1
i saw the movie " The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou" The movie was very funny just as i thought it would be, plus i trust my friends Opinions with movies since i'm not really a movie buff myself so i was very happy to see it with tony and megan. It was very good as a whole and the music in the movie was amazing. I really loved the little cheesy keyboard pieces, they made me feel very happy. It was good
Ummm i'm not good with being suttle while changing subjects in live journal but last night after tony and megan left i got one of the worst little bursts of depression ever. After they left i got this feeling that i dont deserve friends like tony and megan and chelsea, mike etc etc etc everyone really, and i do think this just about everyday but it was really bad. It got so bad that i got in my car and i was going to drive out to my mom's house, which i still have a key too and find my step-dad's hand gun and i was going to shoot myself in the basement. I'm not sure what stopped me, i know it wasnt either fear or realizing that these people care etc etc. All i remember is crying alot and finally falling asleep with the scent of megan all over my bed{I know what u all are thinking} she used my blanket and drool incrusted pillows to curl up with while watching the movie, so that made me feel good and relaxed enough to sleep. Im going to talk to my mom soon to get myself some help because i know that i have this part in my brain that wont go away that is very scary because today i got off work early, which i think you would pick up on because i dont update unless i'm out of work and with someone with a computer or when i'm not at work but today i went to a local pawn shop after i got off around 12:00 and looked at a little hand gun that was pretty cheap and i know after doing this that i'm truely fucked up, well i've known this for a long time but its gotten worst and worst as i get older. I may come off to everyone as the goofy kid who is allways at che cosa talking to everyone etc etc but when i'm alone its different, i turn into the most depressed person i can think of. I know that i cant be alone for long, thats mainly why i'm allways at che cosa becuase if i'm at home alone it could get ugly. Plus i'm lonely and i want to find a special someone. even thou i'm not mentally ready for it i'd still like to try but also with hanging out with tony and megan i see myself as being the most naive and mainly dumb to the world person on earth. My brain only knows music and that to me is beautiful but its kinda sad too because i'm really like a little kid, mentally. I dont know how to handle myself around people, esp girls, which is hard because i think about being in love with a girl all day everyday, i think about holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc etc alot.I get these amazing images of me and a girl doing these things and for a brief moment, i'm happy but then i come back to reality and realize that i'm a 22 year old, ugly,miserable kid who has never even really kissed a girl, let alone really even talked to one and had a real conversation with, without making myself look like a fool or showing the girl that i'm so naive and dumb in that world that if whatever interest they had has gone by then. And i'm just sick of all of it, i'm tired of being the guy who only knows music and no one seems to take seriously as a person besides being a music freak and being the lonely man that no girl seems to want besides just being a friend or enemy. I'm tired of falling in love with these perfect girls who in turn want nothing to do with me. Its very stupid to be so sad about all this but i dont know how to deal with this stuff and i feel like a idiot talking to people about it because everytime i open up my mouth what was in my brain to say doesnt come out the way it should or it does in my head.
I've just gotten really bad like thinking about throwing away my phone and not coming to che cosa anymore but i know i will. I just need someone to love me and be there for me and help me when i fall and to not turn there back on me whenever i get too weird or screw things up.
I'm sorry for this crybaby stuff but it just needed to come out
again i'm sorry
bye
Ummm i'm not good with being suttle while changing subjects in live journal but last night after tony and megan left i got one of the worst little bursts of depression ever. After they left i got this feeling that i dont deserve friends like tony and megan and chelsea, mike etc etc etc everyone really, and i do think this just about everyday but it was really bad. It got so bad that i got in my car and i was going to drive out to my mom's house, which i still have a key too and find my step-dad's hand gun and i was going to shoot myself in the basement. I'm not sure what stopped me, i know it wasnt either fear or realizing that these people care etc etc. All i remember is crying alot and finally falling asleep with the scent of megan all over my bed{I know what u all are thinking} she used my blanket and drool incrusted pillows to curl up with while watching the movie, so that made me feel good and relaxed enough to sleep. Im going to talk to my mom soon to get myself some help because i know that i have this part in my brain that wont go away that is very scary because today i got off work early, which i think you would pick up on because i dont update unless i'm out of work and with someone with a computer or when i'm not at work but today i went to a local pawn shop after i got off around 12:00 and looked at a little hand gun that was pretty cheap and i know after doing this that i'm truely fucked up, well i've known this for a long time but its gotten worst and worst as i get older. I may come off to everyone as the goofy kid who is allways at che cosa talking to everyone etc etc but when i'm alone its different, i turn into the most depressed person i can think of. I know that i cant be alone for long, thats mainly why i'm allways at che cosa becuase if i'm at home alone it could get ugly. Plus i'm lonely and i want to find a special someone. even thou i'm not mentally ready for it i'd still like to try but also with hanging out with tony and megan i see myself as being the most naive and mainly dumb to the world person on earth. My brain only knows music and that to me is beautiful but its kinda sad too because i'm really like a little kid, mentally. I dont know how to handle myself around people, esp girls, which is hard because i think about being in love with a girl all day everyday, i think about holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc etc alot.I get these amazing images of me and a girl doing these things and for a brief moment, i'm happy but then i come back to reality and realize that i'm a 22 year old, ugly,miserable kid who has never even really kissed a girl, let alone really even talked to one and had a real conversation with, without making myself look like a fool or showing the girl that i'm so naive and dumb in that world that if whatever interest they had has gone by then. And i'm just sick of all of it, i'm tired of being the guy who only knows music and no one seems to take seriously as a person besides being a music freak and being the lonely man that no girl seems to want besides just being a friend or enemy. I'm tired of falling in love with these perfect girls who in turn want nothing to do with me. Its very stupid to be so sad about all this but i dont know how to deal with this stuff and i feel like a idiot talking to people about it because everytime i open up my mouth what was in my brain to say doesnt come out the way it should or it does in my head.
I've just gotten really bad like thinking about throwing away my phone and not coming to che cosa anymore but i know i will. I just need someone to love me and be there for me and help me when i fall and to not turn there back on me whenever i get too weird or screw things up.
I'm sorry for this crybaby stuff but it just needed to come out
again i'm sorry
bye