Acceptance
While traveling over the holidays, I got a fortune from a fortune cookie that said "Accept yourself". So simple, and yet I almost started bawling in the middle of the sushi restaurant. Traveling with my sister and her husband and my father and stepmother to visit aunts and uncles and pairs of cousins had left me feeling uncoupled and alone, and those two little words created a whole mess of internal struggle.
I have a large family. I've never felt terribly comfortable in large groups, especially in situations where I don't choose the attendees. If there was ever a party where you don't get to pick the guests, it's your family. Throw in immediate family, extended family, stepfamilies, in-laws, friends who've been around long enough to count as family, and it adds up to a lot of people from a lot of different backgrounds and a lot of different locations that I'm supposed to feel connected to.
I tend to view my family as though we were a spot the five differences game. My stepsiblings are very Catholic (one is a priest!), so they obviously judge me for my super-liberal politics. Those stepcousins are Yankees, so they can't understand why I like to shoot guns and listen to country music. The women in my mother's family love plastic surgery and spinning classes, so they must think I'm a freak. It's incredibly easy to label people as 'other', especially when you see them maybe once a year. If I can accept myself as a multifaceted being, I want to stop judging my family on one-off personality factors and start seeing everyone as the multifaceted beings they are. I want to embrace the microcosm of society that my very blended family is. Goal number one for this year.
I went in to this New Year's Eve with the resolution of being sluttier in 2009. I came out with the realization that I feel incredibly safe when I'm with groups of men I respect. My feminist core has been trembling all day. I'm a strong, independent woman with strong, independent female friends working in an environment full of strong, independent women. Why do I feel more confident walking down the street with two men? Why do I feel so comfortable and secure laying on the couch with my head on one boy's chest and my legs in another boy's lap? (And when did I become such a toucher? I'm not a toucher. How drunk was I last night?)
In the spirit of my Christmas fortune cookie, I'm going to accept for now that I feel safer in general walking in a group of people. I didn't feel safe going to Subway with two guys because I've bought into the patriarchy's idea that they would somehow protect me should trouble strike, but they were tall enough to hide behind should we have run into any suspicious characters. I'm also going to accept the fact that sounding like a bad 80s tv show life lesson is ok. Slutty is fun, intimacy can be nice as well, and it's perfectly acceptable to live alone with your cat. At least until I turn 30. Mantra for 2009 complete.
I'm going into this year with a sense of optimism that I don't usually feel, especially at the beginning of the year. I'm going continue to say President Obama as much as possible and enjoy saying it even more once it becomes official. I have a job, working with people I delight in talking to on a daily basis. I've created even more family in the small group of friends I have here, providing me with the most awesome adventures and all the companionship I need at the moment. There will always be prospects for things I want to do. I have dreams that I can accomplish this year.
And by publishing this on the internet, it all becomes true and important.
I have a large family. I've never felt terribly comfortable in large groups, especially in situations where I don't choose the attendees. If there was ever a party where you don't get to pick the guests, it's your family. Throw in immediate family, extended family, stepfamilies, in-laws, friends who've been around long enough to count as family, and it adds up to a lot of people from a lot of different backgrounds and a lot of different locations that I'm supposed to feel connected to.
I tend to view my family as though we were a spot the five differences game. My stepsiblings are very Catholic (one is a priest!), so they obviously judge me for my super-liberal politics. Those stepcousins are Yankees, so they can't understand why I like to shoot guns and listen to country music. The women in my mother's family love plastic surgery and spinning classes, so they must think I'm a freak. It's incredibly easy to label people as 'other', especially when you see them maybe once a year. If I can accept myself as a multifaceted being, I want to stop judging my family on one-off personality factors and start seeing everyone as the multifaceted beings they are. I want to embrace the microcosm of society that my very blended family is. Goal number one for this year.
I went in to this New Year's Eve with the resolution of being sluttier in 2009. I came out with the realization that I feel incredibly safe when I'm with groups of men I respect. My feminist core has been trembling all day. I'm a strong, independent woman with strong, independent female friends working in an environment full of strong, independent women. Why do I feel more confident walking down the street with two men? Why do I feel so comfortable and secure laying on the couch with my head on one boy's chest and my legs in another boy's lap? (And when did I become such a toucher? I'm not a toucher. How drunk was I last night?)
In the spirit of my Christmas fortune cookie, I'm going to accept for now that I feel safer in general walking in a group of people. I didn't feel safe going to Subway with two guys because I've bought into the patriarchy's idea that they would somehow protect me should trouble strike, but they were tall enough to hide behind should we have run into any suspicious characters. I'm also going to accept the fact that sounding like a bad 80s tv show life lesson is ok. Slutty is fun, intimacy can be nice as well, and it's perfectly acceptable to live alone with your cat. At least until I turn 30. Mantra for 2009 complete.
I'm going into this year with a sense of optimism that I don't usually feel, especially at the beginning of the year. I'm going continue to say President Obama as much as possible and enjoy saying it even more once it becomes official. I have a job, working with people I delight in talking to on a daily basis. I've created even more family in the small group of friends I have here, providing me with the most awesome adventures and all the companionship I need at the moment. There will always be prospects for things I want to do. I have dreams that I can accomplish this year.
And by publishing this on the internet, it all becomes true and important.