Oh boy...
I'm a bit upset right now for many reasons most of them I have no power to change. I got an email the other day from my friend, this crazy apology letter that I don't deserve...he seemed so down and I don't know what to say to make it better, I wish I could though, even though when I feel like nothing I know no one can ever say the right thing, but I want him to know I care and I'm there for him without making me seem inferior...Another one of my good friends is probably starting chemo soon...This person is amazing, one of those people who can make the biggest difference in the world and deserve better than a lame body who keeps letting her down...I wish people would do more things they want to do, I wish I would do more I want to do. Lately I've been doing things mostly for myself, that may seem selfish, but the thing is I never do things for myself, almost everything I do, (and I said almost not absolutely everything, people dont get paranoid), has been because someone else has been counting on me...I think its because I don't rely on people anymore they always let me down...so I'm immune to caring kind of...like people can screw me over and I don't even care, I honestly don't, my feelings can't be hurt.
So I'm at my grandparents this weekend, my dad phoned this morning, I kind of decided to actually do something for myself and go on a trip with my aunt and uncle in January, which I budgeted my year and made sure I would still have enough for university next year, and for rent, utilities, food, random hang outs every week...and turns out I'll be completely fine! My mom was all for it, she said "as long as your sure" which she knows I've never been screwed for money ever!! so she trusts me, but when i told my dad he just went all negative, "dont impose on your aunt and unlcle, you know you're not suppose to take the day before and the day after holidays off, you'll get fired" like obviously I checked and made sure it was ok with my aunt and uncle and he could have told me "Sylvie make sure you check with the school, in the past theirs been some problems" which obviously I was gonna check anyways, but the way he reacted the tone he took...it got me really upset...I always look for approval with my parents I dont know why anymore I dont live with them, I dont really on them for anything...why do I feel like I need to please them still, I want a good relationship with my parents which I find I do absolutely I love them and I have good chats with my dad and mom, but he always jumps to conclusion! he never lets me explain. Example, he freaked out when I wanted to try out for Canadian Idol, the first year, I was 16, and he would not let me do it, I had to write out a proposition letter and reasons why he should let me, I worked out an entire plan, my aunt was gonna drop me and my cousin off and my cousin would be with me the whole day...and then! he said it was fine. Example 2: University of Ottawa, I wanted to go soo bad right after High School, they completely refused and that was that, so I picked U of W, that was a big deal as well! it was CUSB or nothing, again I researched everything on my own and with the school counsellot for support, and I planned out everything, I would just need to hop on with my dad in the mornings and from there I'd take the bus, bus back wait for him to be done his school preparations and then we'd go home, in no way was I a nuissance. Did I mention they don't pay for anything, they helped me out with food a bit last year which I totally appreciate but this year I can see it really bothers them so I'm working it out on my own, which is fine. I could go this entire year without telling them any of my thoughts or plans and just leave for Ottawa, they wouldnt have a say, but I want them to approve of what I do and trust me, I'm just tired of doing everything for them to approve, and without me having to comvince them everytime I'm doing the right thing! \
Anyhow
So I'm at my grandparents this weekend, my dad phoned this morning, I kind of decided to actually do something for myself and go on a trip with my aunt and uncle in January, which I budgeted my year and made sure I would still have enough for university next year, and for rent, utilities, food, random hang outs every week...and turns out I'll be completely fine! My mom was all for it, she said "as long as your sure" which she knows I've never been screwed for money ever!! so she trusts me, but when i told my dad he just went all negative, "dont impose on your aunt and unlcle, you know you're not suppose to take the day before and the day after holidays off, you'll get fired" like obviously I checked and made sure it was ok with my aunt and uncle and he could have told me "Sylvie make sure you check with the school, in the past theirs been some problems" which obviously I was gonna check anyways, but the way he reacted the tone he took...it got me really upset...I always look for approval with my parents I dont know why anymore I dont live with them, I dont really on them for anything...why do I feel like I need to please them still, I want a good relationship with my parents which I find I do absolutely I love them and I have good chats with my dad and mom, but he always jumps to conclusion! he never lets me explain. Example, he freaked out when I wanted to try out for Canadian Idol, the first year, I was 16, and he would not let me do it, I had to write out a proposition letter and reasons why he should let me, I worked out an entire plan, my aunt was gonna drop me and my cousin off and my cousin would be with me the whole day...and then! he said it was fine. Example 2: University of Ottawa, I wanted to go soo bad right after High School, they completely refused and that was that, so I picked U of W, that was a big deal as well! it was CUSB or nothing, again I researched everything on my own and with the school counsellot for support, and I planned out everything, I would just need to hop on with my dad in the mornings and from there I'd take the bus, bus back wait for him to be done his school preparations and then we'd go home, in no way was I a nuissance. Did I mention they don't pay for anything, they helped me out with food a bit last year which I totally appreciate but this year I can see it really bothers them so I'm working it out on my own, which is fine. I could go this entire year without telling them any of my thoughts or plans and just leave for Ottawa, they wouldnt have a say, but I want them to approve of what I do and trust me, I'm just tired of doing everything for them to approve, and without me having to comvince them everytime I'm doing the right thing! \
Anyhow