(no subject)
Somewhere around two weeks ago my mother called me at work and let me know that my father was in the hospital dying of brain cancer.
I haven't seen my father in over four straight years for many, many reasons. Ie: in the years before we threw him out for the 5th or 6th (and final) time in 1998, he was the most abusive of abusive alcoholic husbands/fathers. Also a bit of a drug user, but mostly he was into being a raging drunk practically every day his life from the 1980's to now(ish). At any rate, there *were* times when him and I (more so between him and my brother.. the whole "father-son" thing) were close- but there were more instances where he was the classic violent, total let-down of an alcoholic father. My brother and I had to call the police tons of times and consequently be responsible for getting our own father arrested (pretty much always because he was beating my mother senseless). After the divorce he refused to pay child support, pulled my brother and my insurance out from under us (which was real nice of him considering I'm entirely dependent on my asthma medication), denied us the rights to fly anywhere in the world for free and see our family (he worked for the airline), would constantly stalk and terrorize us even with restraining orders very much intact, and a whole bunch of other crazy, obnoxious shit.
Over the past few years, where I have not been talking to or seeing him, I have almost successfully blocked out the entire first 13 years of my life, and therefore him as well. I'd hear stories from people in town about him every so often, though. Considering he's THE town drunk. But that's it. And I have to say, considering my history (as well as my brother's), we mentally and emotionally came out of all this pretty fucking well. If either one of us were effected, it was in a positive manner.
So now that I almost reached that point of thoroughly "accepting the past," I find out that my father is going to die within a couple months.
Apparently the cancer has spread from his brain to his liver, pancreas, and either 3 or 4 other areas- which I just found out today.
I've been hearing stories from people who have seen him (before he was hospitalized) that he's mentally unstable like you couldn't believe- he thinks he's been working for the CIA and shit like that. Also he apparently fell a few weeks ago (inside his filthy house) and cracked his head open, and he just laid there for hours completely helpless and unable to move before someone finally found him. Thinking about that alone is unbelievably painful, even though I've been convinced I was 100% emotionally detached from him years ago.
Anyway that's where I'm at right now. I clearly am going to visit him in the hospital this weekend with my brother. Oh dear..
I haven't seen my father in over four straight years for many, many reasons. Ie: in the years before we threw him out for the 5th or 6th (and final) time in 1998, he was the most abusive of abusive alcoholic husbands/fathers. Also a bit of a drug user, but mostly he was into being a raging drunk practically every day his life from the 1980's to now(ish). At any rate, there *were* times when him and I (more so between him and my brother.. the whole "father-son" thing) were close- but there were more instances where he was the classic violent, total let-down of an alcoholic father. My brother and I had to call the police tons of times and consequently be responsible for getting our own father arrested (pretty much always because he was beating my mother senseless). After the divorce he refused to pay child support, pulled my brother and my insurance out from under us (which was real nice of him considering I'm entirely dependent on my asthma medication), denied us the rights to fly anywhere in the world for free and see our family (he worked for the airline), would constantly stalk and terrorize us even with restraining orders very much intact, and a whole bunch of other crazy, obnoxious shit.
Over the past few years, where I have not been talking to or seeing him, I have almost successfully blocked out the entire first 13 years of my life, and therefore him as well. I'd hear stories from people in town about him every so often, though. Considering he's THE town drunk. But that's it. And I have to say, considering my history (as well as my brother's), we mentally and emotionally came out of all this pretty fucking well. If either one of us were effected, it was in a positive manner.
So now that I almost reached that point of thoroughly "accepting the past," I find out that my father is going to die within a couple months.
Apparently the cancer has spread from his brain to his liver, pancreas, and either 3 or 4 other areas- which I just found out today.
I've been hearing stories from people who have seen him (before he was hospitalized) that he's mentally unstable like you couldn't believe- he thinks he's been working for the CIA and shit like that. Also he apparently fell a few weeks ago (inside his filthy house) and cracked his head open, and he just laid there for hours completely helpless and unable to move before someone finally found him. Thinking about that alone is unbelievably painful, even though I've been convinced I was 100% emotionally detached from him years ago.
Anyway that's where I'm at right now. I clearly am going to visit him in the hospital this weekend with my brother. Oh dear..