Channukah Party ( with a Ch or an H)
Friday night began and ended with a strange portal to a totally different world; a world of French Jews. As I walk in I hear the words, "Noah! you're turning into a shvatza (black person-in yiddish) before our eyes! take that cap off!" I thought to myself, oh shit, i'm going to die. A rich and festive half tipsy woman came to me with her Marlboro cigarette hanging from the side of her mouth with a caramelized hot pink surrounding the filter. The ash was about to fall, so I acted slick and quickly got the glass ashtray so she could flick it with her frosted pink acrylic nails. She screams, "Ah! look what i got forr CHannukah! itz an ed ha-rr-dy peenk light-air wiz ze little skull and bone! tre magnific! zank you!" I laughed. I wouldn't be surprised if her boobs just happend to explode right then and there.
As I sat down with my boring goblet of wine, a girl who seemed not so happy to be here sat next to me. She was 16, nice (later on to be known as a conniving bitch), and had the scent of "my parents made me come here" all around her. We were practically wearing the same outfit. Short black dress, heels, our hair in a head band to make a cute "poof" in the front, and a ponytail in the back to give it more of a sophisticated look. She wooped out her cell phone and began texting all of fucking Israel, it seemed. Or maybe just Aventura, Miami (HUGE jewish community). She complained to me about how she hates her parents, and I couldn't take it anymore so I switched the subject to schools. "I go to Hillel," she said and i thought to myself no wonder she's a fucking cunt, it's only the BIGGEST hebrew school in Miami. I told her I went to DASH and she asks me what it stands for. I tell her "Design and Architecture Senior High" and she flipped shit and talked about how badly she wants to draw. I sat back and drank all my wine like it was the last drink i'd ever have.
Dinner came and they sat me in the little kids table, along with the unhappy teenager. Julian Ben Simon sat next to me on one side, David Groomberg on my other, Matthew Akiba parallel, and Justin Mann diagonally. It was so horrendous, the fact that our last names were so Jewish. It was impossible to try to have an intellectual conversation with these people. They talked about rich fellow Jews and fancy sports cars. I decided i would leave early. After cutting into their oh so important conversation on "How the viper has two thick blue stripes going across my (David Groomberg) side doors," I left.
I hate Channukah.
As I sat down with my boring goblet of wine, a girl who seemed not so happy to be here sat next to me. She was 16, nice (later on to be known as a conniving bitch), and had the scent of "my parents made me come here" all around her. We were practically wearing the same outfit. Short black dress, heels, our hair in a head band to make a cute "poof" in the front, and a ponytail in the back to give it more of a sophisticated look. She wooped out her cell phone and began texting all of fucking Israel, it seemed. Or maybe just Aventura, Miami (HUGE jewish community). She complained to me about how she hates her parents, and I couldn't take it anymore so I switched the subject to schools. "I go to Hillel," she said and i thought to myself no wonder she's a fucking cunt, it's only the BIGGEST hebrew school in Miami. I told her I went to DASH and she asks me what it stands for. I tell her "Design and Architecture Senior High" and she flipped shit and talked about how badly she wants to draw. I sat back and drank all my wine like it was the last drink i'd ever have.
Dinner came and they sat me in the little kids table, along with the unhappy teenager. Julian Ben Simon sat next to me on one side, David Groomberg on my other, Matthew Akiba parallel, and Justin Mann diagonally. It was so horrendous, the fact that our last names were so Jewish. It was impossible to try to have an intellectual conversation with these people. They talked about rich fellow Jews and fancy sports cars. I decided i would leave early. After cutting into their oh so important conversation on "How the viper has two thick blue stripes going across my (David Groomberg) side doors," I left.
I hate Channukah.