(no subject)
My parents called me today from Dallas. They wanted me to send flowers and then I felt terrible for not thinking of it myself, and then they told me that it was too late anyway. My mom just sounds so sad on the phone. I feel like I was the only one in my family that didn't go to the funeral, even though I know for certain that's not true. I just feel idle- like I can't help at all, and I have no idea as to where to start. I'm going home this weekend for the little prayer that my parents have put together at my house and I am hesitant to go, only because I know that it will just be deeply sad. It's really difficult for me to see my parents sad; I feel like they are invincible and they shouldn't be. Everything is just hitting me at once and I wish things didn't have to be so difficult for my family. I need closure from a lot of things. I just want to hide in my room and I have honestly been sleeping insane amounts lately. I'm just emotionally exhausted. I know I need to pick myself up and put myself back together but there is a huge chasm between understanding that concept objectively and actually applying it to yourself. It's so much easier to just dwell in sadness than to force yourself to look forward. I need someone to do it for me, I feel, but that in itself is a problem; I need to learn to need only me.