[he] looks like the real thing...
i made the mistake of going to bed angry last night. joel and i got into a sort of argument, and he was giving me the cold shoulder when we went to bed. it pissed me off, and i was really cold to him all night and this morning.
i'm just so insecure about our relationship. i mean, i've never been with someone who treated me right. he treats me the way i know - intellectually - that i should be treated, but deep down i feel like i don't deserve it. too much shit's happened to me over the years to be completely whole. i don't know what a good relationship is like, and now that i've found one, i don't know how to handle it. the feeling is so new it's scary. i'm honestly scared of the relationship i'm in. it's nothing like before, when i felt like i was somehow less of a person. it's just that i feel like i'm not good enough. i don't feel like i'm a good enough person to deserve what i have now. i'm like... a poem i wrote years ago...
oh, you think you can fix me now?
oh yeah, like humpty dumpty
and that old china vase
whole, yet still cracked
i feel like i'm a carefully put together person, and i'm still fragile. i'm ALSO afraid that i'll fuck things up with my insecurities. i've always fucked up relationships in the past, and i'm afraid it'll happen again. i don't know HOW to be in a good relationship, just from lack of experience with them. my relationships have NEVER been healthy, so i have no basis for the knowledge of it. i'm just making it up as i go along, and i'm afraid i'll make the wrong move and lose something that has the potential to be good for me. i'm so scared that i'll somehow do something wrong. i don't know what i'm doing here.
oh, and for you all to know, joel and i moved in together a couple of days ago. i'm not sure if that was a mistake or not, but it's too late to change it now.
and one other thing: joel's been saying the "L" word a lot lately. i feel bad about it because i don't know if what i'm feeling is love, so i can't say it back. i don't know if he understands the true import of that word; the use of it scares me a little. i don't know anything anymore...
i'm just so insecure about our relationship. i mean, i've never been with someone who treated me right. he treats me the way i know - intellectually - that i should be treated, but deep down i feel like i don't deserve it. too much shit's happened to me over the years to be completely whole. i don't know what a good relationship is like, and now that i've found one, i don't know how to handle it. the feeling is so new it's scary. i'm honestly scared of the relationship i'm in. it's nothing like before, when i felt like i was somehow less of a person. it's just that i feel like i'm not good enough. i don't feel like i'm a good enough person to deserve what i have now. i'm like... a poem i wrote years ago...
oh, you think you can fix me now?
oh yeah, like humpty dumpty
and that old china vase
whole, yet still cracked
i feel like i'm a carefully put together person, and i'm still fragile. i'm ALSO afraid that i'll fuck things up with my insecurities. i've always fucked up relationships in the past, and i'm afraid it'll happen again. i don't know HOW to be in a good relationship, just from lack of experience with them. my relationships have NEVER been healthy, so i have no basis for the knowledge of it. i'm just making it up as i go along, and i'm afraid i'll make the wrong move and lose something that has the potential to be good for me. i'm so scared that i'll somehow do something wrong. i don't know what i'm doing here.
oh, and for you all to know, joel and i moved in together a couple of days ago. i'm not sure if that was a mistake or not, but it's too late to change it now.
and one other thing: joel's been saying the "L" word a lot lately. i feel bad about it because i don't know if what i'm feeling is love, so i can't say it back. i don't know if he understands the true import of that word; the use of it scares me a little. i don't know anything anymore...