I've been neglecting this again
Update time
Well, not much has changed
except I'm being responsible and NOT going to Coachella, even though I want to so so baddd
Oh and I randomly went home this past weekend which was nice
got to see my SG's and be up to no good
and Stevennn mhm
Spring Break is a month away
ummm I have so much shit going on with school this week, which annoys me since I've had nothing this whole semester and now everything is piled on, so that's just great.
Let's hope I make it through it.
Um well today marks fifteen years since Harley died. No matter how long it's been, it never hurts less. I was SO young when it happened. But I remember it like it was yesterday. I still feel like it's partly my fault too, which is a feeling I'll never get over. Like, maybe if I didn't make my dad stay in my room with me and take a nap, just maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe my dad would have heard him struggling, or checked on him sooner. I can't help but feel guilty, regardless of how many times my parents told me over and over again it wasn't my fault. I remember waking up and not understanding what was going on, and my neighbor coming over and trying to distract me. And the police arriving to my house. The image of my mother walking past the window outside towards the house, having the cops tell her what happened will never leave my mind. To this day, I have never seen someone look so broken. Then the helicopter ride to the hospital hoping that they'd be able to revive him, only finding out it was too late. I never forget what happened to my brother, I always think of him. But it's just something about this day that brings back the painful memories from that day. I feel so terrible for my parents, because I was only three and I remember how horrible it was, I can't even fathom how they must have felt that day. Even as I sit here, typing this to my self, I cry more than I have in a very very long time. My chest feels heavy, my throat tightens up and I have this Deja Vu feeling like it's happening all over again. You don't get over stuff like this, and it really never gets easier to deal with. I didn't even get to go to the beach with my family to let up the balloon like we always to every year, a tradition that we've been doing for as long as I can remember. I wish I could have been with my mom today. Her and my dad were clearly never the same since he died, and I was the only one that was there with her when it happened. I just like her to have me there on this day because I know how much she still cries about it and how much she thinks about him still. I admire her so much for how strong of a person she is because she has gone through more bad shit than anyone ever needs to, and I wish she understood how much I look up to her. I hope me and my sisters have made her as happy as we could even though I know we've caused her plenty of grief. I hope my brother is happy wherever he is up there and forgives me and is proud of me and my sisters and knows how much we love him and miss him and think about him. Rest in Peace, Harley Benjamin Dowson, my baby brother.
Well, not much has changed
except I'm being responsible and NOT going to Coachella, even though I want to so so baddd
Oh and I randomly went home this past weekend which was nice
got to see my SG's and be up to no good
and Stevennn mhm
Spring Break is a month away
ummm I have so much shit going on with school this week, which annoys me since I've had nothing this whole semester and now everything is piled on, so that's just great.
Let's hope I make it through it.
Um well today marks fifteen years since Harley died. No matter how long it's been, it never hurts less. I was SO young when it happened. But I remember it like it was yesterday. I still feel like it's partly my fault too, which is a feeling I'll never get over. Like, maybe if I didn't make my dad stay in my room with me and take a nap, just maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe my dad would have heard him struggling, or checked on him sooner. I can't help but feel guilty, regardless of how many times my parents told me over and over again it wasn't my fault. I remember waking up and not understanding what was going on, and my neighbor coming over and trying to distract me. And the police arriving to my house. The image of my mother walking past the window outside towards the house, having the cops tell her what happened will never leave my mind. To this day, I have never seen someone look so broken. Then the helicopter ride to the hospital hoping that they'd be able to revive him, only finding out it was too late. I never forget what happened to my brother, I always think of him. But it's just something about this day that brings back the painful memories from that day. I feel so terrible for my parents, because I was only three and I remember how horrible it was, I can't even fathom how they must have felt that day. Even as I sit here, typing this to my self, I cry more than I have in a very very long time. My chest feels heavy, my throat tightens up and I have this Deja Vu feeling like it's happening all over again. You don't get over stuff like this, and it really never gets easier to deal with. I didn't even get to go to the beach with my family to let up the balloon like we always to every year, a tradition that we've been doing for as long as I can remember. I wish I could have been with my mom today. Her and my dad were clearly never the same since he died, and I was the only one that was there with her when it happened. I just like her to have me there on this day because I know how much she still cries about it and how much she thinks about him still. I admire her so much for how strong of a person she is because she has gone through more bad shit than anyone ever needs to, and I wish she understood how much I look up to her. I hope me and my sisters have made her as happy as we could even though I know we've caused her plenty of grief. I hope my brother is happy wherever he is up there and forgives me and is proud of me and my sisters and knows how much we love him and miss him and think about him. Rest in Peace, Harley Benjamin Dowson, my baby brother.