Pain (K/S Reboot)- Chapter 2 "Reforging in Pain"
Title: Pain
Chapter Title: Reforging in Pain
Author: Nightshade sydneylover150
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. They are owned by Paramount Studios, CBS, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams, and the actors that portrayed these wonderful characters
Beta: Currently searching for a few, anyone interested?
Summary: A sadistic part of him was even happy... perhaps Jim's three years worth of pain may have affected Jim more than he previously was willing to admit.
Rating: R for Jim’s mouth
Chapter 1
J/S/J/S
Jim knew the moment Spock began to feel his head pain during the half-Vulcan’s pon farr. A sadistic part of him was even happy when it happened. However, Jim was usually much more empathetic to people’s pain than his husband was, although his three years worth of pain may have affected Jim more than he previously was willing to admit.
“It sucks when you actually are the one experiencing it doesn’t it?” Jim asked as soon as Spock was coherent enough to have a conversation.
“I do not understand what it is that you mean Jim.” Spock said without an intonation. Jim wondered if Spock naturally dealt with his pain by going “Super Vulcan” mode or if he had been trained into it.
“The pain you’re feeling?” Jim waited until Spock nodded, “I’ve felt that for almost three years while you told me that I was, how did you and your ‘mind healer’ put it…. Ah, yes…. ‘imagining it.’ Seems like you finally got a dose of that imaginary pain. How does it feel Spockums?”
“Jim, you are the one causing this pain? What have I done that has caused you to do this to me?” Spock’s voice almost had a hint of betrayal in it. Or maybe it was just Jim reading into the matter. He had never really gotten the hold of being able to read Spock’s emotions through the bond. Either way, Spock appeared to feel betrayed. “How are you projecting this pain on to me?”
“Spock, I’m hurt. I’m the victim in this story. You don’t get to infringe on my role in this.” Jim stated plainly as he crossed the room to where his husband was still caught between the after effects of pon farr and the pain Jim had experienced for years. “No. The pain you’re feeling. That is how our bond feels to me. The one thing you told me could never cause me any pain.”
“Jim that is imp…”
“Impossible. Yes, your ‘healer’ did say that too, didn’t he? Then again he never examined me. I Hell, that fucker didn’t even talk to me. He dismissed me like I was yesterday’s trash.” Jim stated with heat. “I can forgive him that. He doesn’t know me. He probably assumed that it was a deficit in my mind, my ‘illogical’ emotions, or maybe even my ‘human-ness interfering with the ‘logic’ of the bond.”
“Jim I do not…” Spock said looking up at his husband from his place on the ground level bed.
Jim circled around his husband one time before he sank down into a seated position in front of him. “You however… I’m not sure I can forgive you Spock. You are my husband, my lover, and my supposed ‘thy’la.’ You didn’t believe me. You didn’t listen to me. You didn’t even entertain the possibility that something was wrong. You were too fucking caught up in your own beliefs and Vulcan superiority to even conceive that I was in pain.”
“Jim it not possible…” Spock said, “You could not have experienced this pain for three years. You would have gone mad. I would have known you were in pain”
Jim laughed silently, smirking and shaking his head. “It’s nice to know how little you think of humans Spock. My race. Your race. We’ve been surviving pain, physical and mental, for millennia in multiple different forms and fashions. Some healthy, some unhealthy, and some downright dangerous. But either way we have survived despite not having psi-healing. So don’t tell me you mother fucker that I couldn’t survive the pain you are feeling right now without going ‘mad.’ If anything it fueled my desire to prove you wrong.”
Spock looked down, but Jim couldn’t allow him to do that. He couldn’t, wouldn’t allow Spock to hide from his words. Jim reached out, grasped Spock’s chin, and tilted the Vulcan’s head up so that Spock was forced to look Jim in the eyes.
“You are right in a fashion. I should have gone ‘mad,’ but not from the pain.” Jim looked deep into his husband’s eyes. “I should have gone ‘mad’ because my husband abandoned me and forced me to face this pain alone. I never should have had to do that! I should have had my husband to support me! Instead I had to turn to my best friend the doctor and the galactic ‘net to try and find support.”
“Jim I know regrets are illogical, but I apolog….” Spock started to say, but Jim held his hand up, effectively cutting Spock off mid-speech.
“I’m not ready to hear it Spock. You better not replace those shields, the ones that the healer told you to put up.” Jim reached forward and took his husband’s hand in his own. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He knew he was angry, but that did not mean he needed to take 3 years worth of frustration and pain out on his bondmate; Even if the bastard deserved it.
Jim opened his eyes and looked directly at his husband. “You better not leave me alone this time. You need to help me figure this out and not just give me platitudes about ‘accepting Surak into your life will solve everything.’ Because let me tell you Spock, that makes you Vulcans sound like you’re in a cult.”
Spock met Jim’s stare as the human looked directly into his husband’s eyes. In that moment Jim realized how clueless Spock was about their bond. Perhaps he didn’t understand it anymore than Jim did.
Thinking back on it, Jim realized Spock had been relying on guidance from his father, T’Pau, and the Vulcan mind healers. However, now he was just as stuck in this mess of pain as Jim was and Jim wasn’t going allow his husband to leave him to face it alone again. Jim knew as Spock met his glaze that the half-Vulcan would accept Jim’s wishes.
“I hear and obey my husband.” Spock said with a slight nod.
“Good because you and I have a lot to talk about Spock.”
S/J/S/J
Spock realized he had hurt deeply hurt Jim. He had not even realized that Jim’s pain was anything more than a figment of the man’s imagination. Then again, as Jim’s best friend and Thy’la, Spock should have known. He should have been able realize the man he loved above all else was in pain. Instead he allowed himself to be led astray from his ashayam by his family and the Vulcan healers. Spock was disgusted with himself. He should have known that Jim would never claim to be in pain unless he absolutely meant it. Spock logically knew his Thy’la was more likely to hide his pain when he was experiencing it then to actually state that he was in pain. This fact alone solidified Spock’s guilt.
Looking deep into his bondmate’s eyes he realized he had many debts to repay to his Thy’la. He had committed a grievous error by neglecting he-who-is-his-mate. Reparations would need to be made in order to rebalance their bond.
So when his husband stated that they had a lot of to talk about, there was only one correct answer that Spock could give.
“I believe we do Jim.”
J/S/J/S
Jim could not believe how much less his headache hurt since Spock had come to acknowledge that Jim was experiencing throbbing headaches. Spock researched tirelessly to find the answer for Jim’s (and now, his own) headaches. While Jim was not quite ready to forgive his husband for his transgressions, Spock was well on his way to earning that forgiveness.
They had talked for a long time about where Spock and, even, Jim had gone wrong in their relationship. Both males agreed everything came down to communication. Jim could understand that Spock had “illogically” assumed that his family and the healers would have the answers to his questions regarding his bond with Jim. Jim could even almost forgive his naïve husband for blindly believing what he had been told by his fellow Vulcans.
Jim realized now that he needed to address Spock more directly when he is having problems. He also realized he needed to request that they have “State of Relationship” conversations so they talk about any issues Jim might be experiencing in their relationship instead of just assuming that Spock would know. (Thank you Ms. Annoying Therapist that Bones is now forcing Jim to see weekly via subspace communications) Both males had agreed that their communication needed to improve. Badly.
S/J/S/J
Spock continued to search through the intergalactic internet to find answers for his husband. Jim was, as humans would say, “fast asleep” on their bed after surviving a disastrous away mission with minimal damage. (At least it was minimal damage in comparison with other away missions in which Jim managed to participate. Jim managed to “get away” this time with some small, shallow cuts, some minor bruising, and, of course, a ripped shirt.) Spock was checking the galactic sites where Jim previously had found information regarding non-Vulcan/Vulcan bonds. They were also the sites where his husband had observed the so-called “cult-like behavior” from some of the non-Vulcan spouses with whom Jim had been in contact.
On the surface Spock found none of the supposed “cult-like” answers to be illogical or, in human terms, “odd. “ The spouses stated they had found serenity in the “Teaching of Surak,” as Spock’s own father had commented on when Spock was a child. Upon further inspection, Spock did find something “weird,” as his husband would put it. There was a string of symbols being used behind the text the non-Vulcan partners had written that Spock had failed to notice. It was barely discernible and Spock could see how his husband could have easily missed it as humans can only see light and color in a narrow spectrum. It was outside of this spectrum and written in Golic Vulcan that Spock found the answer that Jim and now he had been seeking about the non-Vulcan partners.
Now they at least had an answer regarding the partners’ “odd” answers.”
J/S/J/S
“They what?”
“The comments were all written with the approval of the non-Vulcan partners’ Vulcan partner while the non-Vulcan partner were being sent through what I believe you would call a ‘retraining camp.’”
“You mean were places where they were being brainwashed.”
“It is ‘nothing as dramatic’ as that Jim, as you would say Thy’la. The non-Vulcan couples were taken away from their homes and outside influences to be subjected to an intense program designed to educate them on ‘The Principals of Surak.’ The training would give them that specific focus, thereby reducing their focus on their own mental pain.”
“Spock, it’s a brainwashing camp. It’s like using what my old and new shrinks have called ‘behavioral activation,’ ‘cognitive restructuring,’ and ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ to make people more susceptible to alternative mentalities.”
Spock took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and abruptly closed it after he processed what Jim said. “That is a simplified, but effective explanation for this phenomenon, Captain.”
“We’re not Captain and First Officer here Spock. This is us, Jim and Spock who are also known as the couple of brilliant stupid males who have really crappy communication skills.” Jim leaned forward and placed his hand on top of his husband’s hand.
Jim watched his husband glance down at their touching hands, before the half-Vulcan responded back to him. “There is no need to be insulting Jim.”
“Being offended is an emotion Spock.” Jim said with a grin. He loved his husband’s dry and witty sense of humor. The older male always had a zinger at the ready.
“I am just identifying the human emotion that you are attempting to provoke in me.” Spock stated with a straight face, which caused Jim to have to bite his tongue in order to prevent himself from laughing at the half-Vulcan.
S/J/S/J
“So what do we do now Spock?” Jim asked his bondmate. Spock looked at his bondmate for a moment, cocking his head as he thought.
“We continue to communicate and seek the answers for your… our pain in regards to the bond. Perhaps if the Doctor tests both of us, he may be able to find an answer where he previously was unable to find one.” Spock stated bluntly.
“Ya think?” Jim asked softly. There was a light in his eyes that Spock had not seen for 2 years and for the first time Spock realized how much he had “missed” it.
“I, to use one of your human phrases, believe we do.”
The End
Chapter Title: Reforging in Pain
Author: Nightshade sydneylover150
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. They are owned by Paramount Studios, CBS, Gene Roddenberry, JJ Abrams, and the actors that portrayed these wonderful characters
Beta: Currently searching for a few, anyone interested?
Summary: A sadistic part of him was even happy... perhaps Jim's three years worth of pain may have affected Jim more than he previously was willing to admit.
Rating: R for Jim’s mouth
Chapter 1
J/S/J/S
Jim knew the moment Spock began to feel his head pain during the half-Vulcan’s pon farr. A sadistic part of him was even happy when it happened. However, Jim was usually much more empathetic to people’s pain than his husband was, although his three years worth of pain may have affected Jim more than he previously was willing to admit.
“It sucks when you actually are the one experiencing it doesn’t it?” Jim asked as soon as Spock was coherent enough to have a conversation.
“I do not understand what it is that you mean Jim.” Spock said without an intonation. Jim wondered if Spock naturally dealt with his pain by going “Super Vulcan” mode or if he had been trained into it.
“The pain you’re feeling?” Jim waited until Spock nodded, “I’ve felt that for almost three years while you told me that I was, how did you and your ‘mind healer’ put it…. Ah, yes…. ‘imagining it.’ Seems like you finally got a dose of that imaginary pain. How does it feel Spockums?”
“Jim, you are the one causing this pain? What have I done that has caused you to do this to me?” Spock’s voice almost had a hint of betrayal in it. Or maybe it was just Jim reading into the matter. He had never really gotten the hold of being able to read Spock’s emotions through the bond. Either way, Spock appeared to feel betrayed. “How are you projecting this pain on to me?”
“Spock, I’m hurt. I’m the victim in this story. You don’t get to infringe on my role in this.” Jim stated plainly as he crossed the room to where his husband was still caught between the after effects of pon farr and the pain Jim had experienced for years. “No. The pain you’re feeling. That is how our bond feels to me. The one thing you told me could never cause me any pain.”
“Jim that is imp…”
“Impossible. Yes, your ‘healer’ did say that too, didn’t he? Then again he never examined me. I Hell, that fucker didn’t even talk to me. He dismissed me like I was yesterday’s trash.” Jim stated with heat. “I can forgive him that. He doesn’t know me. He probably assumed that it was a deficit in my mind, my ‘illogical’ emotions, or maybe even my ‘human-ness interfering with the ‘logic’ of the bond.”
“Jim I do not…” Spock said looking up at his husband from his place on the ground level bed.
Jim circled around his husband one time before he sank down into a seated position in front of him. “You however… I’m not sure I can forgive you Spock. You are my husband, my lover, and my supposed ‘thy’la.’ You didn’t believe me. You didn’t listen to me. You didn’t even entertain the possibility that something was wrong. You were too fucking caught up in your own beliefs and Vulcan superiority to even conceive that I was in pain.”
“Jim it not possible…” Spock said, “You could not have experienced this pain for three years. You would have gone mad. I would have known you were in pain”
Jim laughed silently, smirking and shaking his head. “It’s nice to know how little you think of humans Spock. My race. Your race. We’ve been surviving pain, physical and mental, for millennia in multiple different forms and fashions. Some healthy, some unhealthy, and some downright dangerous. But either way we have survived despite not having psi-healing. So don’t tell me you mother fucker that I couldn’t survive the pain you are feeling right now without going ‘mad.’ If anything it fueled my desire to prove you wrong.”
Spock looked down, but Jim couldn’t allow him to do that. He couldn’t, wouldn’t allow Spock to hide from his words. Jim reached out, grasped Spock’s chin, and tilted the Vulcan’s head up so that Spock was forced to look Jim in the eyes.
“You are right in a fashion. I should have gone ‘mad,’ but not from the pain.” Jim looked deep into his husband’s eyes. “I should have gone ‘mad’ because my husband abandoned me and forced me to face this pain alone. I never should have had to do that! I should have had my husband to support me! Instead I had to turn to my best friend the doctor and the galactic ‘net to try and find support.”
“Jim I know regrets are illogical, but I apolog….” Spock started to say, but Jim held his hand up, effectively cutting Spock off mid-speech.
“I’m not ready to hear it Spock. You better not replace those shields, the ones that the healer told you to put up.” Jim reached forward and took his husband’s hand in his own. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He knew he was angry, but that did not mean he needed to take 3 years worth of frustration and pain out on his bondmate; Even if the bastard deserved it.
Jim opened his eyes and looked directly at his husband. “You better not leave me alone this time. You need to help me figure this out and not just give me platitudes about ‘accepting Surak into your life will solve everything.’ Because let me tell you Spock, that makes you Vulcans sound like you’re in a cult.”
Spock met Jim’s stare as the human looked directly into his husband’s eyes. In that moment Jim realized how clueless Spock was about their bond. Perhaps he didn’t understand it anymore than Jim did.
Thinking back on it, Jim realized Spock had been relying on guidance from his father, T’Pau, and the Vulcan mind healers. However, now he was just as stuck in this mess of pain as Jim was and Jim wasn’t going allow his husband to leave him to face it alone again. Jim knew as Spock met his glaze that the half-Vulcan would accept Jim’s wishes.
“I hear and obey my husband.” Spock said with a slight nod.
“Good because you and I have a lot to talk about Spock.”
S/J/S/J
Spock realized he had hurt deeply hurt Jim. He had not even realized that Jim’s pain was anything more than a figment of the man’s imagination. Then again, as Jim’s best friend and Thy’la, Spock should have known. He should have been able realize the man he loved above all else was in pain. Instead he allowed himself to be led astray from his ashayam by his family and the Vulcan healers. Spock was disgusted with himself. He should have known that Jim would never claim to be in pain unless he absolutely meant it. Spock logically knew his Thy’la was more likely to hide his pain when he was experiencing it then to actually state that he was in pain. This fact alone solidified Spock’s guilt.
Looking deep into his bondmate’s eyes he realized he had many debts to repay to his Thy’la. He had committed a grievous error by neglecting he-who-is-his-mate. Reparations would need to be made in order to rebalance their bond.
So when his husband stated that they had a lot of to talk about, there was only one correct answer that Spock could give.
“I believe we do Jim.”
J/S/J/S
Jim could not believe how much less his headache hurt since Spock had come to acknowledge that Jim was experiencing throbbing headaches. Spock researched tirelessly to find the answer for Jim’s (and now, his own) headaches. While Jim was not quite ready to forgive his husband for his transgressions, Spock was well on his way to earning that forgiveness.
They had talked for a long time about where Spock and, even, Jim had gone wrong in their relationship. Both males agreed everything came down to communication. Jim could understand that Spock had “illogically” assumed that his family and the healers would have the answers to his questions regarding his bond with Jim. Jim could even almost forgive his naïve husband for blindly believing what he had been told by his fellow Vulcans.
Jim realized now that he needed to address Spock more directly when he is having problems. He also realized he needed to request that they have “State of Relationship” conversations so they talk about any issues Jim might be experiencing in their relationship instead of just assuming that Spock would know. (Thank you Ms. Annoying Therapist that Bones is now forcing Jim to see weekly via subspace communications) Both males had agreed that their communication needed to improve. Badly.
S/J/S/J
Spock continued to search through the intergalactic internet to find answers for his husband. Jim was, as humans would say, “fast asleep” on their bed after surviving a disastrous away mission with minimal damage. (At least it was minimal damage in comparison with other away missions in which Jim managed to participate. Jim managed to “get away” this time with some small, shallow cuts, some minor bruising, and, of course, a ripped shirt.) Spock was checking the galactic sites where Jim previously had found information regarding non-Vulcan/Vulcan bonds. They were also the sites where his husband had observed the so-called “cult-like behavior” from some of the non-Vulcan spouses with whom Jim had been in contact.
On the surface Spock found none of the supposed “cult-like” answers to be illogical or, in human terms, “odd. “ The spouses stated they had found serenity in the “Teaching of Surak,” as Spock’s own father had commented on when Spock was a child. Upon further inspection, Spock did find something “weird,” as his husband would put it. There was a string of symbols being used behind the text the non-Vulcan partners had written that Spock had failed to notice. It was barely discernible and Spock could see how his husband could have easily missed it as humans can only see light and color in a narrow spectrum. It was outside of this spectrum and written in Golic Vulcan that Spock found the answer that Jim and now he had been seeking about the non-Vulcan partners.
Now they at least had an answer regarding the partners’ “odd” answers.”
J/S/J/S
“They what?”
“The comments were all written with the approval of the non-Vulcan partners’ Vulcan partner while the non-Vulcan partner were being sent through what I believe you would call a ‘retraining camp.’”
“You mean were places where they were being brainwashed.”
“It is ‘nothing as dramatic’ as that Jim, as you would say Thy’la. The non-Vulcan couples were taken away from their homes and outside influences to be subjected to an intense program designed to educate them on ‘The Principals of Surak.’ The training would give them that specific focus, thereby reducing their focus on their own mental pain.”
“Spock, it’s a brainwashing camp. It’s like using what my old and new shrinks have called ‘behavioral activation,’ ‘cognitive restructuring,’ and ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ to make people more susceptible to alternative mentalities.”
Spock took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and abruptly closed it after he processed what Jim said. “That is a simplified, but effective explanation for this phenomenon, Captain.”
“We’re not Captain and First Officer here Spock. This is us, Jim and Spock who are also known as the couple of brilliant stupid males who have really crappy communication skills.” Jim leaned forward and placed his hand on top of his husband’s hand.
Jim watched his husband glance down at their touching hands, before the half-Vulcan responded back to him. “There is no need to be insulting Jim.”
“Being offended is an emotion Spock.” Jim said with a grin. He loved his husband’s dry and witty sense of humor. The older male always had a zinger at the ready.
“I am just identifying the human emotion that you are attempting to provoke in me.” Spock stated with a straight face, which caused Jim to have to bite his tongue in order to prevent himself from laughing at the half-Vulcan.
S/J/S/J
“So what do we do now Spock?” Jim asked his bondmate. Spock looked at his bondmate for a moment, cocking his head as he thought.
“We continue to communicate and seek the answers for your… our pain in regards to the bond. Perhaps if the Doctor tests both of us, he may be able to find an answer where he previously was unable to find one.” Spock stated bluntly.
“Ya think?” Jim asked softly. There was a light in his eyes that Spock had not seen for 2 years and for the first time Spock realized how much he had “missed” it.
“I, to use one of your human phrases, believe we do.”
The End