i should be writing a paper
wow, two years are gone and i feel like i've gotten LESS mature haha. every day i feel like i have less and less control over everything in my life. for some reason everything just seems to be piling up on me with no relief. I need a reality check. Who am i in the scheme of this world? What was i born to do? Everyone has a purpose but what's mine? It's so corny but i dunno how else to say it. College has been QUITE the experience. Political Science to theatre MAY have been a good choice. i LOVE my friends...sometimes haha, and i have had amazing opportunities and had a BLAST but i can't help thinking that i have don somethign wrong. I can't help but feel like i am a person who i don't even know. Myabe it's just this time of year. It's the end of the year and some of the people who i've relied on for two years now to be my rocks are leaving me and I have felt loss before...but not like this...i don't even wanna think about next year. I know that they are all moving on to bigger and better things in life and that everything changes. BUT i am SO afraid that i'll never see them again. Nate has been there for me, Libby has been my friend no matter what, Jenny is amazing and i can't bear to think i'll never talk to her again, Tatum is amazing and i had a hard enough time knowing she was gone this semester, Abby and Sarah are moving on, and all of my new senior friends like Jennie, Lindsay, Kate, Elyse, Mike, Jon, i can't even think of everyone and i wish i had been able to meet them before because they're amazing people and now i have to say goodbye! :(...THIS SUCKS, and i can't even talk about Sean...i wouldn't know where to start...the love of my life...i have never felt this way before and i couldn't even try to explain it to anyone, it hurts so much and at the same time is the most amazing feeling in the world but do NOT ask me how that makes any sense...i hate him, i love him ...personally i think i'm just head over heels in love...im just unlucky. I think i should forwarn everyone i meet with a sign that says "damaged goods - back off, NOT INTERESTED"...i don't even know...i can't shake this feeling that i'll never see anyone again...and it's partially due to career choice. People in theatre are ALL over the place, if they're successful and i wish nothing more than for all of them to be successful. I'll be here at UNH for awhile longer and someday my time will come and there will be people under me staying here and I will bawl my eyes out to leave my friends that are leaving and the ones that are staying...i just want to be strong enough to handle all of this crazy emotional shit i wish i didn't have to deal with. I wish everything would just work and that i didn't have to worry and be afraid of the future, but maybe that makes life more exciting...in a piss me off kinda way haha...SIGH....i love you all...i guess this is part of growing up............................................