glanced at her. “Come fight me!”
“You planning a trap or something, Exorcist girl? Or are you saying I should take a hostage? I’ve had enough of this stalemate, so I’ll take you up on one or the other.” Tiki pivoted away from Allen and dashed towards Linali, fast. Nearly as fast as she’d been before she’d overexerted herself and gotten her injury.
“Nooo, Master Tiki! Lelooo!” wailed the sentient umbrella, but nobody cared.
Tiki jumped over the table, past Rabi, who swung his hammer and missed. He towered before Linali. Linali raised her crutch and brought it down on Tiki’s head with a loud crack.
There was a pause, the first silence since Allen and Tiki had begun their fight. The faint sound of buildings on the Ark's periphery crumbling away became audible. Tiki looked shocked. His eyes rolled up in his head and he started to fall over.
Linali was about to let out a cheer and propose that everyone head for the exit, but before Tiki could hit the tiles, an inky darkness rose from his feet and enveloped him. Linali leaned back from the force of it, which sent a wind whipping around the spot where Tiki had been. Her ankle gave out when she unthinkingly tried to step back, but Rabi was there, and caught her.
Vague shapes moved inside the Tiki-egg, and a black tentacle lashed out and cracked the table in two. Chaoji and Crowley jumped up from their seats and backed away. Linali stared at the tentacle.
“What the fuck,” said Rabi. “What just happened?”
“I hit him with my crutch, and he sprouted tentacles!” said Linali. This wasn’t so much a reason as a sequence of events with no logical connection, but it was the best she could do.
Allen appeared by their side. “I don’t know what he just turned into, but you probably shouldn’t stand by it.”
They backed away from whatever the hell Tiki had transformed into, the boys helping Linali, who held grimly onto her crutch. Chaoji and Crowley joined them. They watched the darkness surrounding Tiki clear like mist to reveal a man with a horned helmet and no shirt. Rabi was beginning to sense a pattern: the Noahs didn’t like clothes.
“I’ll fight him,” said Allen immediately. “Rabi, you and Crowley protect Chaoji and Linali.” He made certain that Linali was steady on her feet and ran for the new Tiki, yelling “Cross Grave!”
Transformed Tiki roared as Allen’s attack singed him. He whipped tentacles around to hit Allen, several of his blows landing on Allen’s raised claw. Allen’s companions circled around to the other side of the room, Linali half-carried by Rabi and dragging her crutch.
“I would rather not bite that, but I shall attempt to help Allen,” said Crowley, pulling a bottle from his cloak and chugging down a third of the remnants of the poor departed Chomesuke. He threw the bottle aside, wiped his lips, and pounced on a tentacle with a feral cry. Tiki began smacking him against the floor with the tentacle while he pursued Allen.
“I should probably go help too,” said Rabi nervously. “Maybe I can set it on fire.”
“Er, Rabi…” said Linali. Rabi ran towards Tiki with a brave cry.
“I’ll just stand here, then,” said Chaoji, wringing his hands.
Allen was trying to wade through tentacles to get at Tiki himself, and Crowley was being smacked against the floor with the tentacle he’d sunk his teeth into. “Fire Seal!” screamed Rabi, and hit the ground by Tiki, who caught on fire.
Unfortunately, the fire didn’t actually hurt Tiki. It merely coated him in a layer of flame. Allen ran away, and Crowley had to let go of the tentacle and beat the flames out of the edge of his cloak. Tiki’s mouth gaped open, and he laughed.
“Err…” said Rabi. He had to admit that the tentacled, shirtless Tiki was about ten times more scary when he was on fire, not to mention laughing, and it was his fault. “Water Seal!” he shouted, trying to make it better.
Rain showered down throughout the room, puddling on the floor. Tiki’s flames died down, but he still smoldered in a way that didn’t appear to hurt him. Lelo, which had been cowering in the corner, obeyed its ancient umbrella instincts and opened up.
Allen, running to a better attack position, slipped on a puddle. He pushed himself to his feet with his claw and glared at Rabi. “Could you sit this one out, Rabi?”
“I concur,” said Crowley stiffly.
“Ha ha! Sorry!” said Rabi.
Crowley looked at the smoldering Tiki. Tiki’s black tentacles glowed with an orange sheen of flame. “I’m not sure I should bite that unless I have to. I’ll protect Linali and Chaoji.” He moved to stand between them and the transformed Noah.
Everyone-except, apparently, Tiki-was wet from Rabi’s failed attack. Linali hugged her shoulders and shivered. It didn’t help that part of her upper legs was bare.
“Have my shirt,” said Chaoji, removing it.
“Oh you don’t have to do that,” said Linali.
“I want to help,” said Chaoji, now in his undershirt, and handed it over.
“Oh, thank you,” said Linali, draping his shirt over her legs.
Rabi sat on a pile of rubble by the door, feeling like a failure. Allen and the partially flaming Tiki continued their battle. Allen swiped repeatedly at Tiki, but tentacles blocked his every attack.
Rabi heard a noise from behind the door. He turned to look at it, puzzled, and watched as it was shoved open.
Devit and Jasdero were framed in the open half of the doorway. Devit yelled, “Okay, Exorcists-what the fuck is that?” He pointed at the tentacled Tiki.
“A monster!” yelled Jasdero.
“We should shoot it!” concluded Devit. He brandished his gun.
“Yeah, yeah!”
Lelo closed and sprang from its corner. “No, Master Jasdevi! That’s Tiki!”
The twins took a second look. Apparently Tiki’s inner self liked tentacles, unicorn horns, and going around shirtless.
“Let’s shoot him anyway,” proposed Devit.
“Okay!” said Jasdero.
“No!” screamed Lelo, who was having a very bad day that no umbrella deserves.
“Why not?” asked Devit, who had no respect for umbrellas or what kind of day they were having.
“You should fight the bad Exorcists instead, lelo!” said Lelo wretchedly.
“Oh yeah, them!” said Jasdero. He and Devit looked around the room. Tiki was wearing down Allen’s defenses by slow degrees. Linali and the bystander were sitting behind the older Exorcist. And Rabi was sitting nearby on a pile of rubble, looking kind of scared.
Jasdevi’s gaze settled on the closest target. They swaggered towards Rabi, who replied with a look that implied their fashion sense held no fear for him after he had beheld the awakened Tiki. “Hey, Exorcist,” called Devit.
“Hi,” said Rabi wearily.
“Watcha doing?” asked Devit. Rabi could see a bruise on his cheek.
“Watching that,” said Rabi, nodding towards the epic Allen-getting-smacked-by-tentacles battle.
“Ah,” said Devit. “It is quite a sight.” He and Jasdero sat down on the pile of rubble, Devit next to Rabi and Jasdero close by Devit, to watch the fight.
“Um, Master Jasdevi…” began Lelo, sidling up to them in midair. Jasdero shot at it, and it flew off with a squeal towards the top of the tower, calling back that it had had enough and was going home.
“Wow, I hope our inner Noah never awakens,” said Devit as they watched the awakened Tiki.
“Heehee!” Jasdero absently rubbed at the top of his head.
“So his inner Noah awakened, you said?” Rabi wasn’t sure what they meant, but as the future Bookman he thought he’d dig for information.
“Looks like it,” Devit said critically. Jasdero nodded.
“What exactly is an ‘inner Noah?’” asked Rabi. It didn’t sound healthy.
“It’s the Noah within,” said Devit. He grinned as Tiki landed a particularly harsh blow on Allen’s head.
“I’d better go help him,” said Rabi, grabbing his hammer and beginning to stand. Devit seized his arm, and Jasdero’s death grip on his wrist followed moments later.
“You have to listen to Jasdevi’s story!” said Jasdero, grinning at Rabi with an expression that could be reasonably described as insane.
“Er…what story is this?” Glancing between the twin Noahs and the battle, Rabi saw Crowley join the fight. Tiki’s flames had died down, allowing Crowley to use his fangs. Reluctantly, Rabi sat down again. Devit let go, but Jasdero, reaching across his twin’s lap, kept his grinding hold on Rabi’s wrist.
“Long, long ago-” began Devit, spreading his hands.
“-there was a princess who had lost her parents!” said Jasdero.
“…and his name was Noah. Wait, no!” He glared at Jasdero for a moment. “We mean, there was this guy named Noah, right? And he built a boat and stuff. Anyway, after he died, part of his will lived on!”
“Like zombies!”
“Right! But cooler. And we’re Noah’s bonds, and Tiki is Noah’s pleasure-” Devit paused so he and Jasdero could snicker at this. “And so on,” he concluded.
Rabi pulled a small notebook and pencil from his pocket with his hand not captured by Jasdero and jotted this down for future reference. “So, um…” He looked at Jasdero and Devit, who were grinning. They looked happy to answer any questions about their abridged story. “So you embody part of Noah’s inner self?”
“That’s right!” they said.
“And you’re the bondage Noahs?”
“No!” they cried, looking disgusted. Jasdero snatched his hand away from Rabi’s wrist and looked at him like he was unclean.
Devit pointed at Tiki. “He’s the perverted one!”
In his notebook, Rabi wrote down “the perverted one” and drew an arrow to “Tiki.” He regarded the twins from the corner of his eye. Devit shifted to sitting cross-legged as he turned his attention back to the battle. Devit’s short was riding up, or would be if it had any farther to go. Rabi put a question mark by “Devit” and “Jasdero.” Then he wrote “Rhode: panties” in the margin for good measure. Then there’d been the kissing incident. For all the facts in his mind, there were so many things Rabi didn’t understand.
“Why are you starting at my leg?” asked Devit, eyes narrowed.
“Pervert!” shrieked Jasdero, and stood threateningly.
“No, no, I wasn’t, I was just thinking!” Rabi raised his hands placatingly. “I was trying to figure out this inner Noah thing.”
“It really isn’t that hard,” said Devit. “You dumbass.”
Jasdero sat back down on the pile of masonry. “Everybody’s from a different part of Noah’s mind!” he said.
“Wait,” said Rabi, realization dawning. “What you’re saying is that first guy-”
“Skinn,” said Jasdero.
Rabi nodded and wrote the name down. He began counting off on his fingers. “He was Noah’s inner Big Dumb Angry Guy, and you two are Noah’s inner Scary Clowns-”
Jasdero and Devit glanced at each other.
“-and Tiki’s his inner Secretly Hot Hobo, and Rhode’s his inner Goth-Loli?”
There was a pause in which, on the other side of the room, Tiki continued to beat up Allen.
“Yeah, pretty much,” said Devit.
Jasdero, having nothing to add to this, glanced over to the ongoing fight and shrieked. “Look, the battle’s getting interesting!”
Allen was facing off against Tiki, who had a massive sphere of dark energy surrounding his hand. Allen’s cloak whipped back from the force of it. Tiki plunged his fist towards Allen, who raised his claw to block. There was a blinding flash of light. Allen staggered back, clutching his bleeding left shoulder. Tiki’s hand shot out and seized Allen by the throat. He lifted Allen off the ground.
While the twins were cheering, Rabi jumped up, hefting his hammer. “Allen!” He sprinted across the spacious room to Tiki and swung his hammer towards the base of the tentacle holding Allen. Before it hit, another tentacle tore Rabi’s weapon from his hands. Rabi cried out. Tiki hit him across the face with his arm. He fell into a mass of tentacles, one of which lifted him up by his foot.
The twins watched with interest. They made no move to get up and help. Tiki may have lost his mind and turned into a tentacle unicorn with no shirt, but they trusted his ability to handle the Exorcists himself. Besides, they had been taught never to go near perverts with tentacles.
Others did not have as much choice. When she saw Tiki begin choking Allen, Linali, too, had struggled to her feet with her crutch and a helping hand from Chaoji.“I need to beat him with my crutch again,” she told Chaoji and Crowley.
Crowley, his fangs showing, frowned. “That’s a bad idea. Just look what happened the first time.”
Linali shook her head. “I know, but I think it was the shock that made him turn into that in the first place. Another shock may change him back. Besides, it might be our only chance! We have to hurry!” Allen was struggling weakly against Tiki’s chokehold. He was slipping out of consciousness, and his Innocence was deactivated. Rabi still reached vainly for his hammer.
“It’s too dangerous,” said Crowley. “You should leave, and I’ll save them.”
“We’re all leaving together,” countered Linali. In the distance, she could hear the sound of buildings crumbling into nothingness. “Chaoji, please help get me into reach of Tiki. Crowley, you distract him.”
“Yes, ma’am!” said Chaoji.
Crowley, abandoning his objections in face of Linali’s logic and his eagerness for a fight, swigged down part of a bottle pulled from his cloak. He ran for Tiki with a yell. A black tentacle rose to block him. He sank his teeth into it, and it began pounding him repeatedly into the floor.
Chaoji helped Linali up to sit on his shoulders. She raised her crutch crosswise in front of her in a defensive position. Chaoji charged into opening in Tiki’s mass of tentacles where they were busy attacking the Exorcists. Allen was hanging limply, barely conscious. As he stepped between the tentacles, Linali raised her crutch. Tiki turned his head sharply to regard her, and she swung it. It caught him under the chin with a loud crack.
Tiki staggered. He fell, the tentacles vanishing. Allen, Rabi, and Crowley dropped to the floor. They struggled to their feet, Allen clutching his throat. Rabi picked his hammer up.
Tiki remained unconscious on the floor, looking as he had before his strange transformation except for the bruise on his jaw.
Chaoji knelt down, and Linali slid off, putting her trusty crutch under one armpit and joining Allen where he stood looking down at Tiki. “Allen, are you all right?”
He was taking deep breaths. “Yes, I can breathe now. Thank you, Linali. We should get out of here.”
They all gathered around Tiki, who looked like he was sleeping peacefully. Rabi asked, “So, should we finish this one off? Because I don’t want to fight that ever again.”
Allen had just started to object when Jasdero and Devit shoved between him and Chaoji. They trained their guns on each of the Exorcists in turn. “Okay, back off! This is our freak with tentacles, thanks,” said Devit. The circle of Exorcists instinctively moved back a few steps, although Rabi and Linali raised their weapons warily.
“We’re taking him home, heehee!” Jasdero dropped to rest on his heels and raised Tiki to a sitting position. Devit kept his gun trained on Allen’s forehead with a look that dared Allen to try anything.
“Fine with me,” said Allen, his expression cold. He was relieved he didn’t have to deal with the possibility of killing Tiki, though-he was a human being, no matter how many people’s livers he’d ripped out, thought Allen virtuously. And despite the time he’d pulverized Allen’s arm. And poked a hole in his heart. And infected Suman with demon butterflies that ate him.
Allen’s expression glazed over as he tried to resolve his moral quandary in a way that didn’t involve hurting Tiki in any way. Devit raised his eyebrows.
“Allen, I’m not sure…” Crowley began.
“No, no, let them go!” said Rabi. He shuddered. “They can keep him!” Jasdero had put an arm under one of Tiki’s and was cheerfully dragging him past Linali, in the direction of the stairs leading to Rhode’s door. Linali debated hitting Jasdero with the crutch again, she didn’t want to interrupt the Noahs now that they were peacefully leaving.
“That’s settled, then,” said Allen, regaining his focus.
“We’ll come beat you up later,” said Devit conversationally, and followed after Jasdero. He took Tiki’s other arm and helped drag him up the stairs with no thought for bruises to Tiki. “I dunno how the damn Exorcists managed it, but I sure didn’t expect Tiki to lose,” he commented to Jasdero. “At least he’s back to normal now.”
“His shirt too, heehee!” said Jasdero, and they vanished up the stairs.
The Exorcists stood around reflecting on the events of the past hour.
“Good thing you injured your legs,” said Rabi eventually.
“Why thank you,” said Linali with a smile that was not entirely sincere, and hefted her crutch. It was good to know she had a weapon even without her Innocence-and somehow, it made a far more satisfying weapon.
Allen proffered his elbow, and he and Linali led the way to the stairs. At the top of the stairs, Rhode’s red and black checkered door awaited them. The Exorcists departed the crazy Ark.
The five members of the Noah Clan who’d had the misfortune to encounter Linali sat in the living room not meeting each other’s eyes. Skinn had a bandage around his head. Jasdero and Devit were holding ice wrapped in towels to their heads and scowling at the ceiling. Tiki was dabbing at his chin with a damp handkerchief and examining the pattern on the carpet. Rhode had no visible injury, but she was pressing a hand to her head and frowning. Lelo was cowering under her chair.
“Does anyone have any idea what just happened?” Tiki asked eventually. He shifted uncomfortably in his armchair.
“Not a clue,” said Rhode.
“I don’t remember,” said Skinn.
“And why am I covered in bruises when everyone else only hurt their head?” continued Tiki.
“I have no idea,” lied Devit.
“I remember that I was about to attack the enemy, and then…” Skinn, his brow furrowed, trailed off.
“Nothing happened to me,” declared Rhode. “I just remembered that I have a philosophy essay due this Wednesday.” Tiki regarded her doubtfully.
Jasdero was looking impatient. “It was the Exorcist girl! She hit us!” he shrieked.
The others turned to stare. “Huh?” said Devit.
“With her crutch!”
Rhode started laughing. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! It’s impossible to hit Noahs with a…with a…that.”
“Then why does Jasdero remember it?”
Lelo emerged from under Rhode’s chair. “The Earl told me about this, lelo! He said that one of the few weaknesses of the great Noahs is that they are incapable of believing they can be hit by a crutch!”
“Everyone knows that Innocence is our only weakness! Get out, umbrella” Rhode said, pointing at the door. Lelo sped out for a well-deserved rest.
“Yeah, we probably just fell down or something,” Devit told Jasdero. “Don’t be stupid.”
“But-” Jasdero stopped. Maybe he was imagining it. Everyone else sure seemed to think so, except for the umbrella, which didn’t count. However, there were definitely bruises on his and Devit’s heads, the kind of bruises that resulted from being smacked on the head with a crutch by a crazy Exorcist girl.
Tiki cleared his throat. “Whatever did or didn’t happen, I propose we pretend it didn’t. Everyone in favor?” He raised his hand.
Rhode, Skinn, and Devit promptly raised their hands. Jasdero hesitated a moment, then raised his as well.
Tiki straightened. “That’s settled, then. Dinner?”
“Sounds good,” said Skinn, who no longer looked perturbed.
Grinning, Devit set his pack of ice down on the arm of his chair. Rhode skipped happily into the hall as she led her family members to dinner.
Jasdero remained seated, trying to think. Yes, Jasdevi had definitely been hit with a crutch. Otherwise why had they been lying on the floor with bruises on their heads plotting to kill the Exorcist girl? Who had been holding a crutch. He had an image of her swinging the crutch at Tiki’s head, too.
Jasdero heard Devit coming back down the hall. “You coming?” he asked Jasdero.
“Hee! Yeah!”
And so Jasdero, the only Noah too stupid to forget that he’d been hit with a crutch, was left with the terrible knowledge of what had truly happened on the Ark. As the others chatted and argued happily over spaghetti, he hunched over his plate, morosely chewing on a piece of garlic bread, knowing that from now on he had to protect his family members from the threat of Chinese girls wielding crutches.
Commissioned drawing by Schmem. Thanks so, so much for the encouragement you gave me--and, of course, thanks for reading.