(no subject)
so my big illutration is due tomorrow, at noon. the one thats supposed to blow the teacher's mind, proving i can handle being in the junior/senior level class. i just finished the background. late night, clear head, cups of coffee, pressure usually help me in these situations. i also need to have sketches ready by then for the next assignment to be critiqued by the class. i really dont think i can handle this. its too late for me to drop the class or replace it with a new one. the project was actually due last week. i dont remember ever feeling that small. a class of 18 people, comfortably seated, confidently facing the front board, putting their work up in groups of three. i watched as the first group, then second and third put their's up and went through all the motions. i immediately realized there was no way i could put up my drawing that paled in comparison. amazing illustrations, and i hid mine under my notebook, every now and then looking back at it hoping it would get better. when the break finally came, i got up and told the teacher that i felt like mine wasnt completely finished, id bring it to his office sometime in the next few days. he didnt look surprised at all, immediately brining up the fact that he was unaware i was only a sophmore, suggesting that i drop the class. my drawing skills were not "up to par with the rest of the students". i tried to build up a phasade of confidence, promising a masterpeice by next week, feeling myself shrinking by the second. all the sudden i remembered what it was like to be the cripplingly shy twelve year old. i had so much to say during the critique, but no one would be able to see me, so small now that my arms couldnt rest on the table anymore. everyone towered over me, but i tried to looked at the situation realistically, and even opened my mouth a few times, about to talk. nothing came out. it was as if i was worried that a weird sound or anything but words was going to just fall right out, or no one would be able to hear me. by the end of class i had to stand up on my chair to see over the table and to the board. i was so frustrated by the time it was over that i just ran out to my bike and didnt get off of it for an hour and a half.