Autumn Thoughts
Autumn is my favorite time of year, it has been ever since I can remember. Nothing picked me up and made me grin ear to ear like stepping out of the house into the crisp fall air, the colored leaves falling on the ground, the whiff of apples and cinnamon drifting from neighbors houses. Fall, I have always maintained, has it's own scent to the season.
Unfortunately though, for the past several years, as much as this is my favorite time of year it has also been the time when I am most depressed - for the loss of loved ones starting on an innocuous Tuesday in mid-August 2004 with the loss of a friend that I had lost touch with (thanks to the influence of Steve, aka JerkFace). I was about to reach out to this friend, whom I had loved to argue and debate with since meeting him online during high school, and apologize for being so distant and ask for his forgiveness to see if we could move forward. Shortly thereafter I learned through a mutual friend that he had been brutally attacked in his own apartment, bound, gagged, and hung... and the Arizona police ruled it a suicide. (Show me the person who can bind his own ankles and wrists with someone else's belt managing NOT to get any of his own fingerprints on them, gag himself with someone else's tie -again not getting his own fingerprints on them, and hang himself in his apartment without leaving a suicide note or any indication/past history of such attempts and I'll show you a dirty Arizona cop who deserves to die in a similar fashion in my less than humbled opinion, probably several.)
Then there was the early September 2005 loss of another friend. This friend had a history or depression and attempted suicide, he was soulful and artistic and always amazing to talk to. He wrote great poetry, enjoyed gaming, was intelligent, kept an open mind and rarely judged anyone except by their own merits and his experiences with them, and was always available to talk to his friends. Things seemed to be going well in his life. He had bought a house with his long time girlfriend (on and off for eight years), was taking on the stepfather role for her then 11 year old son, and had a solid job. But something must have felt empty because he slit his wrists on a Tuesday morning and bled out in his bathtub as opposed to going to work.
And of course we all remember the late October 2006 loss of one very dear to the majority of you on my friend's list here. That fateful day that our beloved Travis was driving in to work at a job he was, to say the least, not fond of, but felt that he needed to be responsible in his adult life and was hit head on by another - young and distracted (since toxicology tests came back negative) driver, where they escaped with hardly any issues and Travis was likely dead on impact. So full of life, so young, and despite the cliche - gone in the blink of an eye. To lose someone who gave out bear hugs that picked you off the ground while simultaneously squeezing the breath out of you and filling you with joy and love. Every time Travis nearly suffocated me in his arms, as he did to all his female friends, I became a little bit of a better person. His discipline, humor, comfort, easy going relaxed attitude, emotional intelligence, protective attitude, general intellect, fun-loving personality, gentle nature, and rock-solid strength as a human being - he was the best friend anyone could ever hope for. Not to be sacrilegious but he's kind of how I picture Jesus would have been, and I imagine the closest I'll ever come to understanding that aspect of Christianity.
Finally, last but in no way least was the loss of my cousin in March 2008 through means of suicide. He had a long history of depression, and suicide attempts. No less than a dozen times was he saved by some miracle. But in the end he was determined and he finally succeeded. His loss has given me a whole different view on suicide. While I still hate it and it angers me I am as close to at peace as I can be now, I only hope that he is happy in achieving his goals and managed to accomplish what he wanted out of the act. While I miss him, and I will always remember him as the somewhat annoyed, but still playful DM to his younger brother and myself in our midnight sessions while we snuck out of our bedrooms in grade school through high school on our summer family visits. Through the years we drifted apart, but after his funeral and going through his home with my closest relative, my cousin Todd, his younger brother - after seeing his reading material, the random writings he had done, his collections, his million and a quarter half-finished DIY projects around the house, and his clear preparations for his final act I know now that the distance between us was my loss. He would have fit in perfectly in my group of friends. He was sarcastic and silly, concerned about others, always willing to try something new, spontaneous enough to go to California for a long weekend on a whim (and other such crazy-awesomeness), frightfully intelligent, and just all around a great person. As much as I miss him and the opportunity I missed to get to know him better as we both became adults, the hardest part was watching his younger brother torn apart at the seems by his suicide. I love Todd with all my heart and have always tried my best to protect him from those who would hurt him, which was impossible in this case - and I was torn between wanting to comfort and hide Todd from reality --- especially hard to do when he was the first one on the scene, the one who had to identify his brother's remains for the police, still in tact at the location, and the one who had to clean up the brains and blood off the basement walls and floor and couch --- and wanting to just grieve along side him and everyone else.
I always do my bulk grieving in fall. Partly because that's when 75% of these things happened, and partly because I can't share the things I love with all of the people that I do.
But despite all this, ever since it has smelled like fall (late last week) I have been walking around with a smile on my face.
Remembering the good times with the people I had, and planning for more with those that I still have. What more could one ask for? What else is life all about?
Unfortunately though, for the past several years, as much as this is my favorite time of year it has also been the time when I am most depressed - for the loss of loved ones starting on an innocuous Tuesday in mid-August 2004 with the loss of a friend that I had lost touch with (thanks to the influence of Steve, aka JerkFace). I was about to reach out to this friend, whom I had loved to argue and debate with since meeting him online during high school, and apologize for being so distant and ask for his forgiveness to see if we could move forward. Shortly thereafter I learned through a mutual friend that he had been brutally attacked in his own apartment, bound, gagged, and hung... and the Arizona police ruled it a suicide. (Show me the person who can bind his own ankles and wrists with someone else's belt managing NOT to get any of his own fingerprints on them, gag himself with someone else's tie -again not getting his own fingerprints on them, and hang himself in his apartment without leaving a suicide note or any indication/past history of such attempts and I'll show you a dirty Arizona cop who deserves to die in a similar fashion in my less than humbled opinion, probably several.)
Then there was the early September 2005 loss of another friend. This friend had a history or depression and attempted suicide, he was soulful and artistic and always amazing to talk to. He wrote great poetry, enjoyed gaming, was intelligent, kept an open mind and rarely judged anyone except by their own merits and his experiences with them, and was always available to talk to his friends. Things seemed to be going well in his life. He had bought a house with his long time girlfriend (on and off for eight years), was taking on the stepfather role for her then 11 year old son, and had a solid job. But something must have felt empty because he slit his wrists on a Tuesday morning and bled out in his bathtub as opposed to going to work.
And of course we all remember the late October 2006 loss of one very dear to the majority of you on my friend's list here. That fateful day that our beloved Travis was driving in to work at a job he was, to say the least, not fond of, but felt that he needed to be responsible in his adult life and was hit head on by another - young and distracted (since toxicology tests came back negative) driver, where they escaped with hardly any issues and Travis was likely dead on impact. So full of life, so young, and despite the cliche - gone in the blink of an eye. To lose someone who gave out bear hugs that picked you off the ground while simultaneously squeezing the breath out of you and filling you with joy and love. Every time Travis nearly suffocated me in his arms, as he did to all his female friends, I became a little bit of a better person. His discipline, humor, comfort, easy going relaxed attitude, emotional intelligence, protective attitude, general intellect, fun-loving personality, gentle nature, and rock-solid strength as a human being - he was the best friend anyone could ever hope for. Not to be sacrilegious but he's kind of how I picture Jesus would have been, and I imagine the closest I'll ever come to understanding that aspect of Christianity.
Finally, last but in no way least was the loss of my cousin in March 2008 through means of suicide. He had a long history of depression, and suicide attempts. No less than a dozen times was he saved by some miracle. But in the end he was determined and he finally succeeded. His loss has given me a whole different view on suicide. While I still hate it and it angers me I am as close to at peace as I can be now, I only hope that he is happy in achieving his goals and managed to accomplish what he wanted out of the act. While I miss him, and I will always remember him as the somewhat annoyed, but still playful DM to his younger brother and myself in our midnight sessions while we snuck out of our bedrooms in grade school through high school on our summer family visits. Through the years we drifted apart, but after his funeral and going through his home with my closest relative, my cousin Todd, his younger brother - after seeing his reading material, the random writings he had done, his collections, his million and a quarter half-finished DIY projects around the house, and his clear preparations for his final act I know now that the distance between us was my loss. He would have fit in perfectly in my group of friends. He was sarcastic and silly, concerned about others, always willing to try something new, spontaneous enough to go to California for a long weekend on a whim (and other such crazy-awesomeness), frightfully intelligent, and just all around a great person. As much as I miss him and the opportunity I missed to get to know him better as we both became adults, the hardest part was watching his younger brother torn apart at the seems by his suicide. I love Todd with all my heart and have always tried my best to protect him from those who would hurt him, which was impossible in this case - and I was torn between wanting to comfort and hide Todd from reality --- especially hard to do when he was the first one on the scene, the one who had to identify his brother's remains for the police, still in tact at the location, and the one who had to clean up the brains and blood off the basement walls and floor and couch --- and wanting to just grieve along side him and everyone else.
I always do my bulk grieving in fall. Partly because that's when 75% of these things happened, and partly because I can't share the things I love with all of the people that I do.
But despite all this, ever since it has smelled like fall (late last week) I have been walking around with a smile on my face.
Remembering the good times with the people I had, and planning for more with those that I still have. What more could one ask for? What else is life all about?