This is literally my most personal entry ever. It took ages to write. Does it help me?
This entry is my attempted catharsis.
Coping with the ongoing after effects of an ex-partners physical/sexual problem (vaginismus).
I suppose this is just my way of writing down my thoughts about something that has made me sad and unhappy for a couple of years now.
So, after nearly a year of seeing my (at the time) girlfriend, we built it up to the stage in our relationship where we wanted to make love to each other. We'd gone on holiday together, and had our own room, privacy, and no one around. Things were perfect. The first evening we 'tried', it didn't work, for lack of a better term. To cut to the chase and keep things non-seedy, I wasn't able to 'fit' inside her. In that literally, we weren't able to embrace each other in that way, because her vagina just couldn't take any sort of insertion.
Fast forward maybe 2 weeks or so. We tried to make love again, but no dice. At this point, things were not bothering us too much, we just thought it might take a while as it was both our first time, and perhaps these things take time.
A few months passed. We'd tried everything we could think of, different positions mainly. None of this worked. At this point my partner was getting rather distressed, as was I. A few months turned into 6+ months and we decided to seek help. I did the necessary leg work to research a place we could go and find help. In the end none of the places I found were suitable, and so we went to a Relate centre near where my partner lived. The main notion behind most of Relates work is pretty damn shoddy- they appear to have an unofficial creed to offer support and counseling to married Christian couples. Which we were obviously neither of those. Anyway, we booked up some counseling sessions, rather sceptically. Our first appointment was a consultation, to confirm our previous suspicions that my partner had vaginismus.
(Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vagina tighten (contract) against your will, causing the vagina to spasm. In some cases, this can be quite painful.
It is a psychological problem that shows itself in a physical way and is fairly common among women, especially women in their late teens to thirties.)
More counseling sessions were booked. A regular Monday night slot, 7:30, for an hour or so every week. I'd travel an hour and a half to my partners home town, meet her there, we'd go to counseling and then I'd walk her home and go back an hour and a half to my house in the evening. A couple of sessions had taken place, and I was feeling a bit more confident in the fact that at least we'd be getting help, and advice, on how to help this situation, and that at least being young and healthy was on our side with all of this.
The break up part of this story.
However cracks began to appear in our relationship. We were both emotionally spent from (what was now) months of tears, heartache and confusion about what was going on- why were we going through this? We were just two young people in love, who wanted to share something together, yet it seemed we were unable to express our love in that way. My partner kept finding holes to pick in me, reasons to take shots at me, and I would accept whatever she said to me, suck it up and not say anything back, because I felt maybe she was deflecting all her heartbreak about her condition onto me. She would continously tell me she was "worthless" and couldn't function properly, and I felt like a failure because no matter how many nights I'd just hold her in my arms and we'd fall asleep together, and I'd tell her she was the best person on the planet, and that I'd stroke her hair until she calmly drifted off, I couldn't seem to show her that she meant so much, and that this sexual problem we were going through, was something we could work on, and that anyway the sex side of it was only a small segment of a relationship. Soon she'd pick on me for the smallest things, things that didn't warrant a grievance, and it caused tension, because for once, I thought I'd stick up for myself and state my case. I'd always back down though, because I'll just as soon let someone win the argument than risk upsetting them, especially someone I cared this much for.
We had a few sessions at Relate, and for one reason or another, soon after we broke up. This was around May of 2007. I always told myself that if we broke up, I would be completely destroyed. Yet I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. We had a week or two of talking on the phone, trying to sort things out. About a month later we met up, and slowly, we rebuilt our relationship, and although we never actually said we were back together, we unnoficially were. I had a resentment inside for a while that completely tore me apart that we'd broken up in the first place because the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt her, and/or somehow make her feel bad about the vaginismus.
She would often say to me "are we going to get back together? I think we should" or "we're soul mates. I love you. We should be together." But I would hesitate to let her know exactly how I felt, because other days she would tell me she just wanted any man in the world to touch her, and that she wanted to date around, and didn't care what happened...I got the feeling she in reality didn't just want any man, but instead wanted to try and find a solution to the vaginismus- in the form of a random guy possibly 'fixing' her. The power was in her corner because (it was me that broke up with her) so when I told her I'd made a mistake and wanted to be with her, for a month or two she would tell me it wasn't ever going to happen. A realisation set in that I had possibly made one of my biggest mistakes ever. I'd cry on the phone to her- not just silly tears, but the type of pain and crying you get when you realise you've done something terrible, and there's a whole in your chest that you've created of your own doing.
So, it was about May-ish that we broke up. June time we started seeing each other again, as mentioned. The mentions of her saying she didn't want to commit to me became less frequent, but she'd still mention them. She said that I should pay for her therapy at Relate (she was going to go on her own) because it was my fault...
The 'me trying to cope with things- part 1' part of this story...
So she starts going to Relate, on her own, and I pay her money towards it. The idea of this seems a bit...like she's taking advantage of me somehow. I realise that we came into the problem together, and we discovered it together, but she was saying that she didn't want me to try and help her with the problem anymore, yet she wanted me to pay towards therapy. She soon left the counseling sessions, saying they weren't working.
It's about August time now, we were still unnoficially seeing each other again. We even went on holiday to the Isle Of Wight. It felt good to have a closeness again that we shared previously. She bought some books and a kit from America to help deal with her vaginismus. She would still tell me all the time that she felt like a failure and felt terrible. My heart broke for her, even at that point in things I didn't want her to be sad and to not be able to have a basic right that every human is entitled to- being able to express themselves, using their body, however they choose.
September ish time, and she says she wants an open relationship- apparently the way we had it at that point in time was too restricting, somehow. We had a certain 'agreement' so to speak- we'd stopped sleeping in the same bed, but we'd spend weekends together, but when we both got in the mood we'd do stuff together...luckily we were still able to turn each other on, even if we couldn't achieve intercourse together. Amongst these developments though I could tell she was still hurting from not being able to reach the goal she had- to be able to achieve insertion- be it not even insertion of me, but anything. She'd started to say "I want to touch and feel other guys. Any guy." again. This made me feel both used (like she was just using me until someone/something better came along) and also insecure.
October ish time, she tells me she doesn't even want an open relationship anymore. Just friends. No touching, no sexual contact, just normal friends. I deal with this and try to move on- everything between us, in that respect, has essentially been sealed off and ended now. We managed to keep this up for 2/3 weeks but by November, the lure of feeling each other bodies had become too much and we'd occasionally enjoy sexual contact again. Not for much longer though, because...
The 'me trying to cope with things part 2' part of this story...
November- she meets some guy online. I actually inadvertently helped her meet this guy too... that's another story. She gets chatting to him, and they decide to meet as 'just friends'...she told me that nothing was going to happen, and anyway, I'd always have a place in her heart because I was special and never to forget that. She met up with him. The next day me and her...did stuff. That was to be the last time we would ever have intimate contact again. The next week her and him were together. I was happy for her in the respect that she had found someone to make her happy, but also quite crushed as I felt that I had failed her somehow- we were no longer together, and what had I done to help cure her condition? Absolutely nothing. She'd told me several times by now that I was special, and she'd never forget me.
The months go past and I am trying to come to terms with her problem, still. She tells me in detail that her new boyfriend is very supportive, so on and so forth. I don't want to hear any of these details- it makes me feel weird, understandably.
Every day pretty much becomes filled with sadness for me, thinking about the whole situation. Up until about a month or so ago, I couldn't bear to think of things. Our counsellor at Relate told us it was not possible for me (or a partner of the person suffering with vaginismus) to have caused it- it's to do with other issues in the persons history. Still, my partner blamed me, essentially saying I'd ruined her life. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to forget we'd ever happened, and that things were a mistake. She said I'd taken advantage of her.
So now it's in the position where she has help, and a support network and a new boyfriend to help her. That's great for her. I just can't describe...how it feels to me, with what happened. We couldn't achieve intercourse, or penetration. I guess I am still technically a virgin at 23 years old. I can't describe how it feels to think you've possibly been part of the cause of fucking someones life up...even though it's not your fault. You still feel a part of it. My heart becomes heavy with sadness and nervousness when I realise what we went through. She said that most guys would have left a girl in that position, but that's not true surely? I know alot of dicks would leave a girl if they weren't able to have sex with them, but the notion of me doing that to a girl because of that reason is mind boggling. I tried to support her. I told her every single day what she meant to me, and not to worry because we would overcome the problem together. I held her when she cried her heart out.
I feel like I'm the one who's broken- I'm intimidated to become involved in a close relationship. I worry I could 'break' a girl again, to fuck her up, and have her resent me for it- much as has seemed to have happened here. I don't fear the intimacy of touching someone, holding someone, of kissing someone- it's just the act of doing the thing I couldn't achieve with my previous partner that I worry about. I have built it up into my head after being told by her how wrong I was, and how I fucked her up, and that has transponded into my feelings about future girlfriends. I know it's stoopid to compare what happened then, to what will happen in the future, but I just worry, when my first experience is like that, what else could happen? Could I do the same to my next girlfriend, and cause them this much torment?
I opened myself up so much to her. I tried everything in my power to make her feel better. I like a failure that I was unable to help cure someone that I (at the time) loved with all of my heart and soul.
The 'after effects' of all of this...
3 days ago the ex (mentioned in this story) told me that she no longer wanted contact with me. She said I was a bad part of her past, and in order to carry on with life and get better, she had to cut me out. That hurt alot, even though I wanted to say the same thing to her- I needed to forget about her and her chump of a boyfriend, and to forget about the condition she had, as cruel as it sounds, I need to start focussing on myself for once. I need to gain some sort of positive perspective. I ask myself sometimes "If my next girlfriend also suffered from vaginismus, what would I do??" the answer : I'd offer her my love and support, and just try to be there for her as much as possible. I'm not sure what I'd tell her about my previous relationship, as it could get awkward.
I think this whole thing will tear me apart for a while. A friend of mine actually offered my sex the other day- but I'm not feeling the whole 'fuck buddy' thing right now. It's not really my kinda thing. I wish I could find a girl to hold me right now, and let me get this all out of my system, because talking about it on here doesn't totally make it help. I'm over the relationship, totally over the girl, but the remnants of the problem she had that we shared still hurt. She actually said I'm not to tell anyone about this, as it's her problem and I was forbidden from telling people, but I am. This was my problem too and it's still my problem today. It still hurts. About 2/3 people have access to this Livejournal anyway. Besides, I don't talk to/communicate with her anymore, this is my problem that I am dealing with.
There is no support for men in this position- to most, it's just seen as the females problem, and there is plenty of support for women who suffer from it, which is good. I am sure it is a common feeling amongst men who's partners suffer/suffered from this that they (the man) are a failure, unable to do one thing.I have felt like this before.
It feels like there is no one to talk to- before we discovered my ex's condition, I'd never even heard of it. And delving deeper into researching it there was zero support out there for the men affected by it.
I wish I could find another man that has been through this to talk to, and see how they coped. Thinking about this and everything that has happened, keeps bringing back memories of the relationship, which is not good, as they are not good memories. I need to let go.
Somedays I'll feel totally shit about it all, other days it doesn't cross my mind- I know I am really blowing things out of proportion, but it would appear that this whole scenario has fucked me up somewhat- I guess it's because we were both 19/20 year olds just wanting to make love and experience that, something most people would agree is a pretty natural, loving thing, but we couldn't, and now I feel somewhat alien, because I'm not sure how it's going to be when I find a girlfriend again in the future.
I know things will get better, I just have to find a way to forget about everything and start afresh.
I know this whole entry will sound quite selfish and self centered, but I had tried to support her for so long, and be there for her, but I never got to talk about my feelings much- I feared if I caved in and showed her how I felt about things, she'd feel even worse about the situation. I suppose, in hindsight, it was catch 22- if I showed her my complete emotion, she'd feel terrible. But then at least she'd know how I felt about it all. So this Live Journal entry is my way of writing things down, and getting shit off my chest.
What a cunt!
Coping with the ongoing after effects of an ex-partners physical/sexual problem (vaginismus).
I suppose this is just my way of writing down my thoughts about something that has made me sad and unhappy for a couple of years now.
So, after nearly a year of seeing my (at the time) girlfriend, we built it up to the stage in our relationship where we wanted to make love to each other. We'd gone on holiday together, and had our own room, privacy, and no one around. Things were perfect. The first evening we 'tried', it didn't work, for lack of a better term. To cut to the chase and keep things non-seedy, I wasn't able to 'fit' inside her. In that literally, we weren't able to embrace each other in that way, because her vagina just couldn't take any sort of insertion.
Fast forward maybe 2 weeks or so. We tried to make love again, but no dice. At this point, things were not bothering us too much, we just thought it might take a while as it was both our first time, and perhaps these things take time.
A few months passed. We'd tried everything we could think of, different positions mainly. None of this worked. At this point my partner was getting rather distressed, as was I. A few months turned into 6+ months and we decided to seek help. I did the necessary leg work to research a place we could go and find help. In the end none of the places I found were suitable, and so we went to a Relate centre near where my partner lived. The main notion behind most of Relates work is pretty damn shoddy- they appear to have an unofficial creed to offer support and counseling to married Christian couples. Which we were obviously neither of those. Anyway, we booked up some counseling sessions, rather sceptically. Our first appointment was a consultation, to confirm our previous suspicions that my partner had vaginismus.
(Vaginismus is when the muscles around the vagina tighten (contract) against your will, causing the vagina to spasm. In some cases, this can be quite painful.
It is a psychological problem that shows itself in a physical way and is fairly common among women, especially women in their late teens to thirties.)
More counseling sessions were booked. A regular Monday night slot, 7:30, for an hour or so every week. I'd travel an hour and a half to my partners home town, meet her there, we'd go to counseling and then I'd walk her home and go back an hour and a half to my house in the evening. A couple of sessions had taken place, and I was feeling a bit more confident in the fact that at least we'd be getting help, and advice, on how to help this situation, and that at least being young and healthy was on our side with all of this.
The break up part of this story.
However cracks began to appear in our relationship. We were both emotionally spent from (what was now) months of tears, heartache and confusion about what was going on- why were we going through this? We were just two young people in love, who wanted to share something together, yet it seemed we were unable to express our love in that way. My partner kept finding holes to pick in me, reasons to take shots at me, and I would accept whatever she said to me, suck it up and not say anything back, because I felt maybe she was deflecting all her heartbreak about her condition onto me. She would continously tell me she was "worthless" and couldn't function properly, and I felt like a failure because no matter how many nights I'd just hold her in my arms and we'd fall asleep together, and I'd tell her she was the best person on the planet, and that I'd stroke her hair until she calmly drifted off, I couldn't seem to show her that she meant so much, and that this sexual problem we were going through, was something we could work on, and that anyway the sex side of it was only a small segment of a relationship. Soon she'd pick on me for the smallest things, things that didn't warrant a grievance, and it caused tension, because for once, I thought I'd stick up for myself and state my case. I'd always back down though, because I'll just as soon let someone win the argument than risk upsetting them, especially someone I cared this much for.
We had a few sessions at Relate, and for one reason or another, soon after we broke up. This was around May of 2007. I always told myself that if we broke up, I would be completely destroyed. Yet I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would. We had a week or two of talking on the phone, trying to sort things out. About a month later we met up, and slowly, we rebuilt our relationship, and although we never actually said we were back together, we unnoficially were. I had a resentment inside for a while that completely tore me apart that we'd broken up in the first place because the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt her, and/or somehow make her feel bad about the vaginismus.
She would often say to me "are we going to get back together? I think we should" or "we're soul mates. I love you. We should be together." But I would hesitate to let her know exactly how I felt, because other days she would tell me she just wanted any man in the world to touch her, and that she wanted to date around, and didn't care what happened...I got the feeling she in reality didn't just want any man, but instead wanted to try and find a solution to the vaginismus- in the form of a random guy possibly 'fixing' her. The power was in her corner because (it was me that broke up with her) so when I told her I'd made a mistake and wanted to be with her, for a month or two she would tell me it wasn't ever going to happen. A realisation set in that I had possibly made one of my biggest mistakes ever. I'd cry on the phone to her- not just silly tears, but the type of pain and crying you get when you realise you've done something terrible, and there's a whole in your chest that you've created of your own doing.
So, it was about May-ish that we broke up. June time we started seeing each other again, as mentioned. The mentions of her saying she didn't want to commit to me became less frequent, but she'd still mention them. She said that I should pay for her therapy at Relate (she was going to go on her own) because it was my fault...
The 'me trying to cope with things- part 1' part of this story...
So she starts going to Relate, on her own, and I pay her money towards it. The idea of this seems a bit...like she's taking advantage of me somehow. I realise that we came into the problem together, and we discovered it together, but she was saying that she didn't want me to try and help her with the problem anymore, yet she wanted me to pay towards therapy. She soon left the counseling sessions, saying they weren't working.
It's about August time now, we were still unnoficially seeing each other again. We even went on holiday to the Isle Of Wight. It felt good to have a closeness again that we shared previously. She bought some books and a kit from America to help deal with her vaginismus. She would still tell me all the time that she felt like a failure and felt terrible. My heart broke for her, even at that point in things I didn't want her to be sad and to not be able to have a basic right that every human is entitled to- being able to express themselves, using their body, however they choose.
September ish time, and she says she wants an open relationship- apparently the way we had it at that point in time was too restricting, somehow. We had a certain 'agreement' so to speak- we'd stopped sleeping in the same bed, but we'd spend weekends together, but when we both got in the mood we'd do stuff together...luckily we were still able to turn each other on, even if we couldn't achieve intercourse together. Amongst these developments though I could tell she was still hurting from not being able to reach the goal she had- to be able to achieve insertion- be it not even insertion of me, but anything. She'd started to say "I want to touch and feel other guys. Any guy." again. This made me feel both used (like she was just using me until someone/something better came along) and also insecure.
October ish time, she tells me she doesn't even want an open relationship anymore. Just friends. No touching, no sexual contact, just normal friends. I deal with this and try to move on- everything between us, in that respect, has essentially been sealed off and ended now. We managed to keep this up for 2/3 weeks but by November, the lure of feeling each other bodies had become too much and we'd occasionally enjoy sexual contact again. Not for much longer though, because...
The 'me trying to cope with things part 2' part of this story...
November- she meets some guy online. I actually inadvertently helped her meet this guy too... that's another story. She gets chatting to him, and they decide to meet as 'just friends'...she told me that nothing was going to happen, and anyway, I'd always have a place in her heart because I was special and never to forget that. She met up with him. The next day me and her...did stuff. That was to be the last time we would ever have intimate contact again. The next week her and him were together. I was happy for her in the respect that she had found someone to make her happy, but also quite crushed as I felt that I had failed her somehow- we were no longer together, and what had I done to help cure her condition? Absolutely nothing. She'd told me several times by now that I was special, and she'd never forget me.
The months go past and I am trying to come to terms with her problem, still. She tells me in detail that her new boyfriend is very supportive, so on and so forth. I don't want to hear any of these details- it makes me feel weird, understandably.
Every day pretty much becomes filled with sadness for me, thinking about the whole situation. Up until about a month or so ago, I couldn't bear to think of things. Our counsellor at Relate told us it was not possible for me (or a partner of the person suffering with vaginismus) to have caused it- it's to do with other issues in the persons history. Still, my partner blamed me, essentially saying I'd ruined her life. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted to forget we'd ever happened, and that things were a mistake. She said I'd taken advantage of her.
So now it's in the position where she has help, and a support network and a new boyfriend to help her. That's great for her. I just can't describe...how it feels to me, with what happened. We couldn't achieve intercourse, or penetration. I guess I am still technically a virgin at 23 years old. I can't describe how it feels to think you've possibly been part of the cause of fucking someones life up...even though it's not your fault. You still feel a part of it. My heart becomes heavy with sadness and nervousness when I realise what we went through. She said that most guys would have left a girl in that position, but that's not true surely? I know alot of dicks would leave a girl if they weren't able to have sex with them, but the notion of me doing that to a girl because of that reason is mind boggling. I tried to support her. I told her every single day what she meant to me, and not to worry because we would overcome the problem together. I held her when she cried her heart out.
I feel like I'm the one who's broken- I'm intimidated to become involved in a close relationship. I worry I could 'break' a girl again, to fuck her up, and have her resent me for it- much as has seemed to have happened here. I don't fear the intimacy of touching someone, holding someone, of kissing someone- it's just the act of doing the thing I couldn't achieve with my previous partner that I worry about. I have built it up into my head after being told by her how wrong I was, and how I fucked her up, and that has transponded into my feelings about future girlfriends. I know it's stoopid to compare what happened then, to what will happen in the future, but I just worry, when my first experience is like that, what else could happen? Could I do the same to my next girlfriend, and cause them this much torment?
I opened myself up so much to her. I tried everything in my power to make her feel better. I like a failure that I was unable to help cure someone that I (at the time) loved with all of my heart and soul.
The 'after effects' of all of this...
3 days ago the ex (mentioned in this story) told me that she no longer wanted contact with me. She said I was a bad part of her past, and in order to carry on with life and get better, she had to cut me out. That hurt alot, even though I wanted to say the same thing to her- I needed to forget about her and her chump of a boyfriend, and to forget about the condition she had, as cruel as it sounds, I need to start focussing on myself for once. I need to gain some sort of positive perspective. I ask myself sometimes "If my next girlfriend also suffered from vaginismus, what would I do??" the answer : I'd offer her my love and support, and just try to be there for her as much as possible. I'm not sure what I'd tell her about my previous relationship, as it could get awkward.
I think this whole thing will tear me apart for a while. A friend of mine actually offered my sex the other day- but I'm not feeling the whole 'fuck buddy' thing right now. It's not really my kinda thing. I wish I could find a girl to hold me right now, and let me get this all out of my system, because talking about it on here doesn't totally make it help. I'm over the relationship, totally over the girl, but the remnants of the problem she had that we shared still hurt. She actually said I'm not to tell anyone about this, as it's her problem and I was forbidden from telling people, but I am. This was my problem too and it's still my problem today. It still hurts. About 2/3 people have access to this Livejournal anyway. Besides, I don't talk to/communicate with her anymore, this is my problem that I am dealing with.
There is no support for men in this position- to most, it's just seen as the females problem, and there is plenty of support for women who suffer from it, which is good. I am sure it is a common feeling amongst men who's partners suffer/suffered from this that they (the man) are a failure, unable to do one thing.I have felt like this before.
It feels like there is no one to talk to- before we discovered my ex's condition, I'd never even heard of it. And delving deeper into researching it there was zero support out there for the men affected by it.
I wish I could find another man that has been through this to talk to, and see how they coped. Thinking about this and everything that has happened, keeps bringing back memories of the relationship, which is not good, as they are not good memories. I need to let go.
Somedays I'll feel totally shit about it all, other days it doesn't cross my mind- I know I am really blowing things out of proportion, but it would appear that this whole scenario has fucked me up somewhat- I guess it's because we were both 19/20 year olds just wanting to make love and experience that, something most people would agree is a pretty natural, loving thing, but we couldn't, and now I feel somewhat alien, because I'm not sure how it's going to be when I find a girlfriend again in the future.
I know things will get better, I just have to find a way to forget about everything and start afresh.
I know this whole entry will sound quite selfish and self centered, but I had tried to support her for so long, and be there for her, but I never got to talk about my feelings much- I feared if I caved in and showed her how I felt about things, she'd feel even worse about the situation. I suppose, in hindsight, it was catch 22- if I showed her my complete emotion, she'd feel terrible. But then at least she'd know how I felt about it all. So this Live Journal entry is my way of writing things down, and getting shit off my chest.
What a cunt!