The Hours
I just watched The Hours. I saw much of my life in that film. It was the type of story that touches you deep in your core and has profound meaning. I found myself identifying with the characters and I now wonder which destiny will be mine. Virginia Wolfe struggled with a mental illness. She tried to enjoy her life, as much as she could, but in the end, she felt that she could not face it anymore and killed herself. Laura Brown felt so out of place in her life that she almost killed herself. But she found that that was not meant for her. She ended up abandoning everything and starting over. She still struggled, but it was the best for her. Then Clarisa Vaughn, found herself overwhelmed by her future and could only think of how her past made her happy. However, she was reminded of what life was really about, and learned to love her present.
Which character will I become? I still struggle. Depression like a rain cloud in the distance. Some days it stays far away, almost too far to see. Some days it threatens, but passes by. And of couse, some days the storm does come. It hasn't rained in a while. And there's been no storm since I met Rob. He keeps the rain cloud away. It only really threatens when he is away. I sometimes wonder what will become of me. If Rob were to leave, I would die. He is the only thing that keeps me calm somedays. I guess, what I fear most, is that the depression will overwhelm everything one day. That there will be nothing and no one to stop it. I fear what might become of me.
One observation that I must voice is the lifestyle of these women in the tale. There is a misconception in many people that depression is a egotistical condition. One can't be depressed if they have a wonderful life. In the stories of the three women, each had a friend tell them that they were lucky. They lived good lives and had much to be thankful for. But they were dead inside. What makes someone depressed? Is it the problems that come up in their life? Is it a longing for attention? It is really a chemical imbalance? I don't think so. I think it is a feeling of not belonging. Virginia didn't belong in her time, Laura didn't belong in the role that was chosen for her and Clarissa didn't belong in her present, until she understood what it meant to belong. I... well, I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Overall, it was a terrific movie and the acting was amazing. I recommend it very much.
On another note, I must recall what happened the other night. I was at Dad's and I was talking to him and Cathy about me contemplating asking Rob to move in with me. It's been something that I've been thinking about for a while. We were talking about reasons why he might say no and might say yes and I said, more jokingly than anything else, that he's 31 and still lives with his mom. Cathy just went for it. She told me that I needed to be careful because that means that he's dependent on his mom and that he is most likely egocentric and arrogant and stubborn. She was telling me this because her last ex-husband was the situation. I was telling her that he's not like that and its just the circumstances that he's in. I almost said that the difference in her opinion is that I actually love Rob and she never loved her ex. (Which is true.) But I didn't say anything that might sound rude. However, I did notice that I was extremely upset. Not in the way that one might think. I took it as her observation of Rob was a reflection on me. That in my being in love with Rob was somehow unwarranted and that I was a fool for being with such a loser. That I am making a horrible decision that will ruin my life forever. I know that she is bitter and she was drinking all day and I don't very much value some of the choices she has made in her life. She has no right to council me when she has had 3 failed marriages. But it shook me for some reason. Like I need to reevaluate my love for Rob. And the only reason I can think of me even considering that is because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of always making the wrong decisions, especially when other people don't think I'm making the right one. I'm so stupid. I love Rob and damn her! She doesn't know what she's talking about. It's my life and I will make my own decisions, wrong or right. I may be afraid, but at least with Rob, I know what I want.
Which character will I become? I still struggle. Depression like a rain cloud in the distance. Some days it stays far away, almost too far to see. Some days it threatens, but passes by. And of couse, some days the storm does come. It hasn't rained in a while. And there's been no storm since I met Rob. He keeps the rain cloud away. It only really threatens when he is away. I sometimes wonder what will become of me. If Rob were to leave, I would die. He is the only thing that keeps me calm somedays. I guess, what I fear most, is that the depression will overwhelm everything one day. That there will be nothing and no one to stop it. I fear what might become of me.
One observation that I must voice is the lifestyle of these women in the tale. There is a misconception in many people that depression is a egotistical condition. One can't be depressed if they have a wonderful life. In the stories of the three women, each had a friend tell them that they were lucky. They lived good lives and had much to be thankful for. But they were dead inside. What makes someone depressed? Is it the problems that come up in their life? Is it a longing for attention? It is really a chemical imbalance? I don't think so. I think it is a feeling of not belonging. Virginia didn't belong in her time, Laura didn't belong in the role that was chosen for her and Clarissa didn't belong in her present, until she understood what it meant to belong. I... well, I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Overall, it was a terrific movie and the acting was amazing. I recommend it very much.
On another note, I must recall what happened the other night. I was at Dad's and I was talking to him and Cathy about me contemplating asking Rob to move in with me. It's been something that I've been thinking about for a while. We were talking about reasons why he might say no and might say yes and I said, more jokingly than anything else, that he's 31 and still lives with his mom. Cathy just went for it. She told me that I needed to be careful because that means that he's dependent on his mom and that he is most likely egocentric and arrogant and stubborn. She was telling me this because her last ex-husband was the situation. I was telling her that he's not like that and its just the circumstances that he's in. I almost said that the difference in her opinion is that I actually love Rob and she never loved her ex. (Which is true.) But I didn't say anything that might sound rude. However, I did notice that I was extremely upset. Not in the way that one might think. I took it as her observation of Rob was a reflection on me. That in my being in love with Rob was somehow unwarranted and that I was a fool for being with such a loser. That I am making a horrible decision that will ruin my life forever. I know that she is bitter and she was drinking all day and I don't very much value some of the choices she has made in her life. She has no right to council me when she has had 3 failed marriages. But it shook me for some reason. Like I need to reevaluate my love for Rob. And the only reason I can think of me even considering that is because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of always making the wrong decisions, especially when other people don't think I'm making the right one. I'm so stupid. I love Rob and damn her! She doesn't know what she's talking about. It's my life and I will make my own decisions, wrong or right. I may be afraid, but at least with Rob, I know what I want.