so funny i had to pass it on...
T-Shirt Hell.com's Newsletter...
Absolute hilarious, read why...
As for my other haunts, the truth of the matter is I have a deep and abiding
hatred of children. Now, you may remember several months ago I wrote an
article asking people to stop having children. But it didn't really address
what to do about the ones that are already here.
Here is my 5 point plan for dealing with children. Children are defined as
anyone below the age of 12. Exceptions are made for girls 10 and above who
bloomed early.
1. There should be a mandatory curfew for children. They should only be
allowed in public from 3-5pm Monday-Friday; and 11am -6pm on the weekend.
While they are in public, the parents are responsible for having some way to
entertain them. A portable DVD player with earphones is great. Any clear
plastic bag is an economical alternative. Don't give your child a noisy
handheld video game: it's like handing the child a drum or a fistful of
fireworks. While, I have no problem with you giving your child a fistful of
fireworks, I just ask that you do it at home.
2. One child is allowed in public per adult supervisor. No more field
trips, no more haggard women towing 5 screaming kids through the mall. If
you're pregnant that counts as your 1 kid.
3. Children are not allowed in movie theatres, or restaurants. The only
exceptions being themed restaurants, fast food joints, G-rated movies, or
anything with Sandra Bullock.
4. Children in public need to be drugged to make them quiet and compliant.
Parents who do not want to drug their children must physically restrain
them. They need to be muzzled, and strapped down to handcarts; sort of like
how they used to wheel Hannibal Lecter around in, "Silence of the Lambs".
5. Children not restrained (see above) will be equipped with leashes and
shock collars. The controls for the shock collars will be publicly
available. Anyone seeing a misbehaving child will have the ability to
activate the shock collars.
Parents and children unwilling to follow these rules will be sent to labor
camps where they will sew t-shirts, or build shock collars and handcarts.
The other option for parents who don't want to follow these rules is to
leave their children at home when they go out. That's why God made TV, and
books of matches.
So in closing, please write to your congressman, representative, or local
warlord, and tell them you want them to endorse the T-Shirt Hell Childcare
Act of 2005. If they refuse, tell them you know all about the videotape.
You don't need to be specific; they'll know what you're talking about.
Absolute hilarious, read why...
As for my other haunts, the truth of the matter is I have a deep and abiding
hatred of children. Now, you may remember several months ago I wrote an
article asking people to stop having children. But it didn't really address
what to do about the ones that are already here.
Here is my 5 point plan for dealing with children. Children are defined as
anyone below the age of 12. Exceptions are made for girls 10 and above who
bloomed early.
1. There should be a mandatory curfew for children. They should only be
allowed in public from 3-5pm Monday-Friday; and 11am -6pm on the weekend.
While they are in public, the parents are responsible for having some way to
entertain them. A portable DVD player with earphones is great. Any clear
plastic bag is an economical alternative. Don't give your child a noisy
handheld video game: it's like handing the child a drum or a fistful of
fireworks. While, I have no problem with you giving your child a fistful of
fireworks, I just ask that you do it at home.
2. One child is allowed in public per adult supervisor. No more field
trips, no more haggard women towing 5 screaming kids through the mall. If
you're pregnant that counts as your 1 kid.
3. Children are not allowed in movie theatres, or restaurants. The only
exceptions being themed restaurants, fast food joints, G-rated movies, or
anything with Sandra Bullock.
4. Children in public need to be drugged to make them quiet and compliant.
Parents who do not want to drug their children must physically restrain
them. They need to be muzzled, and strapped down to handcarts; sort of like
how they used to wheel Hannibal Lecter around in, "Silence of the Lambs".
5. Children not restrained (see above) will be equipped with leashes and
shock collars. The controls for the shock collars will be publicly
available. Anyone seeing a misbehaving child will have the ability to
activate the shock collars.
Parents and children unwilling to follow these rules will be sent to labor
camps where they will sew t-shirts, or build shock collars and handcarts.
The other option for parents who don't want to follow these rules is to
leave their children at home when they go out. That's why God made TV, and
books of matches.
So in closing, please write to your congressman, representative, or local
warlord, and tell them you want them to endorse the T-Shirt Hell Childcare
Act of 2005. If they refuse, tell them you know all about the videotape.
You don't need to be specific; they'll know what you're talking about.