A Long Time Coming..
Kinda in the form of a letter: Sort of: Several different letters: And alot of this relates to several different people:
Do you know that you've changed me so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you too; if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens. It's crazy to think of how much I've grown up this Summer. So much has changed. The people I'm friends with, the people I associate with, the type of guys I date, even my morals. I've learned a lot this Summer. I've learned how to really love...with everything I have. And believe it or not, I don't regret it. Not a single second of it. I've went through more pain in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life and yet...I don't regret a minute of it. Sure, it's been hard. Yea, I admit things have been very, very tough but I'm making it and I have never, NEVER been more proud of myself for the way that I've handled things in the last 3 months. I knew that life wasn't going to be easy but I just didn't think that it would be this hard. But I've made it. I'm standing here, about to start my last year of high school. Wow.
So I'll be graduating in about 10 months. Yup. I'm a big Senior this year. So much has changed. I look back at the last 3 years of High School and I see the girl I was when I started my Freshmen year. I'm not that same little girl. Not at all. It's crazy. But I'm proud of who I've become. Sure, it may seem like I went from bad to worse but I didn't. I've grown up a lot in the last 3 years and I am very, very proud of myself. And for once...there's people who are proud of me as well. And I'm so lucky to have people that are going to make saying goodbye so very hard. 10 months down the road I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people. Some of which have made the last 4 years of high school complete hell...and others that made it worth waking up in the morning. I'll be saying goodbye to people that I love. People that taught me the meaning of friendship. People that have given me endless support. And even people that have given me endless ridicule only to show me that it was for my own good that they did it. I wish I was giving a Graduation speech because I would say: "To every girl who gossiped about me in the corners of parties; to those who were my slap in the face; to the closeminded or the misunderstanding; to those who broke my heart; you all challenged me to become the person I wanted to be. I am stronger because of the trials you put me through and no matter what you've done to me, you have unknowingly done so much more for me." Gosh...I wish I could have the chance to say that to the entire school...it would really make me feel better. Maybe I'll put it in a Grad-Ad from me to the school or maybe I'll put it in the Last Will and Testament. Hell, I dunno. I just hope that I'll get the chance to say it. It's funny how we laughed when they said that we wouldn't want to leave High School and I know that I'm going to be bawling my eyes out when they tell me that I have to. I've learned that there's some people who aren't meant to fit into my life, no matter how much I want them to. And I know now that letting go isn't a one time thing. It's something you have to do over and over again...every single day.
I've met some good people since Summer started too. I've grown close to a few people and I've grown apart from others. But the people I've grown close to have taught me stuff in such a short time. There was times when they would have no clue what to say to me, no clue how to end my pain, but to give me a hug. And they knew that it wouldn't take my pain away, that it wouldn't make the problem go away, but that it would give me this little ounce of hope, that would make it all okay...even if it was just for a moment. They've taught me that things are going to happen in life that I can't stop, ya know? But that's no reason to shut out the entire world. There are people who really want to help me, who want to see me happy...and that's the people that I need to remember when I'm upset. They have showed me that your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and you grow with every choice you make. Everything's worth it.
Do you know that I fell in love for the first time this Summer? I mean real, passionate, raw love? And that I gave him my everything...and that it wasn't good enough? Yea. And do you know what I learned from that? That sometimes no matter how much you love someone, they won't love you back. And that it's ok. Yup...I said...it's o.k. And it is. But I'll never forget it. I'll never forget how I've never slept better then when all I could smell on my pillow was the scent of him. Yup, I'll never forget that. So while the tears are starting to slow down now. The pain still remains constant. It's a constant reminder that I loved with everything I had...and that I lost...and that it's ok. Even now...as I look back...if his name comes up in any conversation, no matter the nature, my eyes sparkle and my smile shines. To this second. And why, you ask? Why after he hurt me do I still care? ...Because I know that I love him. And that although the hurt will fade with time. It will always be there. And I'll always look back on this Summer and be thankful that I had the chance to go through so much pain and not regret it because I had the chance to experience love. Who could be regretful of that? However, I will always wish that I was more than the girl whose only purpose was to help him find out who he was really in love with though. I'll always wish that he could feel the passion, the emotion that I felt while I was with him. And I'll always wish that I could tell him how much he really changed me. But I won't. Because sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that mean the most, the things that matter the most. But I also know that it's the things you don't say that you regret the most. It's like a double sided sword. Either way it's going to hurt. And for the longest time, after he and I broke up, I was just trying to find someone to love as much as I loved him, but now I realize that it's never going to happen. I will never love another human being as much as I do him. Because he was my first love. And my first real heartbreak. And it's taught me that it only hurts when you stop pretending that it doesn't. And I miss him. Not enough to want him back, but just enough for it to hurt. But there's just some things you have to be okay with being without...and he's one of my "some things."
I've learned so much about myself as well. I now know that sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone than to risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it's easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I'm scared. But when I act numb towards someone, it doesn't mean that I dont' care. It means that I think I care too much. I've learned that I can't just blow things off and that the little things are the things that hurt me the most. I've learned that I can't keep things to myself...I have to tell somebody. I have to be able to talk about my problems with somebody. And I have to hear them say that things will be okay. But I realize now that I often choose the wrong people and that it gets me even more hurt. So I guess all in all I also learned that I bring a lot of the hurt I feel upon myself.
And I learned partly what I'm looking for. I want someone who for once, instead of teling me the reasons why I shouldn't cry, actually pays attention to the reasons why I am crying. I want someone who's going to be my best friend...who can tell me that everything's going to be okay and really mean it. I want the simple things...and I realize now that from the people I wanted it from...I was wrong. I can't get it from them. I have to venture out and see the world...see what else there is. And then I can truly be happy.
So, before I finish this. I want you to think about this. Think about how different it would be if you had never met the person who changed everything. Would things be better, worse, the same?
So in the last 3 months, I've learned so much....grown so much....changed so much. People say that the ones you love you'd die for but I don't agree. I say the ones that I love, I live my life for. And I've definitely met some of those people that I'm going to live my life for. I've learned that you can always tell how much you love someone by how much they can hurt you. I've been hurt...and I've been in love. And I know how both of them feel. It's like opposite ends of the rainbow. But it's extraordinary. I've learned that sometimes life breaks your heart but it doesn't have to break your spirit. There's a lot of good things out there...a lot of good people...and I've finally found my place among them. :)
Do you know that you've changed me so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you too; if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens. It's crazy to think of how much I've grown up this Summer. So much has changed. The people I'm friends with, the people I associate with, the type of guys I date, even my morals. I've learned a lot this Summer. I've learned how to really love...with everything I have. And believe it or not, I don't regret it. Not a single second of it. I've went through more pain in the past 3 months than I have in my entire life and yet...I don't regret a minute of it. Sure, it's been hard. Yea, I admit things have been very, very tough but I'm making it and I have never, NEVER been more proud of myself for the way that I've handled things in the last 3 months. I knew that life wasn't going to be easy but I just didn't think that it would be this hard. But I've made it. I'm standing here, about to start my last year of high school. Wow.
So I'll be graduating in about 10 months. Yup. I'm a big Senior this year. So much has changed. I look back at the last 3 years of High School and I see the girl I was when I started my Freshmen year. I'm not that same little girl. Not at all. It's crazy. But I'm proud of who I've become. Sure, it may seem like I went from bad to worse but I didn't. I've grown up a lot in the last 3 years and I am very, very proud of myself. And for once...there's people who are proud of me as well. And I'm so lucky to have people that are going to make saying goodbye so very hard. 10 months down the road I'm going to have to say goodbye to a lot of people. Some of which have made the last 4 years of high school complete hell...and others that made it worth waking up in the morning. I'll be saying goodbye to people that I love. People that taught me the meaning of friendship. People that have given me endless support. And even people that have given me endless ridicule only to show me that it was for my own good that they did it. I wish I was giving a Graduation speech because I would say: "To every girl who gossiped about me in the corners of parties; to those who were my slap in the face; to the closeminded or the misunderstanding; to those who broke my heart; you all challenged me to become the person I wanted to be. I am stronger because of the trials you put me through and no matter what you've done to me, you have unknowingly done so much more for me." Gosh...I wish I could have the chance to say that to the entire school...it would really make me feel better. Maybe I'll put it in a Grad-Ad from me to the school or maybe I'll put it in the Last Will and Testament. Hell, I dunno. I just hope that I'll get the chance to say it. It's funny how we laughed when they said that we wouldn't want to leave High School and I know that I'm going to be bawling my eyes out when they tell me that I have to. I've learned that there's some people who aren't meant to fit into my life, no matter how much I want them to. And I know now that letting go isn't a one time thing. It's something you have to do over and over again...every single day.
I've met some good people since Summer started too. I've grown close to a few people and I've grown apart from others. But the people I've grown close to have taught me stuff in such a short time. There was times when they would have no clue what to say to me, no clue how to end my pain, but to give me a hug. And they knew that it wouldn't take my pain away, that it wouldn't make the problem go away, but that it would give me this little ounce of hope, that would make it all okay...even if it was just for a moment. They've taught me that things are going to happen in life that I can't stop, ya know? But that's no reason to shut out the entire world. There are people who really want to help me, who want to see me happy...and that's the people that I need to remember when I'm upset. They have showed me that your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and you grow with every choice you make. Everything's worth it.
Do you know that I fell in love for the first time this Summer? I mean real, passionate, raw love? And that I gave him my everything...and that it wasn't good enough? Yea. And do you know what I learned from that? That sometimes no matter how much you love someone, they won't love you back. And that it's ok. Yup...I said...it's o.k. And it is. But I'll never forget it. I'll never forget how I've never slept better then when all I could smell on my pillow was the scent of him. Yup, I'll never forget that. So while the tears are starting to slow down now. The pain still remains constant. It's a constant reminder that I loved with everything I had...and that I lost...and that it's ok. Even now...as I look back...if his name comes up in any conversation, no matter the nature, my eyes sparkle and my smile shines. To this second. And why, you ask? Why after he hurt me do I still care? ...Because I know that I love him. And that although the hurt will fade with time. It will always be there. And I'll always look back on this Summer and be thankful that I had the chance to go through so much pain and not regret it because I had the chance to experience love. Who could be regretful of that? However, I will always wish that I was more than the girl whose only purpose was to help him find out who he was really in love with though. I'll always wish that he could feel the passion, the emotion that I felt while I was with him. And I'll always wish that I could tell him how much he really changed me. But I won't. Because sometimes the hardest things to say are the things that mean the most, the things that matter the most. But I also know that it's the things you don't say that you regret the most. It's like a double sided sword. Either way it's going to hurt. And for the longest time, after he and I broke up, I was just trying to find someone to love as much as I loved him, but now I realize that it's never going to happen. I will never love another human being as much as I do him. Because he was my first love. And my first real heartbreak. And it's taught me that it only hurts when you stop pretending that it doesn't. And I miss him. Not enough to want him back, but just enough for it to hurt. But there's just some things you have to be okay with being without...and he's one of my "some things."
I've learned so much about myself as well. I now know that sometimes it's easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings. Sometimes it's easier to try to make it alone than to risk getting hurt again. Sometimes it's easier to be numb towards certain people so I don't let them get too close. Sometimes I'm scared. But when I act numb towards someone, it doesn't mean that I dont' care. It means that I think I care too much. I've learned that I can't just blow things off and that the little things are the things that hurt me the most. I've learned that I can't keep things to myself...I have to tell somebody. I have to be able to talk about my problems with somebody. And I have to hear them say that things will be okay. But I realize now that I often choose the wrong people and that it gets me even more hurt. So I guess all in all I also learned that I bring a lot of the hurt I feel upon myself.
And I learned partly what I'm looking for. I want someone who for once, instead of teling me the reasons why I shouldn't cry, actually pays attention to the reasons why I am crying. I want someone who's going to be my best friend...who can tell me that everything's going to be okay and really mean it. I want the simple things...and I realize now that from the people I wanted it from...I was wrong. I can't get it from them. I have to venture out and see the world...see what else there is. And then I can truly be happy.
So, before I finish this. I want you to think about this. Think about how different it would be if you had never met the person who changed everything. Would things be better, worse, the same?
So in the last 3 months, I've learned so much....grown so much....changed so much. People say that the ones you love you'd die for but I don't agree. I say the ones that I love, I live my life for. And I've definitely met some of those people that I'm going to live my life for. I've learned that you can always tell how much you love someone by how much they can hurt you. I've been hurt...and I've been in love. And I know how both of them feel. It's like opposite ends of the rainbow. But it's extraordinary. I've learned that sometimes life breaks your heart but it doesn't have to break your spirit. There's a lot of good things out there...a lot of good people...and I've finally found my place among them. :)