If I could know then, what I know now
January 15th...geez, seems like every time i look at the date, time flys right on by. another year has flown by and what can i say? lots of things happened. I dont keep up anymore by writing online, let alone off-line. I used to write so much. I cleaned out some boxes of crap I have had for years(we wont ask why?)and I came across all my journals dated as far back as my freshman yr in high school. that is pretty far back. the sad thing is i told Anna she could read some of the ones i had written while i was at LSU back during times between the ages of 18-22/23...
I know now why sometimes when you physically write in journals, journals you never thought or think someone would once read, YOU NEVER LET OTHER PPL READ THEM. Or even let yourself go back and read them. i sometimes ask myself why or who developed this concept of having a "LIVEJOURNAL" OR "BLOGGING" OR "MYSPACE"...?????????
Do any of us really write our true feelings down anymore? I did for the longest time I think? Yes I did. Then I didnt. Then I did. It got so complicated I noticed I stopped writing completely. I stopped writing a long time ago really. I think I was around 24 or 25. that was a turning point in my life. Toooooo much drama in my life really to even keep up with. I think there are many ppl around to attest for that. but thankfully I have long moved passed that phase in my life.
Anyway, i had decided a while back during the time that I let Anna read a couple of pages of my old journals, that i was going to take all my old journals together and have this great big bonfest. I had read some entries from days when I first moved to the great BR and just sat there and cried. i cried for hours. I actually cried through a lot of my journal entries i had written over the first couple of years living here in BR. i dont thinks kids realize how hard and lonely it really is out there once they graduate from high school and move out and on their own into the great unknown. go to college, go out with new ppl they dont know, get sucked in by the glamour of going out and the partying and drinking, and then to realize its morning and you are laying there on the floor, hung-over, somewhere you have no idea where? with ppl you dont even remember from the night before meeting? and you think???? what the hell did i do??? where am I??? how did I get here? how do I get home? and WHAT DID I REALLY DO LAST NIGHT AND DID I REALLY "DO ANYTHING WITH SOMEONE"???????
there's no more mom or dad yelling at you to get up to go to school. no more eat your breakfast. no more did you do all your homework? is your project done? dont forget this or that? dont be late!!! do you have enough money? DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY????? there is noooooo more of that...if there is nooooo money in your pocket sweetie, or in your bank account(if your lucky to have one-and your not one of those rich bitches that was born with a silver spoon in your mouth already like half of the student body at LSU I encountered!!!)then you were shit out of luck. that was just it....what was that expression SINK OR SWIM?....SWIM BABY, SWIM BABY.....
And so the journals went on like that...that was daily living...life on your own, life at LSU, life out of LSU cause I didnt have a college tuition saved up from my parents so i had to work and save for it to go back to LSU, life working in restaurants after restaurants, life going out to the bars to go dancing-it was my only escape from reality and life(my only freedom-to just be out on the dance floor and keeping my eyes closed for three hours twice a week from the harsh realities of life into never-neverland) I thank god I had a brother who saved me from half of the harsh realities of being on my own away from home(Alexandria, Virginia)...
then came the real harsh realities of life....the part that they dont teach you in school really. the part your mother and dad try to warn you but you kinda brush them off cause you think your parents are lame and dont "know" anything...and funny enough you see it on tv or in the movies but you never think it really happens or its real...but think about it, where do you think they get the ideas to make the tv shows and the movies about it.....
the first loves, the heartbreaks, the scandals, the relationships, the breakups, the tramps, the cheaters, the cheatees, the rapes, the jaded, the stds, the list goes on....
If I could know then, what I know now...I never thought that expression would ever mean so much to me....wow! Strange enough though, I would be who I am today or where I am today. I've made lots of mistakes and lots of errors along the way and for those I have paid dearly, so I believe. I have apologized to those I have done wrong and learned from how I have done wrong...you learn as you get older, so many things that seemed "soooo" important to you back in those days-dont seem to mean much or matter much these days. I remember in high school i used to like this one guy-let me rephrase that-I "seemed" to have been so madly "in-love" with him. John Harris. I dont think I could forget his name if I was hypnotized to forget due to all the trama i went through, thanks to all my friends(i still love you all!!!) Well I mean just like any girl who knows or finds out that the guy they like has a girlfriend or something and is not interested in you-your heart gets broken. Okay i was 14 years old!!!!give me a break!!!The stupid crush lasted all four years-it was sad........SOOOOOOOOOOO SAAAAAAAAAAAD....
WHATS EVEN WORSE NOW OR FUNNY IS ALL THIS TIME IVE BEEN A FREAKING LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!
So what was soooo important then, is not important by far years down the road....and I know the exact time I got over John to the date...August 21,1993....the first night i went out in BR, LA....how quickly the mind and heart of an 18yr old can change, you know?;-)
So in the end of the whole journal burning fest that this really started out to be----I've gathered them-i have done it. But my reasoning---those journals are part of my PAST. and my Past is not what i want to live in anymore. I try to focus now on my present which in turn will lead me into my future....along with my Anna, where I belong...i love her. she is my heart, now for the last 14 months and 15 days....funny enough the first longest "consecutive" relationship Ive been in ever. That means so much to me and more.
I know now why sometimes when you physically write in journals, journals you never thought or think someone would once read, YOU NEVER LET OTHER PPL READ THEM. Or even let yourself go back and read them. i sometimes ask myself why or who developed this concept of having a "LIVEJOURNAL" OR "BLOGGING" OR "MYSPACE"...?????????
Do any of us really write our true feelings down anymore? I did for the longest time I think? Yes I did. Then I didnt. Then I did. It got so complicated I noticed I stopped writing completely. I stopped writing a long time ago really. I think I was around 24 or 25. that was a turning point in my life. Toooooo much drama in my life really to even keep up with. I think there are many ppl around to attest for that. but thankfully I have long moved passed that phase in my life.
Anyway, i had decided a while back during the time that I let Anna read a couple of pages of my old journals, that i was going to take all my old journals together and have this great big bonfest. I had read some entries from days when I first moved to the great BR and just sat there and cried. i cried for hours. I actually cried through a lot of my journal entries i had written over the first couple of years living here in BR. i dont thinks kids realize how hard and lonely it really is out there once they graduate from high school and move out and on their own into the great unknown. go to college, go out with new ppl they dont know, get sucked in by the glamour of going out and the partying and drinking, and then to realize its morning and you are laying there on the floor, hung-over, somewhere you have no idea where? with ppl you dont even remember from the night before meeting? and you think???? what the hell did i do??? where am I??? how did I get here? how do I get home? and WHAT DID I REALLY DO LAST NIGHT AND DID I REALLY "DO ANYTHING WITH SOMEONE"???????
there's no more mom or dad yelling at you to get up to go to school. no more eat your breakfast. no more did you do all your homework? is your project done? dont forget this or that? dont be late!!! do you have enough money? DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY????? there is noooooo more of that...if there is nooooo money in your pocket sweetie, or in your bank account(if your lucky to have one-and your not one of those rich bitches that was born with a silver spoon in your mouth already like half of the student body at LSU I encountered!!!)then you were shit out of luck. that was just it....what was that expression SINK OR SWIM?....SWIM BABY, SWIM BABY.....
And so the journals went on like that...that was daily living...life on your own, life at LSU, life out of LSU cause I didnt have a college tuition saved up from my parents so i had to work and save for it to go back to LSU, life working in restaurants after restaurants, life going out to the bars to go dancing-it was my only escape from reality and life(my only freedom-to just be out on the dance floor and keeping my eyes closed for three hours twice a week from the harsh realities of life into never-neverland) I thank god I had a brother who saved me from half of the harsh realities of being on my own away from home(Alexandria, Virginia)...
then came the real harsh realities of life....the part that they dont teach you in school really. the part your mother and dad try to warn you but you kinda brush them off cause you think your parents are lame and dont "know" anything...and funny enough you see it on tv or in the movies but you never think it really happens or its real...but think about it, where do you think they get the ideas to make the tv shows and the movies about it.....
the first loves, the heartbreaks, the scandals, the relationships, the breakups, the tramps, the cheaters, the cheatees, the rapes, the jaded, the stds, the list goes on....
If I could know then, what I know now...I never thought that expression would ever mean so much to me....wow! Strange enough though, I would be who I am today or where I am today. I've made lots of mistakes and lots of errors along the way and for those I have paid dearly, so I believe. I have apologized to those I have done wrong and learned from how I have done wrong...you learn as you get older, so many things that seemed "soooo" important to you back in those days-dont seem to mean much or matter much these days. I remember in high school i used to like this one guy-let me rephrase that-I "seemed" to have been so madly "in-love" with him. John Harris. I dont think I could forget his name if I was hypnotized to forget due to all the trama i went through, thanks to all my friends(i still love you all!!!) Well I mean just like any girl who knows or finds out that the guy they like has a girlfriend or something and is not interested in you-your heart gets broken. Okay i was 14 years old!!!!give me a break!!!The stupid crush lasted all four years-it was sad........SOOOOOOOOOOO SAAAAAAAAAAAD....
WHATS EVEN WORSE NOW OR FUNNY IS ALL THIS TIME IVE BEEN A FREAKING LESBIAN!!!!!!!!!!
So what was soooo important then, is not important by far years down the road....and I know the exact time I got over John to the date...August 21,1993....the first night i went out in BR, LA....how quickly the mind and heart of an 18yr old can change, you know?;-)
So in the end of the whole journal burning fest that this really started out to be----I've gathered them-i have done it. But my reasoning---those journals are part of my PAST. and my Past is not what i want to live in anymore. I try to focus now on my present which in turn will lead me into my future....along with my Anna, where I belong...i love her. she is my heart, now for the last 14 months and 15 days....funny enough the first longest "consecutive" relationship Ive been in ever. That means so much to me and more.